Pamrel ta Toliman

Started by Toliman, May 29, 2015, 03:38:35 PM

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Toliman

This is my first try about poem nìNa'vi. Probably is not excellent and is with many mistakes, but this is only my first try...
So my poem is named Txewlukea aysawä tìrol - Beauty of endless skies (=the universe).

Txewlukea aysawä tìlor
(Ta Toliman)

Tengkrr tsawke nìk'ong kllkä.
Ayayo sngä'i rivol tìrolit txon'ongä.
Nìlor pxayopina txong'ongmaw
Txon li za'u ulte oel nìn txonä tawit.

Vawma taw hu nìpxay sanhì
Sì nì'ingyenga' narlora kilvan tawä.
Kilvan tawä, atanä payfya akosman
Hu txanatana ayfìwopx sanhìyä.

Kxamlä sä'o fte sanhìt tsive'a
Oel tse'a kifkeyt akosman.
Narlora aysnatanhìtsyìp
Sì ingyenga'a ayfìwopxtsyìp

Oel tse'a alìma aysponot sanhìyä
Ulte tse'a txewlukea kifkeyt.
Oel tse'a atanit li keruseya sanhìyä
Ulte tse'a txukxa 'okrolit.


Explanation of some words:


Translation (for sure):

Vawmataw

Txantsana tìkangkem ma Toliman!

QuoteVawma taw hu nìpxay sanhì
Ma oeyä Eywa! Oe lu mì ngeyä pamrel! :o :D :P ;D
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Toliman

Quote from: Vawmataw on May 29, 2015, 04:06:05 PM
Txantsana tìkangkem ma Toliman!
Irayo ma Vawmataw  :)

Quote from: Vawmataw on May 29, 2015, 04:06:05 PM
QuoteVawma taw hu nìpxay sanhì
Ma oeyä Eywa! Oe lu mì ngeyä pamrel! :o :D :P ;D
When your nickname is also Dark Sky ...  ;D ;D ;D

Tirea Aean

This is actually quite awesome! :D

Tìtstewan

Quote from: Tirea Aean on May 29, 2015, 08:43:28 PM
This is actually quite awesome! :D
Fì'u nìwotx!
+1 ma Toliman :)

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Toliman

Irayo ma frapo!  :)

Little supplement:


Vawmataw

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Blue Elf

Txantsan, ma Toliman! Nìngay ngal ngolop lora wayit a plltxe ulte fìtsenge slu rusey nì'ul.

But, it wouldn't be me to not nitpick a little ;D
On second line of first post you wrote
QuoteSo my poem is named Txewlukea aysawä tìrol
what confused me a little when I saw the translation, however this name small typo is also good - just consider to write another text :)

Ayyayo is written with doubled y - in speech they contract into one, of course, but written form not. It is some exception, as vowels elide to one even in written form (but exceptions exist here too :), for example with -o suffix). It is because *ayayo looks like adjective and not plural of noun

QuoteVawma taw hu nìpxay sanhì
Nìpxay is adverb not adjective, so correct version would be Vawma taw hu pxaya tanhì

QuoteOel tse'a alìma aysponot sanhìyä
Alìm is also adverb, and adjective is missing, however we can say: Oel tse'a lìm a aysponot sanhìyä (I see islands of stars which are far) - and fortunately it does not ruin rhyme.

I hope you get my notes as positive, because your work is really good. Hope we get more from you!
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Toliman

#9
Irayo ma Blue Elf  :)

Yes, tìlor x tìrol - it was only small typo  ;D
And about other notes, you are right. Thank you for correction.
(second item even now sounds (for me) little better)  :)

So there is corrected version.

Txewlukea aysawä tìlor
(Ta Toliman)

Tengkrr tsawke nìk'ong kllkä.
Ayyayo sngä'i rivol tìrolit txon'ongä.
Nìlor pxayopina txong'ongmaw
Txon li za'u ulte oel nìn txonä tawit.

Vawma taw hu pxaya tanhì
Sì nì'ingyenga' narlora kilvan tawä.
Kilvan tawä, atanä payfya akosman
Hu txanatana ayfìwopx sanhìyä.

Kxamlä sä'o fte sanhìt tsive'a
Oel tse'a kifkeyt akosman.
Narlora aysnatanhìtsyìp
Sì ingyenga'a ayfìwopxtsyìp

Oel tse'a lìm a aysponot sanhìyä
Ulte tse'a txewlukea kifkeyt.
Oel tse'a atanit li keruseya sanhìyä
Ulte tse'a txukxa 'okrolit.

-----------------

And I really plan to write next poems  :)

Toliman

#10
My second poem is called Atakama ukxoa tsenge - Atacama Desert. I wrote this in memory on my astro-trips to this desert in northern Chile (this place has a unique condition for stargazing).

