Only Hope is Left (my Avatar novel)

Started by Ni-Alu, May 04, 2010, 05:22:26 PM

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Ni-Alu

Synopsis: The Skypeople have been defeated. Now life must go on. Toruk Makto must lead his people into a new home and a new life. Jake, Neytiri, and their friends try to live a semi-normal life, all the while preparing for the return of the Skypeople.

This covers the jump cut during the movie and will progress through their lives. Rated M.
R&R appreciated. Mostly canon. Chapters 1-5 currently up and more coming soon!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5832676/1/Only_Hope_is_Left

Enjoy!
~Ni'Alu  ;D
http://omatikaya.blogspot.com

Carborundum

#1
This looks very promising! I have only read the first chapter so far, but I enjoy your way of writing very much. This changing of perspective that you do inside paragraphs is very interesting, I have rarely seen anyone pull it of as well as you do.
I also thought I'd take this opportunity to point out any mistakes I found:

Neytiri froze and started into Palulukan's golden eyes - Stared, right?
Jake suddenly appeared of the jungle - I think you're missing an out here.
he managed to perry the attack - Parry.
tsahaylu - The correct spelling is actually tsaheylu. There has been some confusion about this one, but we have it directly from Dr. Frommer now.
Her face was exactly needed to see - What he needed to see, perhaps?
a longing to hiss her - To hiss at her, or to kiss her? Questions, questions  ;D
His eyes were small and brown - They're actually blue.
Tears of relief and love spilled from here eyes - Her.
She had been so close to loosing him - losing.

I'll be back with more once I've read the other chapters  ;)

Chapter 2:
somebody hear a distant cough and a rumble - If I'm not misunderstanding, I think heard would be more appropriate.
Selfridge barely had the time and presence of mind to run for an emergency exo-pack before before the massive head of the Slash-cutter came crashing through the windows
We learn from our mistakes only if we are made aware of them.
If I make a mistake, please bring it to my attention for karma.

Muzer

Another good one! I'm intrigued, keep writing! Some of the words you made up seem a bit iffy (too many consonants in a row or the same vowel twice), but other than that it's good.

I'm interested in seeing how you're going to get the sawtute to end up leaving from their currently quite defiant position (a hostage-like situation would be interesting to say the least), and where you're going to take the story after that.
[21:42:56] <@Muzer> Apple products used to be good, if expensive
[21:42:59] <@Muzer> now they are just expensive

Muzer

New chapter is good, if a little brief! Keep them coming! And make sure you post here when you do - it's annoying having to check the site a lot (fortunately I noticed it).
[21:42:56] <@Muzer> Apple products used to be good, if expensive
[21:42:59] <@Muzer> now they are just expensive

Muzer

Another brilliant chapter! If you do visit this forum, please post when you get a new one out!

Again, the only gripe I have is that your word for queue has repeated vowels in it which aren't allowed in Na'vi except in special circumstances like interjections (most obvious one is saa from the film, just when Jake steps forward to shake hands with eytukan). - but saying these are legal Na'vi words would be like saying hmm and grr are legal English - they aren't ;p
[21:42:56] <@Muzer> Apple products used to be good, if expensive
[21:42:59] <@Muzer> now they are just expensive

Ni-Alu

@Muzer

haha. Oops. I try, but I'm just not an expert at this. Oh well. Perhaps would a spelling of "tsìyeel" be better? I'm actually in the process of going back and doing some editing - seems I've been making a lot of linguistic mistakes lately.

and I'm sorry for not posting here lately. Honestly, things have been completely crazy and I totally forgot that I had posted at ALL on Learnnavi.org. Once I'm finished with the next chapter, I'll be sure to post updates here as well. And just so you know, it's not that hard to get an account on fanfiction.net. You don't have to be an author. You just sign up for free and you can Favorite Authors and Stories and get Alerts when new chapters come out. It's a pretty good system. And you don't have to go searching for everything on your own.  :-*

Muzer

If you're looking for something that sounds like the name for the letter "a" in English, use "ey". I'm not quite sure what sound you're trying to make there though, so I don't think I can give advice.
[21:42:56] <@Muzer> Apple products used to be good, if expensive
[21:42:59] <@Muzer> now they are just expensive

Ni-Alu


Muzer

Again, really good! It almost made me cry when Jake was having his flashback.
[21:42:56] <@Muzer> Apple products used to be good, if expensive
[21:42:59] <@Muzer> now they are just expensive

Tsamsiyu92

You spelled skxawng wrong.

Go through every chapter with it and replace "skawng" with "skxawng".

Txantslusam Skxawng

Quote from: Tsamsiyu92 on June 02, 2010, 03:02:21 PM
You spelled skxawng wrong.

Go through every chapter with it and replace "skawng" with "skxawng".
HRH!
WirelessTsaheylu=Bluetooth
Inventor of the word NARF


Ni-Alu

@Tsamsiyu92

*smacks forehead!* ACK! :-[ Speaking of skxawngs! Thank you for letting me know. I'll get right on that. Silly me  :o

Tsamsiyu92

#12
In ch6: hubris you have written ay-noun-s

That's kind of too much really, the englsih and the na'vi plural marker in the same word. Anyways, i thank the history teacher for "forgetting" my presantation today, because i read the veeery long chapter of yours yesterday.

EDIT: Another mistake here: "Drrg'a".

The letters: B, C, D, G and any ch/sh sound is not correct in Na'vi. I doubt that ts followed by an glottal stop is easy to pronounce too.

EDIT2: Torukä Na'ring Forest is kind of....hmm.....unneccesary.

EDIT3: More ubisoft-like names using the illegal letters (as stated in first edit).

I am really enjoying this story anyways:)

Muzer

#13
A bit like RAS syndrome (only not an acronym)?



EDIT: Tautology, that's the word!
[21:42:56] <@Muzer> Apple products used to be good, if expensive
[21:42:59] <@Muzer> now they are just expensive

Unil stä'nìyu

What a great story. Kind of helped me get over the sudden ending of the movie.

I did have one problem though... Had to read the story in one go. Was actually about to hit bed, when finished chapter 4, but couldn't let go :)
So i stayed up until 3:30 in the morning to finish it, (until chapter 8 at that time), and THEN i got my beauty sleep... For about two hours. LOL

What i'm trying to say is: You did an extremely nice job writing this. The way you tell the tale is, in my opinion, rarely seen in fan fic forums. The ones i've seen that is. You have an ability to draw the reader into the story, as if he/she actually was there, looking at it. I can't describe it in any better way than this.

I'm doing my own story (my first) and your story actually triggered me to do that. I had the idea, but i wasn't sure how to tell it. 1st person or 3rd person? Present or past? I was quite unsure. Until i read your story. So very much thank you for "kicking my ass in motion" even though it wasn't (probably) your intention.

Thanks a lot for the story, and i do hope i get to read more "Avatar"ish stories by you.

Eywa Ngahu.

Tsamsiyu92

You seem to be using te as "of", when you should have used genitive.

"Nari te Eywa" = wrong
"Nari Eywayä" = correct.