my first steps toward Na'vi lyrics

[DukeDrake]

I'm trying to translate a bit of nursery rhyme into Na'vi to get a better feel for word-ordering (which seems mercifully lax) and rhyming/meter, with the intent of translating something (I don't know what, yet) that can be set to music. I've got a rough first pass, but I can't tell how far off track I've gone.

Star's light,   star great,
tahni-ti atan-ta,   tahni-ti nawm-lu

first star      I see      this night,
'awve-a tahni-ri   oe-l ts<ol>e'a   fi-txon,

I want   to ask,   I want   it perhaps be,
Oe-l neu   pawm,   oe-l neu   po kxawm-lu

Grant me      this want,   I want   this night.
Teswoting oe-ru   fineu,      oe-l neu   fi-txon.

It does still rhyme, but it's probably a mess. Any suggestions are welcome.

Hopefully if I can eventually get something reasonably lyrical, I can pester someone into recording a quick verse. I would almost certainly need to provide a phonetic copy, but that's a small and distant hurdle.

[omängum fra'uti]

Granted, poetry and songs often take liberties with grammar, but it's best to know exactly what liberties you are taking before you take them, so with that in mind...

tahni-ti atan-ta,   tahni-ti nawm-lu
The -ti suffix isn't really proper there.  Assuming it were a transitive verb, you'd still want -l instead of -ti.  One fragment forms a clause, the other doesn't, it seems like it would make sense to either make both a clause or join them somehow.  While atan-ta has some interesting meter to it, it is not proper for an adjective.  Star from-bright?  I'd recommend...
atan-a tahni lu, nawm-a tahni lu
or
atan-a tahni sì nawm-a tahni lu

'awve-a tahni-ri   oe-l ts<ol>e'a   fi-txon,
Looks mostly fine, though I think fì-txon needs an adposition to express that it's happening this night, otherwise it's confusing just having a noun out there.  Probably fa or mì would be appropriate, though I'm not 100% happy with either.
'awve-a tahni-ri oe-l ts<ol>e'a mì fì-txon

Oe-l neu   pawm,   oe-l neu   po kxawm-lu
I'm going to go out on a limb on this one, and say that rather than po for "it", try something like fì-kem - this action.  I'm not sure that would be the correct way to combine wanting with asking, but I'm not sure what the correct way would be.
Oe-l neu pawm, oe-l neu fì-kem kxawm-lu

Teswoting oe-ru   fineu,      oe-l neu   fi-txon.
You can't really say "fìneu" because neu is a verb.  But you could probably get away with "fìtìneu".  Or you could repeat fì-kem from above.
Teswotìng oe-ru fì-tì-neu, oe-l neu mì fì-txon
or
Teswotìng oe-ru fì-kem, oe-l neu mì fì-txon

Also probably pepper in a few <ei> and maybe <ay> in the verbs to show the hopefulness, and future prospect of it.

[Kaltxì Palulukan!]

I'm trying to translate a bit of nursery rhyme into Na'vi to get a better feel for word-ordering (which seems mercifully lax) and rhyming/meter, with the intent of translating something (I don't know what, yet) that can be set to music. I've got a rough first pass, but I can't tell how far off track I've gone.

Star's light,   star great,
tahni-ti atan-ta,   tahni-ti nawm-lu

first star      I see      this night,
'awve-a tahni-ri   oe-l ts<ol>e'a   fi-txon,

I want   to ask,   I want   it perhaps be,
Oe-l neu   pawm,   oe-l neu   po kxawm-lu

Grant me      this want,   I want   this night.
Teswoting oe-ru   fineu,      oe-l neu   fi-txon.

It does still rhyme, but it's probably a mess. Any suggestions are welcome.

Hopefully if I can eventually get something reasonably lyrical, I can pester someone into recording a quick verse. I would almost certainly need to provide a phonetic copy, but that's a small and distant hurdle.

I support you! I salute your efforts!

omängum fra'uti is the grand master of grammar here, but keep going! let nothing dissuade you. :-)

[Nume fpi sänume]

Wow, that was really great. Yeah, don't let our grammar guy make you feel bad, i try to read one of his posts and I get lost. The beginners section is where I still call home

[Kaltxì Palulukan!]

Wow, that was really great. Yeah, don't let our grammar guy make you feel bad, i try to read one of his posts and I get lost. The beginners section is where I still call home

Yeah, you left YOUR gear on MY bunk last night. So I shoved it over on Miller's bunk. Let him deal with it. Man, I hate living in a barracks! No room for personal items.

[Kiliyä]

tanhì, srak?

[Nìwotxkrr Tìyawn]

I support you! I salute your efforts!

omängum fra'uti is the grand master of grammar here, but keep going! let nothing dissuade you. :-)

I love advice from the know-it-all I've learned so much from him, If you've noticed I've sort of become his opposite.