Loveless Translation!

[Txep eveng]

So, who remembers the poem Loveless from FF7 Crisis Core? Well, myself and Hysvear have finished a rough draft translation of it!
It took us THREE YEARS as of today. That's right, we started work on it June 13th, 2010. We have both been in college, so we hadn't been working on it regularly, but still the coincidence that we finished it in three years to the day amazes me.

We are looking to get proofreaders and such help finalizing this translation. Any help is welcomed.

Without further ado, here is the translation!
It is attached as a pdf. The comments are the literal translation of the Na'vi part, sometimes with related notes.

I am so excited! I hope you enjoy!

[Tirea Aean]

Wow! You'e been around for three years! I was gonna say welcome after seeing your post count. But hey this is cool. Lemme take a look

[Tirea Aean]

There's a few sketchy things here and there, like the first thing I noticed is *tìhapxì. Hapxì is already a noun.

Someone else with more time than me tonight will most likely come have a look and help you out more.

Nice to hear that you've come back. Irayo for posting.

[Tsway'eion]

So I changed my username, but I'm Hysvear. We were working on this for exactly 3 years. However, the language has changed a lot since the movie came out. I can guarantee there are grammatical errors,spelling errors,and other things. This is the very first draft we completed without any proofreading or revisions, so it's raw translation complete with all of that fun stuff. XD

[Mesireatu]

Kaltxì ma frapo!
Oel kameie ayngati! Irayo! Keep up the good work! Eywa ayngahu & Kìyevame Il Sogno Viandante

[Plumps]

Tewti
I don't know the poem but this is quite a work load that you did there. Kudos to you two! Here are my humble comments on your translation...

Ke Tìyawn (Loveless)
=> I would use luke or kea tìyawn here. Ke comes usually before verbs or adjectives only.

Sngä'i Avur (Prologue)
=> I'd use Sre vur / way a plltxe / Vursre (,,before the story") ... attributive a can't be attached to nouns

Krrpe' Ioangtsamìl seri oeyk Kifkeyä Tì'i'a
Eywal hiyevum* tawt
Atana aysyal si vawma aysyal virä alìm
Nelefpom Poel *fyerawintxu* ayoengit,
Poeyä stxeli 'ì'awn tì'i'avay krrä
Poeyä 'ok 'ì'awn tì'i'avay krrä

When the war of the beasts brings about the world's end
The goddess descends from the sky
Wings of light and dark spread afar
She guides us to bliss,
her gift everlasting

krrpe is not 'when' as it is used here, it literally means 'what time?' What you want is the conjunction krra
si is not a verb on its own ... you have to find the verb in the dictionary. I would use the causative here => krra *ioangtsamìl 'eyki'a kifkeyti ('when the animal war causes the world to end')
hum is intransitive, so would either have to use Eywa hayum ftu taw or Eywal txayìng tawti with txìng which is transitive; I'd vote for the hum example.
Maybe we didn't have those words back then but I'd go for neyna aysyal sì vawma aysyal virä alìm
ne can only be attached to nouns, lefpom is an adjective, also fyawìntxu is intransitive ... so; ne fpom poe fyawayìntxu ayoengaru / awngaru – if case endings are attached to ayoeng, the a from nga appears again.
   

Tìhapxì a'awve (Part 1)


Eywayä stxeli lu stxong / ingyentsim frakrr, Eywayä 'ok lu stxong frakrr,
tafral ayoengal fwew fì'ut ulte, hum ne tawt
Ayìheyul er'ong sìnpayit fäpat
*Serop-tirea eromum ke tsurokx*

Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess
We seek it thus, and take to the sky
Ripples for on the water's surface
The wandering soul knows no rest

Don't think we had the word 'mystery' back then, it's fairly new
tafral is more of a sentence introduction.
'take to' ... I'd just use kä ne taw — be careful, no case endings after adpositions!
'ong is intransitive and the infix position is '‹1›‹2›ong ... so it's 'erong => sìn fäpa payä ('on the top of the water') or sìn yo payä ('on the surfice of the water'). Notice again, no case ending with adposition and it is not one word when it comes before the noun
Be aware of the word classes tsurokx is a verb
sop is 'travel' which you can use of course, but we also have tìran as 'wander' ... The way to form these constructions (a hunting man, a flying bird, etc.) is to insert the infix ‹us› in the word thus making it an adjective. => tusìrana vitral ke omum kea tìsyorit ('the wandering soul doesn't know any relaxation') ... there are of course other ways as well. I could think of vitra ke tsun tsivurokx, ke tsun syivor and there are possibly other ways as well.

Tìhapxì Amuve (part 2)

Tìve'kì aketok, le'aw fpom => ke lu tìve'kì, fpom nì'aw
Talun ngal lu yawnetut Ewyaru
Trr'ongtxantstewyu, aykifkeyazeykoyu
Trrayä ayunilìl kanom tìreat a fwel
Nrra lu 'aku
Aytsyal 'aku, tì'i'a lu sim.

