Author Topic: My first short story in Na'vi  (Read 3419 times)

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Offline Fortuna

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My first short story in Na'vi
« on: December 21, 2009, 07:53:55 pm »
Mì unilyä

Mì unilyä oe ka atxkxe ne na’rìng kolä.  Na’rìng swotu lu, na’rìng hu tìrey lolu.  Oe hu fnu tìran, krrpe ean atan tolse’a. Sìltsan-a sì swoka-a aungia lam lolu.  Tsakrr tsamsiyu oe tolse’a.  Poe sevin lolu.  “Nari si! Aysawtutel Na’viti ‘ayeko. Na’vil Na’viti hawnu zene.”    Poe pollltxe.  Tskarr poe neto kolä.  Tskarr…oe txolen.

Oe rä’ä omum pe umilyä ral lu…



Please correct me!

Offline Nume fpi sänume

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2009, 07:59:22 pm »
Wow, that's gonna take me some time just to translate. Ive been at this for a couple and i only picked up a word or two, you've written a short story :P great job!

Offline Fortuna

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2009, 07:59:33 pm »
sorry, forgot to add the intended translation:
In my dreamI went through the land to the forest.  The forest was a sacred place, the forest was with life.  I walked with silence when I saw a blue light.  Good and sacred was this omen.  Then I saw a warrior.  She was beautiful.  "Be careful!  The sky people will attack the Na'vi.  The Na'vi must protect the Na'vi."  She said.  Then she went away. Then...I awakened.

I do not understand the meaning of my dream...

Offline Nume fpi sänume

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2009, 08:03:45 pm »
That helps. Seeing longer pieces like this and seeing the way words are put together seems to help me understand the language much more. Irayo!

Offline guitarsniper

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #4 on: December 21, 2009, 08:12:35 pm »
well done! how long did this take you to compose?
ayoengl fa ftia emz<ay>a’<ei>u

Offline Fortuna

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #5 on: December 21, 2009, 08:19:04 pm »
It took me about an hour, actually.  I kept going back and looking up different words and forms, I changed the tense at one point from present to past.  And every word was new to me, so I had to keep looking them up to make sure I had the spelling right.

All in all, a tedious process, but I'm proud of myself, as fault-filled as it may be XD

Offline guitarsniper

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #6 on: December 21, 2009, 08:25:23 pm »
well, well done.
ayoengl fa ftia emz<ay>a’<ei>u

Offline Fortuna

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #7 on: December 21, 2009, 08:28:50 pm »
Irayo ma guitarsniper!

Offline omängum fra'uti

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #8 on: December 21, 2009, 08:30:05 pm »
Nice story, and somewhat brave and bold so early on.  Good move overall. :)

I'm the deaf leading the blind here, but the only sentence there I've really thought about is the last one.  I'm trying to offer constructive criticism here, but please someone smack me down if I'm talking nonsense.

Oe rä’ä omum pe umilyä ral lu…

I see three nouns, including the pronoun "I", but the sentence looks like it's just a literal translation of enlish "I do not know what the dream meaning is".  From my poor understanding it seems like Oe should be Oel because it is what is not understanding, but the rest seems like it forms a compound structure which is not addressed by the explanation of grammar and is far beyond the little bit I think I understand.

It also bothers me that ral is a noun there, because that is not the part of the sentence that is seems like "meaning" should be in that context.  Maybe if it was phrased more as a question Oel rä’ä omum unilyäti peral lu.  However that's probably grammatically completely wrong, just giving an example of an alternate way to phrase such a sentence to convey the same meaning.

Edit: Come to think of it, ral is odd as a noun to begin with, because it ends in l.  Would it become ral-l as the object of a sentence?  How would that even be pronounced?  Maybe it's possible that the vocabulary just has the part of speech wrong, or the noun is really ra and what's in the dictionary is really the word with the -l suffix already?  I would love to see some reference for the context of where words are used.
« Last Edit: December 21, 2009, 08:44:18 pm by Tiger »
Ftxey lu nga tokx ftxey lu nga tirea? Lu oe tìkeftxo.
Listen to my Na'vi Lessons podcast!

Offline Fortuna

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #9 on: December 21, 2009, 08:37:18 pm »
Irayo ma Tiger!

I figured, this was my chance to be the first person to write a story in Na'vi. Better do it before someone else does >.>

You're probably right, I'll certainly look into it.  Thanks so much for the critique!

Offline Karyu Amawey

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #10 on: December 21, 2009, 08:51:20 pm »
The grammar looks pretty good!  Nice job!
Oel ayngati kameie

Offline Neytiri

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #11 on: December 21, 2009, 09:50:15 pm »
 :o omg your really good at this!

Offline Nume fpi sänume

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #12 on: December 22, 2009, 12:24:03 am »
Irayo, ma Karyu Amawey,

I was having trouble figuring out the correct use there, but seeing your corrections, it makes a bit more sense now. Hopefully your writings will inspire others to try to write as well, and its not nearly as hard as i thought it would be. As a bonus, i learned a few new words and i now understand how to better write.

Irayo nìmun!
Thank you again!

Offline Fortuna

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #13 on: December 22, 2009, 11:35:02 am »
omegaorb- I certainly hope that others will decide to try their hands at writing narritives. That's how I learn best- by diving into something head on xD
Neytiri and Karyu Amawey- Irayo!  It was certainly a challenge, but a fun one!

