Bionic Arms and Pandora, THE OFFICAL CHAT THREAD (As nominated by Nume)

Lehrrap Uniltìranyu · January 05, 2010, 11:16:41 AM

I'm glad that everyone is enjoying it so much! Good news, the new chapter will be up soon

I'm putting the finishing touches on it, what it is, however, is a se-cr-et. Wait paiently, I'll have it up in about 30 min or so.

Robert Nantangä Tirea · January 05, 2010, 01:40:41 PM

Ok first a little constructive critisism...

QuoteI have a bit of a... reputation. For being smart.

I feel like this deserves to be expanded on a bit more. You can't just go telling everyone you're smart and never show it. The example with people coming to him for advice was good, so maybe include some more where Tank maybe solves some problem(s) for someone/group or include more analytical processing in his narrated thoughts (if you want him to be flippant than maybe not for decision making, but at least for handling issues, problem solving, and advanced planning. Let his genius shine.

QuoteJust a hole torn in the fence of the facility.

Be careful of falling into easy used plot devices that damage your universe continuity. Any reason why there is a hole in the fence? Can you describe such a whole that would let someone through without touching the high-voltage fencing? You need the facts to confirm one-another. There's still plenty of room to be creative though. You can explain how since the defeat of the RDA operations, Eywa found balance with the Hell's Gate base, thus animal intrusions had become far less frequent and the electric fence had been shut down to conserve power. Thus the fence was starting to fall into disrepair and/or become overgrown with local plantlife.

QuoteVines stretched across the Animal trail I was using to make my way along.

Not everything needs an explination but again, be careful not to randomly insert plot devices. Would an animal trail really be that close to the base? Would Tank with limited experience really be able to notice one that fast? (could be if you explain how he starts using his book-learning smarts) Why did he suddenly end up on an animal trail? A few words of situational anticipation and explination go a long way to giving a story a cohesive and well-built feeling. Plus it never hurts if your story is longer because of it, the longer the better!

QuoteI watched as glow of Alpha Centari A's sun slowly dipped away, still there but not, and Pandora grew dark.

Just an FYI, Alpha Centauri A /is/ the star for the Polyphemus system.

Quote<<You are wanted, Dreamwalker. You have been summoned by the Olo'eyktan. Be fortunate that he has asked for you alive.>>"

Did I just miss something or how did the clan leader summon for Tank before he even met the party? Or are you saying that it's decreed by the leader that all Avatars found in the clan's piece of the Pandoran jungle be brought before him?

And one last thing, I'm having a hard time telling when he's talking on video log and when he's not and just narrating for the audience. Or is he always on video log.
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Ok second, some grats!

Great job on the story and I'm really enjoying it, I check back every day to see if the next chapter is out. Can't wait to read the rest, woot woot!

Ngari sìltsan soli!
(you did good!)

Lehrrap Uniltìranyu · January 05, 2010, 01:49:19 PM

Thank you, I appreciate it.

Two replies.

1st: How the Na'vi knew that Tank was here will be revealed in the next chapter.

2nd: Yes, Tank is ALWAYS narrating to the audiance, as the entire story is on his video-log.

As for the other critisisms... Eh. I'll figure out something. (Huzza for plot-hole filling!)

If we're lucky, I may have one or even two more chapters up today. Check back often! Also, does reading the story with the music enhance the story as much as I hope it does?

Lehrrap Uniltìranyu · January 05, 2010, 04:29:07 PM

NEW CHAPTER! COME AND GET IT WHILE IT'S FRESH OUTTA THE OVEN!

-Takes a deep breath- Ah, I love's me some pipeing hot Exposition Pie, don't you? Sorry again about it being more informitive then anything. We'll be back to the action next chapter! Dig in, it's a big one! (Acually had to ajust it very carefully to ensure it would even fit in one post!)

bagget00 · January 06, 2010, 04:16:08 PM

man this is really good

Hufwe Makto · January 06, 2010, 04:22:31 PM

It is but I don't see the next chapter. U said u posted it right? Am I loosing my mind?!?

Lehrrap Uniltìranyu · January 06, 2010, 07:05:53 PM

Chapter seven is the most recent post. I didn't finish Chapter 8 like I planned, so It's still WIP. (work in progress)

It'll be done tonight, I'm sure.

bagget00 · January 07, 2010, 12:11:40 AM

I can't wait.

Lehrrap Uniltìranyu · January 07, 2010, 10:11:23 PM

-Faceplant-

The time is 2110 HRS military, Jan 07, 2010. Chapter 8 is up and finished.

Don't have a music selection for it, sorry.

My head is a bit dinged up, and I want to appologise in advanced, as I feel that chapter 8 is the worst of all the chapters ATM. It writes how I felt right now, a bit wobbly and sleep-deprived, which acually felt good for the way I imagined Tank was feeling, so... yeah.

Enjoy, as usual, leave your comments here, and by the gods I need to start writing shorter chapters...

bagget00 · January 08, 2010, 03:55:19 AM

Pretty good. I liked it. Being tired when I red it I get it a little, but it seemed t meander a bit more than I'm used to from Tank. He keeps circlig in this one. That's about the only thing. Keep going.

Lehrrap Uniltìranyu · January 08, 2010, 03:54:51 PM

Another chapter on it's way! I'll have it up soon. Just need to put a few finishing touches on it (and put it on the computer...)

Lehrrap Uniltìranyu · January 08, 2010, 07:26:47 PM

Alright, I have a new chapter up. Read and enjoy, leave comments here.

I think I'm gonna need a bigger thread soon if this keeps up.

bagget00 · January 08, 2010, 11:01:13 PM

Love the new story. Love how you played the part when describing the audience in his head like an actor on stage. That was clever.

Lehrrap Uniltìranyu · January 09, 2010, 12:10:55 AM

Thanks. I related it to a real moment I had on stage, which brought that moment to life.

BTW, to the mod who censored the F bombs, I would like to aplologise to them for the abundence of the F-bombs in it.

... I think I need to put like, a warning or something for BAP. -Warning, Rated PG-13 for language, violence, graphic descriptions-

And thats all I can think of right now.

bagget00 · January 09, 2010, 01:08:25 AM

Makes sense. The other part I found funny was that it was a little ironic in that it was a movie and it was actors on stage.

Great job.

Also, the F-bombs were needed. The story has to do with a military style base and mrcs and people growing up in a rough time. If there were no F-bombs in it, it would be just too unrealistic.