There is no hate, only joy
For you are beloved by the goddess
Hero of the dawn, Healer of worlds
Dreams of the morrow hath the shattered soul
Pride is lost
Wings stripped away, the end is nigh

'hero of the dawn' > txantstew trr'ongä
'healer of the worlds' > zeykoyu (ay)hifkeyä
Maybe I understand this the wrong way but I would think that this line means 'the soul has dreams of tomorrow' ... that would be the very simple construct lu fwela tirearu/vitraru ayunil trrayä
'pride is lost' is a passive voice which doesn't exist per se in Na'vi. It's 'one lost the pride' => fkol tolatep nrrati/snonrrati (second is a bit negative)
fkol 'olaku (ay)syalit neto, tì'i'a sim / txew lok ('one took off the wings, the end is near') ... although 'aku seems to me as if you could put on wings like clothes 

Tìhapxì apxeyve (part 3)

Ma oeyä 'eylan. Ngal si tswon mìso set srak?
Nekìfkeyìl vere'kì ayoet
Keftxoa trrayä nì'aw'ul perey ngat lu
Ke tsranten peseng ayhufwe kìryä
Ma oeyä 'eylan, ngeyä tìftxavang
Lu *tìrey-mungeyu ulte Eywayä stxeli
Tsalsungay txo trrayä aypänul lu keryusey
Txìsyay ke'ul oeyä tìtätxawtí tìyätxaw

My friend do you fly away now
To a world that abhors you and I?
All that awaits you is a somber morrow
No matter where the winds may blow
My friend, your desire
Is the bringer of life, the gift of the goddess
Even if the morrow is barren of promises
Nothing shall forestall my return

Remember that there is a difference between 'eylan and eylan; the first means 'friend', the second 'friends' ... so the little apostrophe is very important in Na'vi.
The verb for 'fly' is tswayon and intransitive – that shows me how old this little work is For a time we were not sure whether the ‹ay› wasn't just an infix it's not. Since 'fly' here is directional, it's neto. => nga tswayon neto set srak?
ne kifkey a ve'kì oengat / moet ('to a world that hates us (= you and me, him/her and me)')
Next one is very tricky... I'd say...
Ngari perey fra'u a lu keftxoa rewon nì'aw ('everything that awaits you is an upsetting morning') ... pey is a bit tricky because it's intransitive and 'wait for' is done with the topical.
Good construct, we have a way to say this now which is very close – ketsran => ketsran tseng a (tsaro) ayhufwe kirvä 'the place doesn't matter where winds may blow.' What you wrote was 'will soon be blowing'
'bringer of life' > mungeyu tìreyä
txo keng ayfänu trrayä lu kerusey ('even if promises of tomorrow are dead') – remember that you never use the L or T endings together with lu.
We don't know if txey is transitive – I think it is, but with the latest revelation of nume we can't be sure To be on the safe side, I'd say ke'u ke tsun tìftang sivi oer fte tivätxaw ('nothing can stop me from returning') although I think that kawtu is probably better in meaning.
   

Tìhapxì atsìve (part 4)

Ma oeyä 'eylan. Kawng aysyay lu.
Ke unil fkeytok, ke meuia er'ì'awn.
Swizawìl holum Eywayä tskoftu.
Oeyä lolatängem tireal,
Olemroley lehawnga tìsraw futa run tìsopyä 'i'atì
Oeyä mìzongtseng
Ulte ngeyä ker'ì'a hahaw.
'Okrolìl paylltxe
Teri-tìtìängusng rokifkeyä Tì'i'at.
Hufwe ka'ärìp payä yo
Nìtìfnunga' ulte nìam'ake
<<ORRRRR>>
<<Nìfya'o tìfnunga' ulte am'ake>>

My friend, the fates are cruel
There are no dreams, no honor remains
The arrow has left the bow of the goddess
My soul, corrupted by vengeance
Hath endured torment, to find the end of the journey
In my own salvation
And your eternal slumber
Legend shall speak
Of sacrifice at world's end
The wind sails over the water's surface
Quietly, but surely

ke lu kea ayunil, kea meuia ke 'ì'awn – remember the double negation when you use words like kea, ke'u, kawtu etc. If you want to use fkeytok then it would be ayunil ke fkeytok ('dreams don't exist')
Again, hum and latem are intransitive So, no L or T ending.
This next bit is tricky again... emrey is intransitive and to 'survive s.t.' you use the topical again. I'd say
tìsrawìri/kxuri (a)lehawng emroley oeyä tirea a lolatängem fte rivun tì'i'ati *tìsopä
'in my safeplace' is either mì oeyä zongtseng or oeyä zongtsengmì or even use ro+ as an adposition.
... ulte nga hahaw nìlkeftang ('and you sleep without stopping')
I'd use peng teri instead of plltxe but then you don't need the L or T endings.
'sacrifice' I have no idea about. Maybe just 'the giving'
'okrol payeng teri tìtusìng ro sì'i'a kifkeyä
I don't think you meant kä'ärìp but ka yo payä ('across the surface of the water') right? 'ärìp is 'move something', I think you want to use rikx So, hufwe rikx yoka payä ('the wind moves over the surface of the water')
For 'quitely but surely' you could use...
nìmwey sì nam'ake
nìtìfnunga' sì nam'ake
but you could also use your other version as nìfya'o a lu tìfnunga' sì am'ake

