Author Topic: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.  (Read 2277 times)

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Offline 'Itan Atxur

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Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« on: September 15, 2011, 05:09:21 am »
   I’m not that different from any other heroine. Super human strength, ultra fast reflexes. My injuries heal after a short while. I’m tall. I have long dark hair and unnaturally blue eyes. I even have the perfect hour glass figure you’d expect from a heroine. The main difference: I’m not that super and I’m certainly no hero.

   My earliest memory is of me running from the cops. I don’t remember why. I know I escaped as usual. They can’t catch me. Nobody can. I’ve been on the run as long as I can remember. I do what I want when I want and I don’t let any bothersome laws get in my way. (not much a fan of this paragraph)

I’m not sure what my real name is or if I was ever given one. I know the backpack I used to carry around said ‘Jezebel’ on the strap. So that’s the name I use. People call me ‘Jessie’ for short. The name Jezebel was used by some horrible queen hundreds of years ago. People back then said she was evil. I guess you could say the name fits me perfectly. It even sounds pretty evil if you ask me.

   I never knew my parents. As a matter of fact, I don’t even know if I have parents. I grew up in the wastelands outside the city limits. Nobody raised me or taught me anything. I did everything myself. Not until I was about twenty. At least I think that’s how old I was. Come to think of it, I don’t even know how old I am now. s***, I feel like I must be two hundred.

   This started as a little note to Sophie. But I quickly realized there’s just too much to say and too many people to say it to, to put it all on one page. I’ve done a lot of things in my time and I’m warning you now; the things I’ve done don’t make for a pleasant story. Let me start by saying I’m not proud of what I’ve done. I’ve messed up a lot of people’s lives. People hate me and I deserve it. But that’s not really what this story is about. This story is about the people who loved me.





There are definitely parts I'm still not happy with. I've written and rewritten this intro WAY more times than I care to admit. So, without further ado, shred away :)
« Last Edit: September 15, 2011, 05:10:55 am by 'Itan Atxur »

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Offline Puvomun

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2011, 05:26:41 am »
Right. This has potential as well, like Yayo's.

I like the intro. I like the introspection of Jessie and the things she tells about herself.

Start of the shredding (won't be that bad I hope!):

I do not have a sensation of the when and where with this. Is this our time? Our world? It would be somewhat enlightening and give the story a spot in time and place if you can somehow work that into it. No need to be elaborate about it, just some hints to 'paint the bigger picture', give the story a foothold. Or at least some detail about where Jessie is when she puts all this down, without more info on what goes on 'outside'. (But perhaps that is something you still have in planning.)

Also, there is this:
Quote
But that’s not really what this story is about. This story is about the people who loved me.

Jessie is writing something down about her life. If I were to do that, I would not call it a story.

"But that’s not really what this is about. This is about the people who loved me."

That, for me, nails it more clearly. Just take out the word 'story'.

Well, that's my 2 acorns' worth. Thank you for sharing your intro. I really like it. :D
Krr a lì'fya lam sraw, may' frivìp utralit.

Ngopyu ayvurä.

Offline 'Itan Atxur

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2011, 11:40:20 am »


Thanks for the advice :). Regarding the setting, I start introducing it immediately after this intro. There are certainly ways I could subtly make references to the setting though. Do you still think I should do something like that even if the very beginning of the first chapter also does this? Obviously I would have to make sure not to say the same thing twice, but I can definitely do that.

I definitely like what you said about the word "story". Never thought of it like that.



Thanks :D

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Offline Puvomun

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2011, 11:56:09 am »
Thanks for the advice :).

You are welcome. And if you paint the setting right after this, that's fine then. I just did not feel all certain if and when that was going to happen, so I threw it up in the air to see where it would land. :)
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Offline Amaya

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2011, 03:15:48 pm »
It seems interesting to me as well.  The only thing I would say is that it might be good to give some idea of how old she was when she was running from the cops in that "first memory".  When I read it, I assumed (until I read the rest of it) that she had, perhaps, some kind of amnesia and this was a full-grown woman memory.

One other thing, but this is just nit-picky:  I'd prefer "The main difference: I’m not that super and I’m certainly not heroic."

All other bits are just stylistic differences, and you didn't put this here for me to re-write edit for you but for an opinion ;)  (I have...um...bad habits with editing, thus do not ever offer to edit or beta for friends unless I know they have very thick skins) :P :P :P

Offline 'Itan Atxur

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #5 on: September 15, 2011, 06:00:08 pm »
It seems interesting to me as well.  The only thing I would say is that it might be good to give some idea of how old she was when she was running from the cops in that "first memory".  When I read it, I assumed (until I read the rest of it) that she had, perhaps, some kind of amnesia and this was a full-grown woman memory.

One other thing, but this is just nit-picky:  I'd prefer "The main difference: I’m not that super and I’m certainly not heroic."

