Author Topic: Displayed  (Read 1695 times)

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Offline bagget00

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Displayed
« on: February 05, 2010, 04:16:31 am »
Chapter 1
Taken
   
From the brush came a rustle. “Shhh! You’re gonna get us spotted. Be more careful.” “Sorry.” “Just shut up and we won’t have trouble.” retorted a figure. “All units, radio silence from now on. Hand signs only. Wait for my signal.” Then the figure peered over a small bush into a clearing filled with sunshine. Their target was laying with another of it’s kind. The figure raised his hands to the others.

Wait until the other leaves. Tranq darts only. We want our target live. If anything goes wrong the other is expendable.

For now we will wait.

***

    “Lonute, wait! This seems like a good place. Let us rest here.” says a tall slender figure. She sits down on a bed of moss covering a large boulder next to a small stream. Lonute stops running, smiles, and turns to join his mate. “You’re right. This is as lovely a place as any to enjoy a rest and bathe In the sunlight.“ He lays down next to her and teasingly says “You’ve grown slower in these last few months Tawte” “Well thats because I am with our child. Oh! Speaking of which, it must have enjoyed the run because it’s kicking.”

The father leans over Tawte and places his ear to her swollen belly. Just then the baby kicks. Lonute jerks his head up in surprise as his mate laughs. “Haha! Serves you right for saying I’m slow.”
As he smiles looking at her, noticing the ray of light breaking through the canopy falling upon her, he thinks of how lucky he is to have found such a beautiful caring mate. Realizing that she has even started matching his own shade and stripe pattern. Lonute revels in the fact that she and he are the fastest runners in the clan. He can’t get enough of her, and wants to spend every moment of his life with her and their soon to be born child.

Then something changes. He notices the quietness in the air, the stillness. Tawte’s expression changes as she watches Lonute. Then she too realizes something is wrong.
Lonute’s ear twitches at a rustle. He looks around trying to find anything. Tawte sniffs the air.

***

Everyone, get ready. She’s not leaving.

As the figure tenses, he looks to his left and his right, gazing at the other members of his team. They nod, one at a time, letting him know they are good to go.

Fan out slow.

But as they do so, the worst possible thing happened. Snap! The figure looks down to see a broken twig. He looks out to see he two Na’vi staring straight I his direction.

Go! Go! Go!

He and his men run forward before their mission is blown.

***

   After looking around and still hearing nothing, Lonute turns back to his mate and says “We should continue our run and get back to Hometree.” Tawte looks to her mate, “Okay. Help me up.” Just as he is reaching for her, they hear a snap. They both look straight at a wall of low bush. Then he sees movement, and the next thing he knows there is a group of five men clothed in black armor running straight for him and Tawte.

Lonute starts running for the group while pulling out his blade. Before the men have time to react, he has sliced open the front half of one man and is plunging his dagger into the throat of a second. The men start yelling in a foreign tongue, “Get him tranqued now! Shoot the other before she gets away and tells the rest of them!” Lonute doesn’t understand them but recognizes urgency in their voice. He pulls his dagger out of the man’s throat, and turns to Tawte. “Run! Quickly! I can handle these men! Go warn the others!” 

He starts to twirl his blade toward another man when he hears a loud Bang! Lonute looks back to his mate and watches as she falls to the ground. “NO!” Lonute runs toward Tawte but as he does feels a stingpain in the small of his back. But instead of pain, he starts to lose the feeling to his extremities and back. Then, there comes another sting followed by a third until he can’t stand anymore.

As he falls to the ground just feet away from his Tawte, he sees the hole in her. He sees where the flesh has been torn and where the blood has already started to pool in the dirt. “NO NO NO NONO! TAWTE! WAKE UP!” As his vision starts to blur, he watches as the Aliens in black armor walk to where he is laying. Lonute struggles to move his limbs, a finger, anything to hold Tawte. Anything to hold his mate on this world and keep her and her child from slipping away from Lonute. But all he can do is watch her face relax as she closes her eyes. Then his vision fades from a blur to black.
« Last Edit: February 05, 2010, 04:32:02 am by bagget00 »
"meoauniaea" (meh-oh-ah-oo-nee-ah-eh-ah). "Don't ask me what it means - I haven't assigned a meaning yet. But I love the word!" Frommer said.