If you have any further questions, just say so

I'm sure there are a lot of other ways to convey the lines of this. Nothing is more complicated than translating poetry... Mine is just a suggestion and hints at obvious grammatical mistakes. It has no claim to correctness
But again, I'm very impressed about your work on this! Keep it up ... there is no better way to learn and get used to a language than to use it and give yourselves a bit of a challenge

[Blue Elf]

Well, three pages in three years, you are quite slow translators (just joke, it's not meant as insult).
Here I offer my translation according my best current knowledge - though it can be inaccurate as probably I didn't understand some parts well (some words looks old-fashioned and aren't in my dictionaries). However it is the best I can do - of course different translations are possible.
Take it just as another version. I tried to avoid unofficial words, in some parts I tried to be poetic. Meaning can be different somewhere, as not all words are available. Here it is:

Luke  tìyawn

Sngä'ikrr vurä (prologue)
-----------------------
Krra tsamìl ayioangä zamerunge kifkeyt ne tì'i'a
-When the war of the beasts brings about the world's end
Eywa kllza'u ftu taw
-The goddess descends from the sky
Aysyal trrä sì txonä virä alìm
-Wings of light and dark spread afar
Poe fyawìntxu ayoer ne fpom sneyä, stxeli a 'ì'awn tì'i'avay krrä
-She guides us to bliss, her gift everlasting

Hapxì 'awve
-----------
Luke tì'i'a mì ingyentsim lu Eywayä stxeli
-Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess
Ayoel fwew tsat ngian ulte munge ne taw
-We seek it thus, and take it to the sky
Ayìheyul ngop yot payä
-Ripples form on the water's surface
Susopa vitra ke tsun tsivurokx kawkrr
-The wandering soul knows no rest.

Hapxì amuve
------------
Ke lu kea tìve'kì, tìprrte' nì'aw
-There is no hate, only joy
Aynga lu yawne Eywaru
-For you are beloved by the goddess
Txantstew trr'ongä, zeykoyu hifkeyä
-Hero of the dawn, Healer of worlds

Ayunil trrayä lu fwela tirear
-Dreams of the morrow hath the shattered soul
Fkol tatep nrrati
-Pride is lost
Aysyal atawnatep, txew lok
-Wings stripped away, the end is nigh

Hapxì apxeyve
--------------
Ma oey 'eylan, nga tswayon neto, srak?
-My friend, do you fly away now?
Ne kifkey a tsaru vä' oeng, srak?
-To a world that abhors you and I?
Fra'u a ngari pey lu rewon akeftxo
-All that awaits you is a somber morrow
ketsrana tseng a hufwe tsun tivul
-No matter where the winds may blow

Ma oey 'eylan, nga lu ftxavanga
-My friend, your desire
tìreyä *mungeyu, stxeli a ta Eywa
-Is the bringer of life, the gift of the goddess

keng txo trray lu meka pänu nì'aw
-Even if the morrow is barren of promises
Kekem ke tsun tìftang sivi oer fte tivätxaw
-Nothing shall forestall my return

Hapxì atsìve
------------
Ma oey 'eylan, syay ke lu muiä
-My friend, the fates are cruel
Ayunil ke fkeytok, kea meuia ke 'ì'awn
-There are no dreams, no honor remains
Swizawìl txìng tskot Eywayä
-The arrow has left the bow of the goddess

Oeyä vitra a lu fwel fa kavuk (!different meaning)
-My soul, corrupted by vengeance
emroley fte rivun tì'i'at tìsopä
-Hath endured torment, to find the end of the journey
mì oeyä zongtseng
-In my own salvation
sì ngeyä tìhusahaw a ke ftang.
-And your eternal slumber

'okrol paylltxe
-Legend shall speak
teri tsapo a tìng tìreyt mì hifkeyä tì'i'a
-Of sacrifice at world's end
Hufwe tul io yo txampayä
-The wind sails over the water's surface
Nìfnu slä nam'ake
-Quietly, but surely

Hapxì amrrve
------------
keng txo trray lu meka pänu nì'aw
-Even if the morrow is barren of promises
Kekem ke tsun tìftang sivi oer fte tivätxaw
-Nothing shall forestall my return
Fte slivu payìva a sloan atxkxeti
-To become the dew that quenches the land
Fte zivong tampayit, sawit
-To spare the sands, the seas, the skies
Oel stxenutìng frau't a lu oer (!different meaning)
-I offer thee this silent sacrifice

[Tsway'eion]

Tewti ulte Iryao! 

We were working on this very slowly, it's been over the course of 3 years because we've been going to college in addition. It's been a fun project to bring up every few months and keep some concepts fresh in our heads. It was a pre-cursor to other projects to come, to see how fast we could translate, and well for fun.
We will hopefully be meeting up again soon to take a look and learn from your suggestions and write up a new draft taking into account all of the comments. 

[Blue Elf]

If you need some explanation related to my version, just ask here. I'll answer what I can