Can someone translate this poem for me, please?

[Unilsrewtu]

Okay here it is:

A smile dances across my lips,
As a butterfly lands on my fingertips.
I stare at the blue sky above,
And feel thankful for all that I love.
Next, a bee come zooming by,
And sits on a flower splashed with dye
the colors of the rainbow.
Spring brings many happy things.
Sunlight beats down on my face,
But a breeze wraps me in a cool embrace.
Again, I look at the sky, so blue,
And know that spring will bring something new.

I've translated this myself already, but I want to see if I'm correct (probably not).
Irayo in advance.

[Unilsrewtu]

Okay here it is:

A smile dances across my lips,
As a butterfly lands on my fingertips.
I stare at the blue sky above,
And feel thankful for all that I love.
Next, a bee come zooming by,
And sits on a flower splashed with dye
the colors of the rainbow.
Spring brings many happy things.
Sunlight beats down on my face,
But a breeze wraps me in a cool embrace.
Again, I look at the sky, so blue,
And know that spring will bring something new.

I've translated this myself already, but I want to see if I'm correct (probably not).
Irayo in advance.

['Oma Tirea]

Pak, fì'u lu txa'!

I see a lot of holes in translating the vocab.  Seems like a lot of words may need to be composite

I will have to come back to this one....

[Sapient Navi]

Sorry, I'm not a poet or anything but wouldn't, "But a breeze wraps me in its cool embrace." be better? I understand that not all breezes are cool and all but I thought it would make it more personal to go with the the rest of the poem. Nice poem.

[omängum fra'uti]

I've translated this myself already, but I want to see if I'm correct (probably not).
Irayo in advance.

Correct in what sense?  Grammatically correctness is certainly measurable.  But semantic correctness is not so easily measured.  The words speak differently to everyone, so everyone will probably translate it a little differently, and none of them will be any more or less correct than the others.

[kewnya txamew'itan]

Also, poems and songs pose additional challenges to a translator. Even if allow stress to slide, if we want to keep the rhythm the same we're probably going to have to drop syllables or even whole words, and there's almost no hope of keeping the rhyme scheme the same.

As an example of how this works, even with almost identical interpretations of the words we have two very different translations of the song still alive from portal, one, by Muzer is grammatically correct, mine on the other hand is a grammatically correct version that's been cut down to a rhythmically correct but now grammatically incorrect version.

Because of this, if you want to see if your translation is correct, it's probably easiest if you post it up and we show any corrections (if any), we promise not to bite.

[Pxia Säsngap]

Kaltxì ma Tawsreuyu
I am not a pro or intermediate person, but here is my attempt. Rutxe frapoya look at it to correct it if necessary =)

A smile dances across my lips
Oeyä meseyri lrrtok ngerop
=My two-lips a smile are creating

As a butterfly lands on my fingertips
krr a butterfly oeyä zekwäsìn heyn  (maybe also patefìlay as a transcription)
=when a butterfly my finger-on sits

I stare at the blue sky above
Oel (io) netawr aean nìn
=I (above) to-the-sky blue look

And feel thankful for all that I love
ulte oe irayo seiyi Eywaru u sì eylanìri a yawne lu oer  (not sure if this is correct)
=and I thank God for the things and friends that I love

Next, a bee come zooming by
tsakrr bee serìm/zera'u (maybe also bi as a trtanscription)
=then a bee is being near/is coming

And sits on a flower splashed with dye
ulte sìn syulang le'opin heyn
=and on a flower colourful sits

the colors of the rainbow
opin tsawkehu tompayä  (just some idea I had to say rainbow, because it comes when sun and rain are together)
=the colours sky-with rain's

Spring brings many happy things
zìsìtä sngä'ikrrìl fpomit tìng  (also some idea I've had; first season is spring)
=year's beginning happiness gives

Sunlight beats down on my face
atan tsawkeyä key oeyä atan si
=the sun's light my face lights  (verb created: to light (up) )

But a breeze wraps me in a cool embrace
slä ke soma hufwel oet lew si
=but no hot wind me covers

