Feedback story The untold stories of the War on Pandora

Started by Txep swirä, December 27, 2011, 08:34:07 AM

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Txep swirä

Hey guys,

A time ago, I wrote an story in Dutch but now I am gonna rewrite it in English. :)
Please remind, my English is not very good yet, so if you find any errors, please tell me :) I really appreciate it.

I hope that you guys enjoy it.

some notes:
The story is written with in the same timeline as Avatar, some events are the same as in the movies, but told from different eyes.
and comments can be left here :)
You can find the story here.

Greeting,
Txep swirä
"You not be here. Go back!"
Neytiri

I survived Black Mesa, I went trough City 17, I fought trough Rapture and escaped....
So what can possible go wrong on Pandora?

Stories:
The untold stories of the war on Pandora (written in Dutch)written in English

archaic

Well, you're English is better than my Dutch.
Shows potential, moar please.
Pasha, an Avatar story, my most recent fanfic, Avatar related, now complete.

The Dragon Affair my last fanfic, non Avatar related.

Txep swirä

The third chapter is up in the air.

I am not really original with names and stuff, so there are more Na'vi wo are called Eytukan  ;)
"You not be here. Go back!"
Neytiri

I survived Black Mesa, I went trough City 17, I fought trough Rapture and escaped....
So what can possible go wrong on Pandora?

Stories:
The untold stories of the war on Pandora (written in Dutch)written in English

archaic

I know how you feel, finding Na'vi names is not easy.
Pasha, an Avatar story, my most recent fanfic, Avatar related, now complete.

The Dragon Affair my last fanfic, non Avatar related.

Txep swirä

thank you archaic for the reactions :)

I've had a lot of good reaction in the Dutch section but they al said that they were not used to read a story like avater in Dutch only in Eglish.
Somethings are rewritten, added some and deleted some, to make the story more believing ;)
"You not be here. Go back!"
Neytiri

I survived Black Mesa, I went trough City 17, I fought trough Rapture and escaped....
So what can possible go wrong on Pandora?

Stories:
The untold stories of the war on Pandora (written in Dutch)written in English

Txep swirä

Chapter 4 is now online. :)

I don't really know how the militairy is there on Pandora, I don't know what normal is there.
So i've based it on the militairy of these days. So how are the ranks? What are the disiplines? That kind off stuff.

"You not be here. Go back!"
Neytiri

I survived Black Mesa, I went trough City 17, I fought trough Rapture and escaped....
So what can possible go wrong on Pandora?

Stories:
The untold stories of the war on Pandora (written in Dutch)written in English