Atakama ukxoa tsenge
(Ta Toliman)

Atakama ukxoa tsenge
Nìtxan ngäzìka tsenge tìreyfpi
Slä fìtsenge slu lora tsengne
Krra trr 'i'u ulte txon za'u

Oel tse'a kllkusä tsawket
Txong'ongmaw li za'u
Oel tse'a 'awnea sanhìt
Vawma txon li za'u

Kosmana kilvan tawä
Hu sanhìyä ayfìwopx
Inyenga'a pìwopx atanä
Tsruse'i meypa ayukit

Oel tse'a Na'viyä tanhìt
Txanatana tanhì ro hilvan tawä
Oel tse'a lìm a Na'viyä kifkeyt
Kifkey oeyä ayunilä


Explanation of some words

Translation

Toliman

And there is version with background:


Tìtstewan

Quote from: Toliman on June 02, 2015, 02:25:51 PM
Atakama ukxoa tsenge
(Ta Toliman)

Atakama ukxoa tsenge
Nìtxan ngäzìka tsenge tìreyfpi
Slä fìtsenge slu lora tsengne
Krra trr 'i'ua ulte txon za'u

Oel tse'a kllkusä tsawket
Txong'ongmaw li za'u
Oel tse'a 'awnvea sanhìt
Vawma txon li za'u

Kosmana kilvan tawä
Hu sanhìyä ayfìwopx
Ingyenga'a pìwopxìl atanä
Tsruse'i meypa ayukit

Oel tse'a Na'viyä tanhìt
Txanatana tanhì ro hilvan tawä
Oel tse'a lìm a Na'viyä kifkeyt
Kifkey oeyä ayunilä

Lora way a plltxe! :D

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Vawmataw

I like it, and you find really nice images!
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Toliman

#14
Irayo ma frapo  :)
Thank you ma Tìtstewan for correction. I will correct text in pictutres.

I am glad that you like my poems  :)

Blue Elf

Quote from: Tìtstewan on June 03, 2015, 01:46:16 PM
Quote from: Toliman on June 02, 2015, 02:25:51 PM
Atakama ukxoa tsenge
(Ta Toliman)

Atakama ukxoa tsenge
Nìtxan ngäzìka tsenge tìreyfpi
Slä fìtsenge slu lora tsengne
Krra trr 'i'ua ulte txon za'u

Oel tse'a kllkusä tsawket
Txong'ongmaw li za'u
Oel tse'a 'awnvea sanhìt
Vawma txon li za'u

Kosmana kilvan tawä
Hu sanhìyä ayfìwopx
Ingyenga'a pìwopxìl atanä
Tsruse'i meypa ayukit

Oel tse'a Na'viyä tanhìt
Txanatana tanhì ro hilvan tawä
Oel tse'a lìm a Na'viyä kifkeyt
Kifkey oeyä ayunilä
Lora way, nìngay :)
But, I'm afraid more corrections is needed:
As for title, I would use ukxoa tsenge alu Atakama (dessert, by other words Atacama. BTW were you there really? It's not like walk to Kokořín :))

Slä fìtsenge slu lora tsengne - ne is used only in ambiguous constructions, I think we can live without it here

Oel tse'a kllkusäa tsawket - <us> creates adjective, so -a- is needed. Question is whether äa contracts to single vowel or not. But as we have Omatikayaä, I think it doesn't.
QuoteIngyenga'a pìwopxìl atanä
Tsruse'i meypa ayukit

Mysterious cloud of light
Throwing weak shadows
This can't work, not in English either. Again, <us> turns verb into adjective, so this part is completely missing any verb. But one small change puts all back to path:
Quote from: fixedIngyenga'a pìwopxìl atanä
Tsrere'i meypa ayukit

Mysterious cloud of light
Is throwing weak shadows
And in last line you probably should add patientive, as it is continuation of previous line (you repeat object again)
Kifkeyt oeyä ayunilä

Well, it is not easy to be Na'vi poet. I know :)
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Toliman

#16
Thank you for correction ma Blue Elf :)

QuoteAs for title, I would use ukxoa tsenge alu Atakama (dessert, by other words Atacama. BTW were you there really? It's not like walk to Kokořín Smiley)
Yes, I was there with my several friends (also amateur astronomers). We were concretely in San Pedro de Atacama. It is little town on north edge of this desert. This little town is very favourite destination for astro-tourists, who want observe southern night sky.

QuoteWell, it is not easy to be Na'vi poet. I know  :)
Yes, write poems in Na'vi is not easy, but it is fun.  :)

Toliman

My next poem is about my favourite constellation – Orion. This constellation represents hunter from Greek mythology. Therefore this poem is named Taronyu tawä - The celestial hunter.
I am not sure with grammar of some expressions so all comments are welcome.

Taronyu tawä
(Ta Toliman)

Tawä taronyu tìran ka txonä taw
Kinäa tanhì a lu txanatan
Krrka ayton atxawew
Io hertxayo a lu hoet

Tsawla snatanhì a lu narlor
Hu ingyenga'a yeyfya pxeya tanhìyä
Kxamlä sä'o fte sanhìt tsive'a
Oel tse'a kosmana kifkeyt sanhìyä

Oel tse'a Taronyuä pìwopxtsyìp
Narlora pìwopxtsyìp atanä
Ingyenga'a tseng a lu kosman
Tsenga 'ongokx mipa sanhì

Eana tanhì ta taronyuä kinam
Oel tse'a 'ewan tanhìt a lu txanatan
Tuna tanhì ta taronyuä 'etnaw
Oel tse'a kxawm li keruseya tanhìt

Explanation of some worlds:

Translation





Tìtstewan

Txantsana way a pìwopxtsyìpteri alu Orion! :D

Kxeyeytsyìpit oel tse'a:
Quote from: Toliman on June 26, 2015, 02:05:04 PM
Oel tse'a Taronyuä pìwopxtsyìpit

Kxawm, nga tsun pamrel sivi teri pìwopxtsyìp yayoä, kefyak? :)

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Toliman

Irayo ma Tìtstewan!  :)

Quote from: Tìtstewan on June 26, 2015, 02:39:44 PM
Kxawm, nga tsun pamrel sivi teri pìwopxtsyìp yayoä, kefyak? :)
Hmmm ...  Fìsäfpìl lu siltsan , pìwopxtsyìp yayoä lu nìteng narlora pìwopxtsyìp  :)