Again, I look at the sky, so blue
Oel netawr nìn nìmun, tsaw nìtxan ean lu
=I to-the-sky look again, it so blue is

And know that spring will bring something new
ulte oe omum futa zìsìtä sngä'ikrrìl 'uot mipa oeru tìng
=and I know that year's beginning something new to-me gives


That's just my attempt to translate this poem, please post your attempts too. And ma Tawsreuyu, why don't you post your attempt in here as well? it can be corrected if necessary.
We have got many advanced Na'vi speakers in here who will help you and you should not be too shy to post your attempts in here.   
It's more helpful if we can correct your sentences, because then you can see what your mistakes are and learn of them.
To translate a poem is too personal/free so that you will never find anyone who has translated it mostly like you did, but correctly. =)

Eywa ngahu ma tsmuk. =)

[Pxia Säsngap]

tsakrr bee serìm/zera'u (maybe also bi as a trtanscription)

Sorry, there is no b. I meant to say pi. 

[Pxia Säsngap]

the colors of the rainbow
opin tsawkehu tompayä  (just some idea I had to say rainbow, because it comes when sun and rain are together)
=the colours sky-with rain's

Another mistake, I'm sorry. Of course tsawke means sun and not sky... 

I hope it was the last one.   hrh

[Pxia Säsngap]

Kaltxì

I find that Tawsreuyu also posted it in here. Answered on that topic in the intermediate forum:
http://forum.learnnavi.org/intermediate/can-someone-translate-this-poem-for-me-please-10121/msg231046/#msg231046
It may be better to lock one of these. =)

[Lance R. Casey]

(Nang, the threads were merged while I was typing at the other place; copypasting:)

A smile dances across my lips
Oeyä meseyri lrrtok ngerop
=My two-lips a smile are creating

Missing case markers (ergative on meseyri, accusative on lrrtok). For a literal translation: Lrrtok srew oeyä meseyrika

I stare at the blue sky above
Oel (io) netawr aean nìn
=I (above) to-the-sky blue look

**Netawr -> tawit. If you want to incorporate "above", add a io oe or suchlike.

And feel thankful for all that I love
ulte oe irayo seiyi Eywaru u sì eylanìri a yawne lu oer  (not sure if this is correct)
=and I thank God for the things and friends that I love

The plural of 'u is only ayu, since *u on its own was judged too liable for confusion (Frommerian statement). However, why not just use fra'uri? No problems with the attributive clause.

Next, a bee come zooming by
tsakrr bee serìm/zera'u (maybe also pi as a trtanscription)
=then a bee is being near/is coming

"Be near" is sim, but we also have ftem pass by. And, I don't think the imperfective works, as I see no internal structure in the "zooming-by".

the colors of the rainbow
opin tsawkehu tompayä  (just some idea I had to say rainbow, because it comes when sun and rain are together)
=the colours sun-with rain's

In order to form "rain with sun" as a noun phrase, you need a (see here, Feb 18).

Sunlight beats down on my face
atan tsawkeyä key oeyä atan si
=the sun's light my face lights  (verb created: to light (up) )

Missing dative on key, as the beneficiary of a (hypothetical) si-construction.

But a breeze wraps me in a cool embrace
slä ke soma hufwel oet lew si
=but no hot wind me covers

There's wew cold, and as per above, no ergative but dative instead of accusative.

Again, I look at the sky, so blue
Oel netawr nìn nìmun, tsaw nìtxan ean lu
=I to-the-sky look again, it so blue is

See second comment.

And know that spring will bring something new
ulte oe omum futa zìsìtä sngä'ikrrìl 'uot mipa oeru tìng
=and I know that year's beginning something new to-me gives

Ergative with futa, the attributive marker on mip is on the wrong side, and there is no future tense in tìng.


I also second the request for the OP's translation.

[Pxia Säsngap]

(Nang, the threads were merged while I was typing at the other place; copypasting:)

A smile dances across my lips
Oeyä meseyri lrrtok ngerop
=My two-lips a smile are creating

Missing case markers (ergative on meseyri, accusative on lrrtok). For a literal translation: Lrrtok srew oeyä meseyrika

I did not translated this literally because I thought of it as some kind of idiom (I don't know that in German for example). And as I try to avoid translating idioms literally I used expressions that in my opinion are more common in Na'vi. =)  Should I translate it literally? If so, why- isn't it an idiom?

