Author Topic: Burning Sky - A Poem About The Destruction of Hometree  (Read 1245 times)

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Offline Eana Ketuwong

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Burning Sky - A Poem About The Destruction of Hometree
« on: May 30, 2011, 12:09:43 am »
Please, correct my horrible grammar if I'm wrong. Would be much appreciated!

Nìmwey fìtseng, kea pam mungwrr me(')veng.
Slä ye'rìn maw, taw lu wok.
Aysawtute(l) za'u tspang ayoeng(it).
Teye kxenerìl (Excuse me if I am wrong there.) teya si(?) ayoengyä(ti) (ay)tsopi(ru).
Ayoeng tul. Ayoeng wan.
Ausawtute ska'a. Ayfol ska'a Kelutalit sì ayoengur. (?!)
Eywa tsngayvìk (??!!!!) fìtrr.
Ayoeng 'eko. Ayoeng 'eko aysawtute.
Slä Kelutral tsun kllkxem kehe/kea nì'ul.
Poe zup nekll. Poe tspang pxay.
'Uo(l) tsa hawnu ayoeng...tspamang ayoeng. (Spelling?)



i will add more to that in the morning. I highly doubt i wrote that even slightly well...Oe lu ngaytxoa!
« Last Edit: May 31, 2011, 09:32:31 pm by Eana Ketuwong »
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Offline Blue Elf

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Re: Burning Sky - A Poem About The Destruction of Hometree
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2011, 01:41:31 am »
Corrections depends on what you wanted to say  :) - I'm not sure if I understood everything well.

My attempt:
Fra'u fnu fìtseng, kea pam mungwrr meveng. (Everything is quiet here, no sound except 2 children. [I feel it is not correct])
Slä ye’krr fko tsun stivawm woka pamot tawftu (But early one can hear a loud sound from the sky)
Sawtute zola'u fte tspivang ayoengat. (Skypeople came to kill us)

Teyra kxener teya si ayoengeyä (ay)sopìru (White smoke fills up our lungs)
Ayoeng terul. Ayoeng wäperan. (We are running. We are hidding)
Sawtutel ska'a fra'ut. Ayfol ska'a Kelutalit sì ayoengat. (Skypeople destroy everything. They destroy Home tree and us)
Eywa tsngawvängìk fìtrr. (Eywa is crying today (with negative mood))

I'm afraid I'm not error free, but others correct both of us. Do not afraid of mistakes, nobody is perfect (and it is hard to be good in Na'vi).
Your text is not bad, we are awaiting next part. Keep writing, this is good place for training :)
« Last Edit: May 30, 2011, 02:34:42 pm by Blue Elf »
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Offline Puvomun

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Re: Burning Sky - A Poem About The Destruction of Hometree
« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2011, 01:58:20 am »
Ayoeng terul. Ayoeng wäperan. (We are running. We are hidding)
As this is a poem, I would keep to the original, but you are right about <äp>.

Ayoeng tul. Ayoeng wäpan. We run. We hide (ourselves).

Quote from: Eana Ketuwong
Sawtutel ska'a fra'ut. Ayfol ska'a Kelutralit sì ayoengit
An 'r' missing in KelutRalit, and you could omit the <ay> with ayfol, it would make the sentence flow a little better, in my opinion.

Very nice poem. :)
Krr a lì'fya lam sraw, may' frivìp utralit.

Ngopyu ayvurä.

Offline Blue Elf

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Re: Burning Sky - A Poem About The Destruction of Hometree
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2011, 02:55:16 am »
Wapän is necessary as wan itself is transitive and requires direct object.
Thanks for finding missing 'r' - I did copy'n'paste from original a didn't notice that. Well, auto-correcting filter started to work for me too ;D
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Offline Puvomun

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Re: Burning Sky - A Poem About The Destruction of Hometree
« Reply #4 on: May 30, 2011, 04:21:09 am »
Wapän is necessary as wan itself is transitive and requires direct object.
Thanks for finding missing 'r' - I did copy'n'paste from original a didn't notice that. Well, auto-correcting filter started to work for me too ;D

Yes, the äp is needed. I would just, as it is a poem, leave away the <er> in the verbs. :)
We help each other. Ayoeng srung säpi (?  looks wrong).
Krr a lì'fya lam sraw, may' frivìp utralit.

Ngopyu ayvurä.

Offline Blue Elf

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Re: Burning Sky - A Poem About The Destruction of Hometree
« Reply #5 on: May 30, 2011, 04:42:11 am »
Srung säpi should be "help myself", I think. We do not have phrase for "each other" yet - I met this problem more times here, but no solution exists for now
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Offline Puvomun

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Re: Burning Sky - A Poem About The Destruction of Hometree
« Reply #6 on: May 30, 2011, 05:51:25 am »
Srung säpi should be "help myself", I think. We do not have phrase for "each other" yet - I met this problem more times here, but no solution exists for now
Ah, so I am not the only one (of course not).