All other bits are just stylistic differences, and you didn't put this here for me to re-write edit for you but for an opinion ;)  (I have...um...bad habits with editing, thus do not ever offer to edit or beta for friends unless I know they have very thick skins) :P :P :P

Thanks for the input :)

I've totally rewritten the "first memory" paragraph. I never liked it in the first place but didn't know why until you made your point.

As for "no hero" vs "not heroic" I went with "no hero" just because that's the way Jessie speaks. For her, that's a lot more natural than "not heroic"



Thanks again for the tips :)
« Last Edit: September 16, 2011, 04:17:46 am by 'Itan Atxur »

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Offline Syulang

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #6 on: September 15, 2011, 10:10:55 pm »
This sounds really good. It has potential  :) Now I really want to read more haha  ;D
Oel ayngati kameie ma oeyä aysmukan sì aysmuke ulte Eywa ayngahu livu

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Offline 'Itan Atxur

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2011, 06:01:31 am »
Thanks :)

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Offline 'Itan Atxur

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #8 on: September 26, 2011, 09:47:54 pm »
Okay, I'm in need of some advice. I'm trying to transition part of my story from 3rd person in the beginning to 1st person shortly after. I've been writing and rewriting the same few paragraphs over and over for about an hour and am completely unhappy with what I've come up with. Any tips would be GREATLY appreciated.

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Offline Amaya

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #9 on: September 26, 2011, 10:07:52 pm »
LOL you know my views on First Person :P I'm sure, but as for advice in a transition...my best advice is thes.  When transitioning voices, I usually put in a physically visible paragraph break or, if you're moving from the very beginning of the story into the main body (prologue to chapter one) then do the voice change between chapters.

Offline Puvomun

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #10 on: September 27, 2011, 12:53:43 am »
Where is the problem? In the 1st person or the 3rd person part?
What are you trying to achieve?
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Offline 'Itan Atxur

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #11 on: September 27, 2011, 06:02:41 am »
I figured it out almost immediately after making this post. Thanks anyways for the help :)

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Offline Reykoveyzä te Werufalä Haflak'ite

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #12 on: November 10, 2011, 07:02:53 am »
Sorry for the necropost, but I just wondered if youever carried on with this?
It's really good, it draws the reader in and makes them want to learn more. I have to say I don't agree with the other criticisms on here - it's the first three paragraphs of a good story, it's not meant to be a factual overload. Seriously, if you haven't carried this on, you should.   ;D
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Offline 'Itan Atxur

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #13 on: December 04, 2011, 08:28:23 pm »
Sorry for the necropost, but I just wondered if youever carried on with this?
It's really good, it draws the reader in and makes them want to learn more. I have to say I don't agree with the other criticisms on here - it's the first three paragraphs of a good story, it's not meant to be a factual overload. Seriously, if you haven't carried this on, you should.   ;D

Thanks :). While I haven't abandoned the project I haven't done any work on it either. I've started a new book... which I haven't done any work on in months. Looking at my notes it's been nearly a year since I last did serious work. I want to write... but I don't :(. As of tomorrow I will have been writing this book for over 5 years.

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Offline 'Itan Atxur

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #14 on: December 04, 2011, 09:27:55 pm »
Question:


or


Which intro do you think is better? You've inspired me to start again and I've decided the only way to proceed is start again from the beginning. I've got a brilliant story locked inside my head. I know I do. But somewhere between my brain and my fingers it's getting lost in translation, lol.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2011, 09:33:09 pm by 'Itan Atxur »

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Offline Syulang

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #15 on: December 04, 2011, 11:56:28 pm »
I think I like the old one better, but then again the second one has more information, so I'm kind of torn between both.  ;D If you're going to write more I'd love to read it, it sounds pretty good so far.  :)
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Offline 'Itan Atxur

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #16 on: March 14, 2012, 09:36:20 am »
Lol. I've rewritten the intro again. It didn't make sense with the rewrite I'm currently working on so it had to change. I gotta say though, it's really amazing what I've learned about writing since I started this project 6 years ago. My new stuff is MUCH better.

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Offline Syulang

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #17 on: March 15, 2012, 08:00:06 pm »
Re-reading this again, I now prefer the second one.  ;D You say you've rewritten it? Are you going to continue this story? It sounds like it could be quite interesting.  :)
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Offline 'Itan Atxur

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #18 on: March 16, 2012, 09:58:04 pm »
Oh, absolutely!! Since starting over (again) I've made a lot of progress. I've also noticed a sharp increase in the quality of my writing which is keeping me motivated.

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Offline 'Itan Atxur

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Re: Taking a page from Yayo's book. Please critique my books intro.
« Reply #19 on: September 26, 2012, 11:14:05 pm »
Added another layer to the story which REALLY makes things interesting. Gives to story and actual message now. Didn't have one before.

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