I stare at the blue sky above
Oel (io) netawr aean nìn
=I (above) to-the-sky blue look

**Netawr -> tawit. If you want to incorporate "above", add a io oe or suchlike.

I put the io in brackets because I didn't know what you've just answered here. =) Irayo.

And feel thankful for all that I love
ulte oe irayo seiyi Eywaru u sì eylanìri a yawne lu oer  (not sure if this is correct)
=and I thank God for the things and friends that I love

The plural of 'u is only ayu, since *u on its own was judged too liable for confusion (Frommerian statement). However, why not just use fra'uri? No problems with the attributive clause.

Thanks for this information. I will note that. =) Wanted to use fra'uri first, but then thought it was too impersonal and (as I also find it in English) it may be misunderstood as only material. So I've changed it into things and friends, so that it sounds more like what she probably wanted to say (her connotation to "all that I love". =) Is it incorrect, then? Or just another suggestion?

Next, a bee come zooming by
tsakrr bee serìm/zera'u (maybe also pi as a trtanscription)
=then a bee is being near/is coming

"Be near" is sim, but we also have ftem pass by. And, I don't think the imperfective works, as I see no internal structure in the "zooming-by".

Okay. =)

the colors of the rainbow
opin tsawkehu tompayä  (just some idea I had to say rainbow, because it comes when sun and rain are together)
=the colours sun-with rain's

In order to form "rain with sun" as a noun phrase, you need a (see here, Feb 18).

Ok, I will check it. =)

Sunlight beats down on my face
atan tsawkeyä key oeyä atan si
=the sun's light my face lights  (verb created: to light (up) )

Missing dative on key, as the beneficiary of a (hypothetical) si-construction.

Okay. =)

But a breeze wraps me in a cool embrace
slä ke soma hufwel oet lew si
=but no hot wind me covers

There's wew cold, and as per above, no ergative but dative instead of accusative.

Cool, didn't find it. Must have overlooked it. hrh   

Again, I look at the sky, so blue
Oel netawr nìn nìmun, tsaw nìtxan ean lu
=I to-the-sky look again, it so blue is

See second comment.

Okay. =)

And know that spring will bring something new
ulte oe omum futa zìsìtä sngä'ikrrìl 'uot mipa oeru tìng
=and I know that year's beginning something new to-me gives

Ergative with futa, the attributive marker on mip is on the wrong side, and there is no future tense in tìng.

mip was a careless mistake. =)  The other notes: Okay =)

I also second the request for the OP's translation.

hrh. Would really like to know what she has written, now. =)

Thank you ma Lance R. Casey for your detailed answer. It really helps me to do a better job next time. =)

[Unilsrewtu]

Also, poems and songs pose additional challenges to a translator. Even if allow stress to slide, if we want to keep the rhythm the same we're probably going to have to drop syllables or even whole words, and there's almost no hope of keeping the rhyme scheme the same.

As an example of how this works, even with almost identical interpretations of the words we have two very different translations of the song still alive from portal, one, by Muzer is grammatically correct, mine on the other hand is a grammatically correct version that's been cut down to a rhythmically correct but now grammatically incorrect version.

Because of this, if you want to see if your translation is correct, it's probably easiest if you post it up and we show any corrections (if any), we promise not to bite.

Okay, here's how I translated it:


Lrrtok lu srereu kaseyri oeyä,
Butterfly lu zera'u sìnzekwä oeyä.
Oe nìn eana taw,
Ulte tìng irayo fpinìwotx ay'u lu yawne oer.
Mawkrr, bee za'u lu,
Ulte heyn le'opin sìsyulang,
Ay'opin rainbow(ä).
Tsawkeyä atan som frìp oeyä key,
Slä hufwe tstu si mìwew.
Nìmun, oe nìn eana taw,
Ulte omum tsaSpring zayamunge mip ay'u.

Please make any corrections neccesary I translated it as best as I could.