Author Topic: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}  (Read 2863 times)

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Offline Tìrey Tsmukan

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The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« on: June 16, 2010, 02:21:56 pm »
Kaltxì frapo.

The first chapter of my story is up. Those that have read it may comment here. Don't worry about telling me anything about the story. I would like feedback of any kind. However, try to keep it polite. Irayo.

Eywa ngahu!

Tsamsiyu92

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2010, 03:51:23 pm »
It is great, keep it up:)

Offline Muzer

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2010, 04:18:53 pm »
Intriguing, though too little so far to really comment much. Your style is pretty good, good grammar, and looks generally intriguing as I said.
[21:42:56] <@Muzer> Apple products used to be good, if expensive
[21:42:59] <@Muzer> now they are just expensive

Offline Tìrey Tsmukan

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2010, 05:26:25 pm »
Chapter two is up, Now is where things are gonna slow down a bit, 'cause I don't have much more already written.

Thanks for the comments, hopefully I'll be able to show a little more with the next chapters.

Eywa ngahu!

Offline Muzer

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #4 on: June 16, 2010, 05:49:07 pm »
Yom is the verb, eat. Syuve, food, is what you're looking for - unless you were trying to emulate the English slang "eats" meaning food - but I'd be very careful when emulating slang, as with idioms, you really don't know whether it would actually be used by people, or whether you will just look like a skxawng...
[21:42:56] <@Muzer> Apple products used to be good, if expensive
[21:42:59] <@Muzer> now they are just expensive

Offline Tìrey Tsmukan

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #5 on: June 16, 2010, 06:12:02 pm »
Do'h! Irayo nìtxan, ma tsmukan!

I was looking for Syuve. But I've been using Yoms in my speech, (Because of the whole nom thing) and I forgot that it didn't actually mean food...

I'll go fix that, Thanks again.

Eywa ngahu!

Tsamsiyu92

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2010, 03:14:30 am »
The new chapter is nice. The only flaw is that Na'vi does not have eyebrows, only avatars do.

Offline Tìrey Tsmukan

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #7 on: June 22, 2010, 09:53:35 am »
I am aware of that, but it didn't feel right saying, eyebrowridges... 
I was thinking of using Eyestripes. but that also didn't sound quite right, as well as anyone who didn't know the Na'vi anatomy would be confused. Then I thought about trying to use a different expression of movement, but body language is so much a part of speech that many time's there's only one option for what you're looking for.
Does anyone have any suggestions for solving this problem?

Eywa ngahu!

Offline Tìrey Tsmukan

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #8 on: July 01, 2010, 12:44:52 pm »
The next chapter is up. Let me know what you think.

Eywa ngahu!

Offline Tìrey Tsmukan

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #9 on: July 04, 2010, 03:18:00 pm »
Just so everyone knows, it'll be a little while for the next part. I won't have access to any electronic devices for the next five days. But I'll get right on it when I get back. Sorry to keep you all waiting.

Eywa ngahu!

Offline Txura Rolyu

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #10 on: August 09, 2010, 11:30:01 pm »
What has happened? This story was really taking off. Plz bring it back soon ma 'eylan.
Neytiri: Now you choose your woman. This you must feel inside. If she also chooses you, move quick like I showed.
Jake: How will I know if she chooses me?
Neytiri: She will try to kill you.
Jake: Outstanding. *takes out an ikran-catcher and walks through hometree looking for women*

Offline Tìrey Tsmukan

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #11 on: August 14, 2010, 07:17:22 pm »
Heh, I apologize greatly ma 'eylan. I've been extremely busy. and haven't had a chance to write any more. I hope to bring you more soon, but my schedule looks pretty locked for at least this month. Any free time I have will be spent on my book, but if I have the chance, I'll hopefully bring the next chapter up soon.

