The Skxawng and his Gaia are soon parted - Discussions Thread (Author Txur'Itan)

[Zalorticus]

That was longer than I thought it was. It is late here, but I look forward to reading it in the morning.

[Txur’Itan]

I am open to critique, I am trying to work on my narrative voice, and since my muse is distracted by the Avatar universe, I am stuck writing stories there for a little while.

[fkeua vrrtep]

im pretty impressed ,ive already read about 20% of your story and its quite interesting and of course i like it , it must have took you long to fit your thoughts into this text , I am going to finish it and let you know what i think about it .

[Tengfya swizaw]

Wow. I just read it. I have to say, I like the mixing of Na'vi and english and how it genuinely sounds like the narrator is a small girl. The concept reminded me of some of the works of Orson Scott Card. Great job! Have you done any more?

[Txur’Itan]

Thanks for the comments.

Frankly I thought people weren't reading it.

I was expecting some serious slamming on it.

I have plenty of ideas to carry on, but I was not sure. But I like to write, so I think I will go on.

The interesting thing about this story, is that my knowledge of Na'vi is like that of a child, so it kind of works out for the story.  I never Know if it is better to translate, or trust the reader to figure it out.

I am anything but a small girl myself, it is a real stretch for me, but I thought the narrative would be more interesting this way, I am channeling my niece, she is a great deal of inspiration for the main character.  They are both very young, very smart, and very spiritual, although they don't both worship Eywa, I think I can derive some things from this.

[Nume fpi sänume]

It's really quite good, I've enjoyed it as well Keep goin!

[Txur’Itan]

It's really quite good, I've enjoyed it as well Keep goin!

OK then, I guess I will carry on.  

[Txepa-utral Atxkxe]

Very beautiful. Please continue!

[Duma Vadamee {Aungia Tsawkeyä}]

very...good. i like it "very sad, only"

[Txur’Itan]

The thought processes for this story needs a recharge.  I need to reconnect with the emotions of the first chapter.  I am too far down into the uncanny valley I think.

I will get back to work on this in a little while.

[Txur’Itan]

The thought processes for this story needs a recharge.  I need to reconnect with the emotions of the first chapter.  I am too far down into the uncanny valley I think.

I will get back to work on this in a little while.

I got a negative review, apparently the use of the Na'vi language in my story detracts from a story about Na'vi, from a Na'vi perspective...

I wonder how I should deal with that?

[Txur’Itan]

Story Thread - http://forum.learnnavi.org/fiction-fanfiction/the-skxawng-and-his-gaia-are-soon-parted/

I got a bit of feedback near the beginning, but after I adjusted around the feedback, not much was said.  I see lots of visits to the story still, but not much is being said about it.

I was curious what you readers thought.

[Muzer]

I never read this one actually, I'll get on with reading it now.

In the meantime, would you like me to move all comments not related to the development of the actual story into this thread? Or should I just leave them as they are?

[Tìrey Tsmukan]

nìtxan irayo fpi fi'vur seri. ~Thank you so much for writing this story!

I myself am a writer, and am in the process of writing a book. (I'm also writing a Avatar fan-fic, but I don't think I'll be working on that much right now) I've also read a lot of stories, fanfics, and general word work. So I just wanted to say that what I've read of your story is very good! I've only read the first chapter, so what I have to say may be fixed or not in the following. but I'll just tell you what I noticed.
The general setting and writing style reminds me of three different authors, James Welch, Hemmingway, and a bit of Mark Twain. Especially Onatah.
The fact that it's being told from the view of a young girl, sets a sort of sad and yet inherently interesting storyline. I found that fact quite enjoyable.
I could go on with what I liked about your story for a long time. Needless to say, I'm very interested to see what else you write, if anything. But, there are a few things which I would like to point out, that I hope will help you progress with your writing:

You've got a few problems with your Na'vi, mainly leaving out letters on occasion. (such as in your title, "The Skawng and his Gaia are soon parted." It should be Skxawng) On occasion I saw a few grammar problems, but nothing so great as to highlight. You have a good grasp of Na'vi sentence structure, (One of the things I'm lacking in.) and you just need to work a little more with affixes. Otherwise, your Na'vi is fine.

When you're in the story, there are sometimes sudden changes with what's going on. If done in the right way, this is a useful writing tool to keep the reader engaged. But if used too often, it can just confuse. Be a little careful when doing sudden changes with what's going on.

I like how you integrated Na'vi words into the story, but in a few places, it felt a little... forced. I'm not sure how to phrase it, but just think about how a Na'vi would be saying the words. And what words you would think he/she would have to think about or teach.

All in all, Sìltsana nìtxan! I can't wait to see what else you have in store for ayoeng.

Eywa ngahu, ma Tsmukan. Eywa fyawivìntxu ngayä tsyokx, ulte Gaia wivìntxu ngati kame.

~Tìrey Tsmukan.