Offline Uniltìranyu

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #14 on: December 22, 2009, 06:59:45 pm »
Mì unilyä

Mì unilyä oe ka atxkxe ne na’rìng kolä.  Na’rìng swotu lu, na’rìng hu tìrey lolu.  Oe hu fnu tìran, krrpe ean atan tolse’a. Sìltsan-a sì swoka-a aungia lam lolu.  Tsakrr tsamsiyu oe tolse’a.  Poe sevin lolu.  “Nari si! Aysawtutel Na’viti ‘ayeko. Na’vil Na’viti hawnu zene.”    Poe pollltxe.  Tskarr poe neto kolä.  Tskarr…oe txolen.

Oe rä’ä omum pe umilyä ral lu…

[[translation]
In my dream I went through the land to the forest.  The forest was a sacred place, the forest was with life. I walk with silence, when I saw a blue light.  Good and sacred was this omen.  Then I saw a warrior.  She was beautiful.  "Be careful!  The sky people will attack the Na'vi.  The Na'vi must protect the Na'vi."  She said.  Then she went away. Then...I awakened.]

Please correct me!
I see that you also used 'lu' in the final position of a phrase/sentence -something I have been doing as well. I think this should be a rule of sorts. :) [edit] I retract this final sentence.

I see that you used the Aspect marker '-ol-' to mark prefect (past) aspect, I think that it would have worked better to use '-ìm-' (prefect tense) instead. Just my opinion.

I am also working on a narrative in Na'vi...
« Last Edit: December 22, 2009, 07:11:25 pm by kemp.samurai »
Eywa ayngahu, frapo nìNa'vi paylltxeie...
May Eywa be with you, all Na'vi speakers.

Offline omängum fra'uti

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #15 on: December 22, 2009, 07:01:50 pm »
It most definitely should not be a rule!  Because Na'vi isn't supposed to have many strict word order rules.  I tend to go for the end, but depending on what concept I want to stress I'll move words around.
Ftxey lu nga tokx ftxey lu nga tirea? Lu oe tìkeftxo.
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Offline Uniltìranyu

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #16 on: December 22, 2009, 07:04:23 pm »
Okay... got it.
Eywa ayngahu, frapo nìNa'vi paylltxeie...
May Eywa be with you, all Na'vi speakers.

Offline Tirealì'u

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #17 on: December 22, 2009, 09:31:43 pm »
We have a poetry thread, so I'm going to pretend this is a 'story'ish thread! :-)

Something quick, that I highly doubt is perfectly correct:

Hufwe-ti 'ampi. Hufwe-ti nga-ru fyawintxu lu. Tung hufwe-l nga-ru ne nga-yä fya'o eyk. Nga-l na'rìng-yä txe'lan-ti k<ay>ame. Fi'u hufwe-yä fya'o tiran, ulte nga-l Eywa-ti k<ay>ame. Tung fi'u äie-l nga-ti mungem, ulte nga-l nga-ti k<ay>ame.


Touch the wind. The wind is your guide. Allow the wind to lead you to your path. See the heart of the forest. Walk this path of the wind, and you will see Eywa. Let this vision take you, and you will see yourself.
« Last Edit: December 22, 2009, 11:28:13 pm by Tirealì'u »

Offline Uniltìranyu

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #18 on: December 22, 2009, 09:32:51 pm »
We have a poetry thread, so I'm going to pretend this is a 'story'ish thread! :-)

Something quick, that I highly doubt is perfectly correct:

Hufweti 'ampi. Hufweti ngaru fyawintxu lu. Tung hufwel ngaru ne ngayä fya'o eyk. Ngal na'rìngyä txe'lanti kayame. Fi'u hufweyä fya'o tiran, ulte ngal Eywati kayame. Tung fi'u äiel ngati mungem, ulte ngal ngati kayame.


Touch the wind. The wind is your guide. Allow the wind to lead you to your path. See the heart of the forest. Walk this path of the wind, and you will see Eywa. Let this vision take you, and you will see yourself.
I like it! although I think you may have some of the words wrong... like Hufweti (hufwe + abstract marker -ti?) based on the info I have, this should be tihufwe, but again, freedom of expression here says that we can have it both ways...
« Last Edit: December 22, 2009, 09:37:38 pm by Uniltìranyu »
Eywa ayngahu, frapo nìNa'vi paylltxeie...
May Eywa be with you, all Na'vi speakers.

Offline Uniltìranyu

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Re: My first short story in Na'vi
« Reply #19 on: December 22, 2009, 09:57:44 pm »
My turn. I spent like a day or so on it.

Oe-l ne z<ol>a’u Na’vi ftu ay-tawtute. “Oe tsengpe lu?” s<ol>-sì Oe. Trr-l s<ìm>lu txon-ti; Oe le-txopu lolu.
T<ol>ran mì na’rìng Oe. Oe ne z<oläng>u aw-nantang. Oe le-txopu lolu.  
‘Awpo ftu na’rìng z<ol>a’u. Po tspoleiang nantang. “ke-le-txopu lu. Na’vi-l na’vi-ti hawnu zene.” S<ol>-sì po.

Translation (words in [] brackets denotes words not in original due to lack of Articles, words in () denotes commentary):

I came to [the] Na’vi from [the] Skypeople. “Where am I?” I said. [It] became night, I was afraid.
I walked in [the] forest. I came to [a] Viperwolf (neg-attitude). I was afraid. A person came from [the] forest. They (<- 2nd person gender-neutral PN) killed [the] Viperwolf. "Be not afraid. Na'vi must protect Na'vi." they said.

Constructive criticism is requested.

[edit]
Due to help received in a later post, changes are in blue.
« Last Edit: December 23, 2009, 10:19:28 am by Uniltìranyu »
Eywa ayngahu, frapo nìNa'vi paylltxeie...
May Eywa be with you, all Na'vi speakers.

 

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