Offline Txura Rolyu

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #12 on: August 17, 2010, 05:58:07 pm »
I eagarly await your return. Goodluck on your book :)
Neytiri: Now you choose your woman. This you must feel inside. If she also chooses you, move quick like I showed.
Jake: How will I know if she chooses me?
Neytiri: She will try to kill you.
Jake: Outstanding. *takes out an ikran-catcher and walks through hometree looking for women*

Offline Tìrey Tsmukan

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #13 on: August 17, 2010, 11:36:43 pm »
Thank you. Hopefully, I will be able to make a swift return to normal life. Then I'll have time to work on this.

Eywa ayngahu for now.

Offline Tìrey Tsmukan

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #14 on: December 02, 2010, 04:49:01 pm »
Oel ngati kameie frapo.

First, I apologize with great sincerity about the length of time that has passed since my last update. I have not had the time, or truly, the want, to write anymore until just yesterday. I love writing, but as of late, my inspiration for a story based upon JC's wonderful movie, had vanished. I had no thoughts of how to go on. I just faced a slightly controversial point in my life, and it brought back my love for Avatar. So, I present to you the next chapter. I hope you find it to your liking, I hope to add more in the coming week.

Also, I would like to thank the people that expressed interest in the story, it means a lot to me to hear that I'm connecting with someone. Irayo.

Eywa ngahu!

Offline Tìrey Tsmukan

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #15 on: December 10, 2010, 06:47:48 pm »
Next chapter is up. Hopefully I'll keep it going every week. Let me know what you think.

Offline Tìrey Tsmukan

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #16 on: January 15, 2011, 07:27:25 pm »
The Next chapter is up... *a rolling weed blows by, across the empty desert...* /sarcasm...

Offline Txura Rolyu

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #17 on: January 16, 2011, 12:14:38 am »
So will this AI keep on playing a role for the RP? What happened to the woman that was with Drake? Did Drake have a twin brother that was designated to use the AVTR he is carrying? I know AVTR's are meant for one mind only unless they are identical twins.
Neytiri: Now you choose your woman. This you must feel inside. If she also chooses you, move quick like I showed.
Jake: How will I know if she chooses me?
Neytiri: She will try to kill you.
Jake: Outstanding. *takes out an ikran-catcher and walks through hometree looking for women*

Offline Tìrey Tsmukan

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #18 on: January 16, 2011, 12:48:14 am »
heh, interesting questions ma 'eylan.  ;)

Quote
Will the AI keep on playing a role for the RP?

hmm, I'm gonna say that's a yes. Amie will most definitely continue to do something... but what I don't know yet. We'll see where she wants to go.

Quote
What happened to the woman that was with Drake?
I'm not sure yet, I think we'll find out in the next chapter... All I know is Alex made her way into my mind for a reason... she's not dead I can tell you that.

Quote
Did Drake have a twin brother that was designated to use the AVTR he is carrying? I know AVTR's are meant for one mind only unless they are identical twins.
No. Drake is an only child. He spent a great deal of time on an RDA recruitment base on Earth, and knows a great deal about the AVATAR program. He grew it himself for himself. I quote Norm and Jake and Max to show this can actually work:
Jake: "wow they got big..."
Norm: "yeah, they fully mature on the way out."
Max: "the idea of Stims seemed to work nice, great muscle tone"

This means that you can start and fully grow an AVATAR during the Five years twelve months and twenty two days. We're not exactly sure how it's done, but I would think that it's mostly automatic. Get some DNA of the Na'vi, and of the human in question. Gene splice. Put in Avatar tank. And away we go.

Drake wanted to come to Pandora to hide, what better way than to do that as a Na'vi? Or at least an Avatar. We'll see how it all plays out. I'm unsure if he'll even ever USE the Avatar, but it'll be there if I need it...  ;)

I don't want to spoil anything major. So I can't answer anything else. But every person I've implemented so far has a purpose. I won't forget anyone.

Thanks a lot Txura. Eywa ngahu.

Offline Tìrey Tsmukan

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Re: The Journey of Raltaw. {Comments}
« Reply #19 on: February 08, 2011, 06:46:41 pm »
The next chapter is up. I hope you enjoy it.

 

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