[Txur’Itan]

Irayo ma smuk.  Oel ayngati kameie.

The other comments could probably stand to be moved here.

Bilingual people I know personally tend not to use more than one language to describe a scene in conversation, but I wanted to convey that she is thinking in Na'vi, without hammering peoples heads in with a language they do not understand.  So in actuality, I see the use of the English as forced because it is my mother tongue, and my audience does not all read Na'vi.  Otherwise in my original draft I would have left out the translations.

The Na'vi language included in the story was from early learning of the language, I wrote the first chapter in around January-February.  There is more Na'vi further in, and she remains consistent in her use of it.  She hears things, and adopts them into her way of speaking and thinking.  So rewrites have evolved the early chapters a bit.

I have been learning the language in pieces since January, and I wrote the first chapter when my understanding was at its weakest, over time I would go back and correct my Na'vi grammar and such, I have not revised the Na'vi in some time, and frankly, I need a second set of eyes for it.  

The later chapters are in better condition Na'vi wise, but the story was loosing momentum because I felt I lost my audience or maybe I lost my audience because of my loss of momentum, I don't know either way.  To finish this story, I do need to reconnect with the mood, and I have not done that in a  while.  After I finish this other project I am working on, I think I will go back and edit the chapters again to clean up anything that I can spot.

Missing letters are typos, but I will try to be a bit more cautious about it.  The affixes/infixes were in transitional understanding for me at the time when I first wrote some of what is in the first chapter, I will probably have to do another edit to fix it.  I think I was much better about what I placed in the actual story, than what I used to head this thread.  I have corrected it accordingly in this thread.  I don't know where in the story I have missed letters, but if I or anyone else does spot them on a reread, I will do my best to correct for that.

The sudden changes are a reflection of my own perceptions inadvertently.  The result is I think she has a bit of ADD, so my character's focus shifts accordingly, even if it is not explicitly splayed out.  What she is paying attention to is unfocused nearly always, and as she tells the story of what has occurred, she loose focus unintentionally as a psychological flaw of her disordered thinking.

Later in the story, this is pointed out to her in a subtle way.  

Kìyevame ulte Eywa ayngahu!

[Tìrey Tsmukan]

Good answers. I see what you did was planed. Good work.

I very much like the story so far, and as I said it reminds me of the authors I mentioned.

Bilingual people I know personally tend not to use more than one language to describe a scene in conversation, but I wanted to convey that she is thinking in Na'vi, without hammering peoples heads in with a language they do not understand. So in actuality, I see the use of the English as forced because it is my mother tongue, and my audience does not all read Na'vi.

Very true. I simply found it a little strange at times, even knowing the Na'vi myself. But I think you're right, it's the English that's forced. Not the Na'vi.

The Na'vi language included in the story was from early learning of the language, I wrote the first chapter in around January-February.  There is more Na'vi further in, and she remains consistent in her use of it.  She hears things, and adopts them into her way of speaking and thinking.  So rewrites have evolved the early chapters a bit.

I have been learning the language in pieces since January, and I wrote the first chapter when my understanding was at its weakest, over time I would go back and correct my Na'vi grammar and such, I have not revised the Na'vi in some time, and frankly, I need a second set of eyes for it.

Ah, I see. I actually know exactly what you mean. I did not intend to say that your grammar was bad, simply a little outdated. (perhaps I should have said that...) So now I understand your reasons for it.

I haven't read the later chapters yet, and I don't have time right now. But I will let you know what I think when I reach them.

The sudden changes are a reflection of my own perceptions inadvertently.  The result is I think she has a bit of ADD, so my character's focus shifts accordingly, even if it is not explicitly splayed out.  What she is paying attention to is unfocused nearly always, and as she tells the story of what has occurred, she loose focus unintentionally as a psychological flaw of her disordered thinking.

Well placed defense. With that thought in mind, I find it much easier to imagine.

Well, you've proven your point on all the things I mentioned. So, with the new information in mind. This is one of the best fanfictions I've read in a long time. May your fingers never stray from the path of inspiration.

Eywa ngahu, ma smuk. Oel ngati kameie.

[Muzer]

All comments moved. Unfortunately, I can't keep you as the owner of this thread as the first comment was not by you (unless I delete or move back Zalorticus's comment); and I can't move the posts around (though you could edit your first comment in this thread).

[Txur’Itan]

All comments moved. Unfortunately, I can't keep you as the owner of this thread as the first comment was not by you (unless I delete or move back Zalorticus's comment); and I can't move the posts around (though you could edit your first comment in this thread).

I just changed the thread heading for all of the posts to accommodate this.

[Muzer]

Oh, you're a moderator? You could have done the moving yourself then; I didn't notice that

Damn you making me work!

[Txur’Itan]

Oh, you're a moderator? You could have done the moving yourself then; I didn't notice that

Damn you making me work!

LOLZ!