Ayoeng srung si ayoengur perhaps comes closest then.
Or, to make it sound better: Ayoeng ayoengur srung si. We help us. It sounds a bit awkward though.
Krr a lì'fya lam sraw, may' frivìp utralit.

Ngopyu ayvurä.

Offline Sireayä mokri

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Re: Burning Sky - A Poem About The Destruction of Hometree
« Reply #7 on: May 30, 2011, 09:30:20 am »
Blue Elf's version seems correct (only one thing to correct: ayoengat, not ayoengit), although it'd be best to compare it to the English text.

Ayoeng srung si ayoengur perhaps comes closest then.
Or, to make it sound better: Ayoeng ayoengur srung si. We help us. It sounds a bit awkward though.

It would be same as ayoeng srung säpiwe help ourselves.
When the mirror speaks, the reflection lies.

Offline Eana Ketuwong

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Re: Burning Sky - A Poem About The Destruction of Hometree
« Reply #8 on: May 30, 2011, 11:23:42 am »
Wow, irayo all of you. See? I said my grammar is iffy! But thank you for the help, it is all greatly appreciated.
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Offline Kamean

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Re: Burning Sky - A Poem About The Destruction of Hometree
« Reply #9 on: May 30, 2011, 02:08:38 pm »
Great work. :)
Tse'a ngal ke'ut a krr fra'uti kame.


Offline Eana Ketuwong

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Offline Eana Ketuwong

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Re: Burning Sky - A Poem About The Destruction of Hometree
« Reply #11 on: May 31, 2011, 09:35:02 pm »
I have added more to the poem; I also made an error at the end: instead of ayoeng, I meant to put ayoengit. Unless use of the "-it" is wrong.
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Offline Alyara Arati

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Re: Burning Sky - A Poem About The Destruction of Hometree
« Reply #12 on: May 31, 2011, 11:51:08 pm »
Please, correct my horrible grammar if I'm wrong. Would be much appreciated!

Ayoeng 'eko. Ayoengal 'eko aysawtutet.
Slä Kelutral ke tsun kivllkxem kehe/kea nì'ul.
Poe zup nekll. Poe tspang pxaya noun(sute, ayoengeyä,?).
'Uo(l) tsa hamawnu ayoengit...tspamang ayoengit. (Spelling?)

i will add more to that in the morning. I highly doubt i wrote that even slightly well...Oe lu ngaytxoa!

You express yourself very well.  I'm pleased for you!  I hope my corrections are as good. :P
Learn how to see.  Realize that everything connects to everything else.
~ Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Blue Elf

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Re: Burning Sky - A Poem About The Destruction of Hometree
« Reply #13 on: June 01, 2011, 01:20:03 am »
Your correction appears to me mostly as good. I'd just only use po in the third line instead poe, as home tree isn't woman :) and ayoengat(i), not ayoengit (pronouns ending with -ng in fact ends with -nga, which must appear with case ending)
And maybe ayoe should be used everywhere instead of ayoeng, otherwise listener is also part of the story (and can be killed too, but in such case he could listen to this. This explanation is probably overconstructed :) but I'd use ayoe)
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Offline Sireayä mokri

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Re: Burning Sky - A Poem About The Destruction of Hometree
« Reply #14 on: June 01, 2011, 08:15:54 am »
Infix positions for kllkxem are 22 (i.e. kllkx<0,1,2>em). Apart from that (and ayoengat, which has been noted by tsm. Blue Elf), your correction is fine, ma Alyara.
When the mirror speaks, the reflection lies.

Offline Blue Elf

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Re: Burning Sky - A Poem About The Destruction of Hometree
« Reply #15 on: June 01, 2011, 08:25:59 am »
Infix positions for kllkxem are 22 (i.e. kllkx<0,1,2>em). Apart from that (and ayoengat, which has been noted by tsm. Blue Elf), your correction is fine, ma Alyara.
Can you explain what 22 mean, ma Sireayä mokri? I saw this notation more times, but don't know how to interpret it. Irayo.
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Offline Sireayä mokri

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Re: Burning Sky - A Poem About The Destruction of Hometree
« Reply #16 on: June 01, 2011, 09:12:26 am »
It's a simple system that Pawl uses often, instead of the "floating dot" (like in the dictionary). It works this way: we know that there are three infix positions, but the "pre-first" is always follow by the "first". So the first number indicates the pre-first and first position infixes, the second number is for the second position infixes. The numbers themselves represent a syllable that gets an infix. So, for example "12" means that pre-first and first position infixes go into the first syllable, whereas second position infixes go into the second syllable. "11" means that all of them go into the first syllable, "22" — into the second syllable.
When the mirror speaks, the reflection lies.

Offline Eana Ketuwong

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Re: Burning Sky - A Poem About The Destruction of Hometree
« Reply #17 on: June 01, 2011, 10:43:33 am »
Your correction appears to me mostly as good. I'd just only use po in the third line instead poe, as home tree isn't woman :)

Hrh, I portrayed Hometree as a female, like "She is our home," or "She's the one who has sheltered us for all our lives,"
Tumbling hard until 3 AM on a Wednesday night

 

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