Is this Prologue Enticing?

[Yayo]

Hello,
I have come up with a very good novel idea but for security and reasons of paranoia, I don't want to discuss it here. Anyway, I decided to write a short prologue. Please comment below about:

• Whether you enjoyed it
• If you feel compelled to read more

Thanks!

Spoiler

The air was cold. The sun was bright. It felt like a dream. One moment I was in a familiar place and the next, I occupied the same space yet it was somewhat different. How so, I cannot tell you; it just felt different. It was as if my life were different. Who would have ever guessed that it truly was, just in a different universe? A universe that occupied the same space but followed a different sequence of events. A place that in every physical sense felt normal but for some strange reason, I sensed that it was not. I found that the choices I had made in my throughout my life were not the choices that I had made here. Not in the sense that it was directly different, although, could it be? In another time, but a different place, could my life in that place exist as a consequence of my unintended actions? What was the 'other I' like?

Nobody understood what dreams were. They just assumed that it was your mind refusing to cease activity whilst your body rested. They did not realise the magnitude of what dreams were and how or why they happened. Neither did I, until the day that it happened. The day that I woke up to find that something was different. It was subtle at first but eventually, it became apparent that this was not home. How to explain how I felt? Have you ever woken up in a place that has an uncanny resemblance to the place in which you live but things are different? Such as the distance to work or school; or the colour of your carpet? That is how it felt. I initially took no notice of these differences that were to be found in my room; in my sleepy state I merely went through the motions of preparing for the day. I didn't notice the fact that my bed held one instead of two and that a few of my belongings had disappeared.

This oblivious state of mind continued until I discovered the one difference that shocked me; something was definitely wrong. I didn't know what to do; I was in an unfamiliar place and unaware of the situation of which I was in. My neighbours were the same people but were different to how I remembered them. Yes, different. Everything is different. No other adjective can describe what I felt and saw. Different. It scares me to even fathom the potential differences that I am yet to come across. 

What's a dream and what's reality? Is life but a dream?

[Puvomun]

Hello,
I have come up with a very good novel idea but for security and reasons of paranoia, I don't want to discuss it here. Anyway, I decided to write a short prologue. Please comment below about:

• Whether you enjoyed it
• If you feel compelled to read more

Thanks!

Spoiler

The air was cold. The sun was bright. It felt like a dream. One moment I was in a familiar place and the next, I occupied the same space yet it was somewhat different. How so, I cannot tell you; it just felt different. It was as if my life were was different. Who would have ever guessed that it truly was, just in a different universe? A universe that occupied the same space but followed a different sequence of events. A place that in every physical sense felt normal but for some strange reason, I sensed that it was not. I found that the choices I had made in my throughout my life were not the choices that I had made here. Not in the sense that it was directly different, although, could it be? In another time, but a different place, could my life in that place exist as a consequence of my unintended actions? What was the 'other I' like?

Nobody understood what dreams were. They just assumed that it was your mind refusing to cease activity whilst your body rested. They did not realise the magnitude of what dreams were and how or why they happened. Neither did I, until the day that it happened. The day that I woke up to find that something was different. It was subtle at first but eventually, it became apparent that this was not home. How to explain how I felt? Have you ever woken up in a place that has an uncanny resemblance to the place in which you live but things are different? Such as the distance to work or school; or the colour of your carpet? That is how it felt. I initially took no notice of these differences that were to be found in my room; in my sleepy state I merely went through the motions of preparing for the day. I didn't notice the fact that my bed held one instead of two and that a few of my belongings had disappeared.

This oblivious state of mind continued until I discovered the one difference that shocked me; something was definitely wrong. I didn't know what to do; I was in an unfamiliar place and unaware of the situation of which I was in. My neighbours were the same people but were different to how I remembered them. Yes, different. Everything is different. No other adjective word can describe what I felt and saw. Different. It scares me to even fathom the potential differences that I am yet to come across. 

What's a dream and what's reality? Is life but a dream?

• Whether you enjoyed it

Yes. It looks like a really nice start of a good story. (I did take the liberty to alter a few things (inside the quote) although those may be still remains of the first draft. And the blue line... you might reconsider that.

Spoiler: Reason

Waking up alone instead of next to someone and not noticing... you'd have to sleepwalk. (My opinion though.)

Also, if you want to convey "no other word can describe it", you need a stronger word than 'different'. Socks are different, and then you say "Huh? Oh, right."

Hope you don't mind. I am an author myself.

• If you feel compelled to read more

Yes.

[Ftxavanga Txe′lan]

I did enjoy this beginning, and I also definitely want to read more! In the first paragraph I was slightly confused at first, because of the philosophical thoughts that are given in no definite context, but as soon as the second paragraph began everything became clear, and it all perfectly made sense. Awesome job! Very intriguing, well-written and thoughtful.

My English level is obviously not as good as yours, but some language details did bother me a bit. (I'm such a perfectionist hrh) Would you like me to point them out to you?

[Amaya]

I agree, it does seem interesting, but at the same time there is something that  just doesn't seem to flow in a "writerly" fashion.  It reads a little...awkward somehow.

This is not to say "don't do it" but to remind you that writing voice is different from telling voice.

I can redo a part to give you an idea of what I mean if you would like. And please don't lose  hope. Learning to write in any specific way takes time and practice.

[Clarke]

I'm sad to say I don't like it, but I can't really say why. Though there is one thing I'm sure of: IMO, the first paragraph over-philosophizes. You grab my attention with the opening, up until "it felt like a dream," and it starts to peter out after there. 

[Yayo]

Ah, some petty errors. Why would I want to make it like an English class? Also, Philosophy is Philosophy, how can you over-philosophise? Meh, 3/4 is okay, I suppose. I don't really understand how 'it felt like a dream' caused you to dislike it.. The prologue is meant to be repetitive but for what reason? I don't know. The progression of the story was a lot slower than this, so it would probably be more progressively interesting.

