Uniltaron--comments.

[Ekirä]

Comments here for the story Uniltaron: http://forum.learnnavi.org/fiction-fanfiction/uniltaron/

[Seykxetskxe te Vawm 'Ewan'ite (Kalin Kato)]

I really liked your story, ma tsmuke!  I love the diction, all the strong words, such as vile, etc, gave it the intensity of the dream. Love it! 

[Puvomun]

Kaltxì, ma tsmuke,

You wrote a very good story. Really, I liked reading it very much.

I have a small remark, maybe something that is not important: you wrote about "an electric current". In the Omatikaya world there is no electricity, so if Ekirä is comparing things, it would be better to to use words from her world. Perhaps it would be "like if he were stung by an animal" or "like the reaction to a strong poison".

Please, this is only constructive criticism, don't get me wrong. You write well. Thank you for this.

[Ekirä]

Kaltxì, ma tsmuke,

You wrote a very good story. Really, I liked reading it very much.

I have a small remark, maybe something that is not important: you wrote about "an electric current". In the Omatikaya world there is no electricity, so if Ekirä is comparing things, it would be better to to use words from her world. Perhaps it would be "like if he were stung by an animal" or "like the reaction to a strong poison".

Please, this is only constructive criticism, don't get me wrong. You write well. Thank you for this.

Irayo, constructive criticism is always welcome. I did ponder about putting that in, because I couldn't find any way else of describing it. It's only half-way from Ekirä's point of view....also from the point of view of the narrator. But you're right, it doesn't really fit in with the story.

I wonder if there is lightning on Pandora....in the ASG it talks about stellar flare, but that's radiation, not electricity. Hm....I'll think about that one. Again, thanks for pointing that out.

[Puvomun]

Perhaps an idea for an easy fix:

He jolted like an electric current had run through his entire being

He jolted like shocks were running through his entire being...

It can be as simple as that, even when that is not so dramatic as electric current. Maybe this triggers an idea with you.

Kiyevame!

[Lolet]

Very good, I've never read a story about the Dream Hunt before. It would be very hard to watch.