"Latin and Zombies. Technically dead, but still influencing society."

Author of http://forum.learnnavi.org/fiction-fanfiction/displayed/

Offline MadArrowSkillz101

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Re: Displayed
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2010, 08:01:34 am »
Very cool, great opening.Looking forward to more  :)
"Look out hot rod" - Guy in AMP suit
"Come to papa" - Quaritch
"You should not be here" - Neytiri
"I wanna be back for dinner" - Quaritch

Author of: http://bit.ly/cCHVlX   (Fan Fiction)

Offline Tengfya swizaw

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Re: Displayed
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2010, 11:02:51 pm »
Great job! I have to say, you do an excellent job at conveying setting. I could almost envision the clearing with surrounded by bushes. The imagery is great, and the love shown between the two Na'vi is well done, and the expectation and joy of a imminent child was well rendered. As I said before, you do well of painting pictures with words. The piece flows smoothly, with little interruption when providing background about the characters. The dialogue, for the most part, is well done. In a few instances, I think it sounds rather forced ("This is as lovely a place as any to enjoy a rest and bathe In the sunlight."). While I'm not sure if this was your intention, it doesn't quite sound natural.
Overall, I think this is a great start and can't wait to hear more. Bravo, and you've got yourself a reader.
« Last Edit: February 07, 2010, 11:10:40 pm by Tengfya swizaw »


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Offline bagget00

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Re: Displayed
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2010, 11:08:47 pm »
Irayo.  will look for more things like that in my next chapter when I get around to making it. I work a lot so on my days off I can try to write one and post it. Sound good?
"meoauniaea" (meh-oh-ah-oo-nee-ah-eh-ah). "Don't ask me what it means - I haven't assigned a meaning yet. But I love the word!" Frommer said.

"Latin and Zombies. Technically dead, but still influencing society."

Author of http://forum.learnnavi.org/fiction-fanfiction/displayed/

Offline Tengfya swizaw

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Re: Displayed
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2010, 11:11:00 pm »
Sounds great.


Here's to not knowing exactly what you're saying and having fun with it.

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http://learnnavi.deviantart.com/

Offline Nume fpi sänume

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Re: Displayed
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2010, 01:24:09 am »
The detail rich environment really helped me get into the story here. It has a nice pace, and seemed to flow together without much interruption. I enjoyed this piece a lot :D

Offline bagget00

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Re: Displayed
« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2010, 12:01:15 am »
Hey. Sorry all, but I can't post anything due to the fact that I have not written a story. My dad broke his wrist and I had to go to the hospital. Sorry. I have however written down the basic plot for 4 chapters so I mgiht be able to make up next week with 2 chapters.
"meoauniaea" (meh-oh-ah-oo-nee-ah-eh-ah). "Don't ask me what it means - I haven't assigned a meaning yet. But I love the word!" Frommer said.

"Latin and Zombies. Technically dead, but still influencing society."

Author of http://forum.learnnavi.org/fiction-fanfiction/displayed/

Offline Technowraith

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Re: Displayed
« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2010, 10:19:07 am »
Hey. Sorry all, but I can't post anything due to the fact that I have not written a story. My dad broke his wrist and I had to go to the hospital. Sorry. I have however written down the basic plot for 4 chapters so I mgiht be able to make up next week with 2 chapters.

Write more when you can. It's a great story that i would to see more of.
See that shadow? It's the last one you're gonna see.

Tsmukan fa kxetse anawm

Offline Cotton

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Re: Displayed
« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2010, 04:33:14 pm »
Seems like a good start. I'll PM you in-depth feedback just to keep myself busy while I wait for my iPod to charge (I hate writing without listening to music via headphones, lol).

First chapter's events are very similar to a bit coming up in my fanfic. It'll be different, though - that's just where mine is heading in a couple of chapters.
Too late we see the warnings; too late we learn...
~ Daniel Gildenlöw: Pain of Salvation - A Trace of Blood

Offline Tsam'Txur

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Re: Displayed
« Reply #9 on: April 08, 2010, 09:33:27 pm »
oh, wow. You write like pure awesomeness!  ;D
My critique: Get the next few chapters out, because I have a feeling that I'd eat all this up.
Jake-How will I know if he chooses me?
Neytiri-He will try to kill you.
Jake-...Outstanding.


 

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