I also wanted to make it vague which would arouse people's interest thus causing them to want to read more.

[Lolet]

It was a little too vague for me. I'm not the crunchiest chip in the bag, but I'm a good reader, and I know what I like. Repetitive is also a turn off for many people.

See, you have to have something to grab my interest. Why should I read your book when I can go watch teen mom? Give me a reason, an event in the plot that I want to know about.

[Yayo]

I also wanted to make it vague which would arouse people's interest thus causing them to want to read more.

[Puvomun]

I also wanted to make it vague which would arouse people's interest thus causing them to want to read more.

Be careful with making things too vague. If there is not enough movement in the story (lingering on the same thought for too long) you will achieve the opposite.

[Yayo]

Ah. I'm abandoning the idea then. Too much critical reception. I'll let the concept linger in the back of my mind.

[Ftxavanga Txe′lan]

Ah. I'm abandoning the idea then. Too much critical reception. I'll let the concept linger in the back of my mind.

[Puvomun]

Ah. I'm abandoning the idea then. Too much critical reception. I'll let the concept linger in the back of my mind.

Not smart.

The story has potential. If you drop everything people criticise, you will drop most things in your life. Read what people here say. This is meant to be constructive, something that gets you on track to 'get it right'. Writing a story is easy, many people told me so. Until you sit down to actually write it.

You can write philosophical things, just avoid the pitfall where paint drying is faster than your story. If you want to focus on the point, do it from more views than one. How would my dad, mum, sister, friend, professor, enemy see this? Why me, why now, why at this time? What happened? Could it have happened in another time period? Keep the interest with the story. No need to run, but keep the pace going.

Note: this is meant to be constructive too. Tam?

[Ftxavanga Txe′lan]

Ah. I'm abandoning the idea then. Too much critical reception. I'll let the concept linger in the back of my mind.

The story has potential. If you drop everything people criticise, you will drop most things in your life. Read what people here say. This is meant to be constructive, something that gets you on track to 'get it right'. Writing a story is easy, many people told me so. Until you sit down to actually write it.

That's also what I think. I believe you shouldn't let the negative comments destroy your story; quite on the opposite, you should use them to modify a bit what you did so your story begins in a very good way. Remain optimistic and don't give up!

[Amaya]

Absolutely!  After all, I never said I didn't like it, just that it needed a little work   Think of writing like telling a story.  Think of times you've listened to a friend/family member/whoever tell a story and enjoyed the experience of listening:  What tricks did the teller employ to keep you interested?  Think of stories you've read and enjoyed: Again, what tricks and devices did the author use to catch and hold your interest?  Maybe go back through and read a book whose story "grabbed" you a second time, but this time don't just go with the story (you should already know a fair bit about it) but read the words the author used and try to ask yourself things like "why did he/she mention this here?" or "what is he/she trying to evoke by using that word/phrase at this particular point in the plot?"

Nobody paints the Mona Lisa the first time they pick up a paintbrush, nobody can throw a pot perfectly the first time they pick up a block of clay, and certainly I've never heard of anyone who played Paganini the first time they picked up a violin, but somehow people think they should be able to write a masterpiece just because they have an idea in their head and have jotted some of it down on paper.  Writing is just as much of a learning experience as any other artistic endeavour, but it's well worth the work in the end!

[Puvomun]

Writing is just as much of a learning experience as any other artistic endeavour, but it's well worth the work in the end!

Oh really, and can I sing a song or two about that...

[Clarke]

Ah, some petty errors. Why would I want to make it like an English class? Also, Philosophy is Philosophy, how can you over-philosophise? Meh, 3/4 is okay, I suppose. I don't really understand how 'it felt like a dream' caused you to dislike it.. The prologue is meant to be repetitive but for what reason? I don't know. The progression of the story was a lot slower than this, so it would probably be more progressively interesting.

When I approach a new piece of writing, I'm usually thinking, "Ooh, what's this about? What does he want to say?" After the first few sentences, I think I know what you want to say, and don't find it interesting, so I'd normally stop reading. That's what I mean by you losing my attention after "It felt like a dream." The window where you have my attention by default and need to work to keep it really is that short.

I also wanted to make it vague which would arouse people's interest thus causing them to want to read more.

There's a fine line between giving the reader a hook and dragging them into your story with it, and Meaningless Meaningful Words.

And yes, don't give up! Almost all the premises in the world can make good a book/film/TV series if they're written well. (I'm currently writing a novel, and I can guarantee the premise is even more ridiculous than yours. ) Don't abandon hope all ye who enter if someone criticizes you - work out what went wrong, back up and try again.

[Yayo]

No, no, no.
I was writing this in my spare time; I didn't have high hopes for it anyway. I'd rather focus on my studies or something else rather than waste my time writing something that no one will understand or enjoy.

[Amaya]

Ma Yayo, store it for now, if you must, but always remember one very important fact:

Never write for other people.  Write what you, yourself, want to write, what you want to tell or explore.  If you write for other people only it will always fail because your heart won't be in it <3

[Puvomun]

Ma Yayo, store it for now, if you must, but always remember one very important fact:

Never write for other people.  Write what you, yourself, want to write, what you want to tell or explore.  If you write for other people only it will always fail because your heart won't be in it <3

So True.

[Ftxavanga Txe′lan]

Ma Yayo, store it for now, if you must, but always remember one very important fact:

Never write for other people.  Write what you, yourself, want to write, what you want to tell or explore.  If you write for other people only it will always fail because your heart won't be in it <3

So True.

Mllte! Writing is really a personal process.