Author Topic: Pamrel ta Toliman  (Read 20183 times)

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Offline Toliman

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Pamrel ta Toliman
« on: May 29, 2015, 03:38:35 pm »
This is my first try about poem nìNa'vi. Probably is not excellent and is with many mistakes, but this is only my first try…
So my poem is named Txewlukea aysawä tìrol - Beauty of endless skies (=the universe).

Txewlukea aysawä tìlor
(Ta Toliman)

Tengkrr tsawke nìk'ong kllkä.
Ayayo sngä'i rivol tìrolit txon'ongä.
Nìlor pxayopina txong'ongmaw
Txon li za'u ulte oel nìn txonä tawit.

Vawma taw hu nìpxay sanhì
Sì nì'ingyenga' narlora kilvan tawä.
Kilvan tawä, atanä payfya akosman
Hu txanatana ayfìwopx sanhìyä.

Kxamlä sä'o fte sanhìt tsive'a
Oel tse'a kifkeyt akosman.
Narlora aysnatanhìtsyìp
Sì ingyenga'a ayfìwopxtsyìp

Oel tse'a alìma aysponot sanhìyä
Ulte tse'a txewlukea kifkeyt.
Oel tse'a atanit li keruseya sanhìyä
Ulte tse'a txukxa 'okrolit.


Explanation of some words:


Translation (for sure):
« Last Edit: May 30, 2015, 06:14:16 am by Toliman »

Offline Vawmataw

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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #1 on: May 29, 2015, 04:06:05 pm »
Txantsana tìkangkem ma Toliman!

Quote
Vawma taw hu nìpxay sanhì
Ma oeyä Eywa! Oe lu mì ngeyä pamrel! :o :D :P ;D
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Offline Toliman

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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #2 on: May 29, 2015, 04:12:16 pm »
Txantsana tìkangkem ma Toliman!
Irayo ma Vawmataw  :)

Quote
Vawma taw hu nìpxay sanhì
Ma oeyä Eywa! Oe lu mì ngeyä pamrel! :o :D :P ;D
When your nickname is also Dark Sky ...  ;D ;D ;D

Offline Tirea Aean

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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #3 on: May 29, 2015, 08:43:28 pm »
This is actually quite awesome! :D

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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #4 on: May 30, 2015, 03:08:22 am »
This is actually quite awesome! :D
Fì'u nìwotx!
+1 ma Toliman :)

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Offline Toliman

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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #5 on: May 30, 2015, 08:09:05 am »
Irayo ma frapo!  :)

Little supplement:


Offline Vawmataw

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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #6 on: May 30, 2015, 08:17:27 am »
I love the background!
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Offline Hahaw[hhvhhvcz]

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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #7 on: May 30, 2015, 09:26:22 am »
It looks very nice ! :D
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Offline Blue Elf

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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #8 on: May 30, 2015, 01:41:33 pm »
Txantsan, ma Toliman! Nìngay ngal ngolop lora wayit a plltxe ulte fìtsenge slu rusey nì'ul.

But, it wouldn't be me to not nitpick a little ;D
On second line of first post you wrote
Quote
So my poem is named Txewlukea aysawä tìrol
what confused me a little when I saw the translation, however this name small typo is also good - just consider to write another text :)

Ayyayo is written with doubled y - in speech they contract into one, of course, but written form not. It is some exception, as vowels elide to one even in written form (but exceptions exist here too :), for example with -o suffix). It is because *ayayo looks like adjective and not plural of noun

Quote
Vawma taw hu nìpxay sanhì
Nìpxay is adverb not adjective, so correct version would be Vawma taw hu pxaya tanhì

Quote
Oel tse'a alìma aysponot sanhìyä
Alìm is also adverb, and adjective is missing, however we can say: Oel tse'a lìm a aysponot sanhìyä (I see islands of stars which are far) - and fortunately it does not ruin rhyme.

I hope you get my notes as positive, because your work is really good. Hope we get more from you!
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Offline Toliman

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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #9 on: May 30, 2015, 02:14:04 pm »
Irayo ma Blue Elf  :)

Yes, tìlor x tìrol - it was only small typo  ;D
And about other notes, you are right. Thank you for correction.
(second item even now sounds (for me) little better)  :)

So there is corrected version.

Txewlukea aysawä tìlor
(Ta Toliman)

Tengkrr tsawke nìk'ong kllkä.
Ayyayo sngä'i rivol tìrolit txon'ongä.
Nìlor pxayopina txong'ongmaw
Txon li za'u ulte oel nìn txonä tawit.

Vawma taw hu pxaya tanhì
Sì nì'ingyenga' narlora kilvan tawä.
Kilvan tawä, atanä payfya akosman
Hu txanatana ayfìwopx sanhìyä.

Kxamlä sä'o fte sanhìt tsive'a
Oel tse'a kifkeyt akosman.
Narlora aysnatanhìtsyìp
Sì ingyenga'a ayfìwopxtsyìp

Oel tse'a lìm a aysponot sanhìyä
Ulte tse'a txewlukea kifkeyt.
Oel tse'a atanit li keruseya sanhìyä
Ulte tse'a txukxa 'okrolit.

-----------------

And I really plan to write next poems  :)
« Last Edit: May 30, 2015, 08:29:20 pm by Toliman »

Offline Toliman

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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #10 on: June 02, 2015, 02:25:51 pm »
My second poem is called Atakama ukxoa tsenge - Atacama Desert. I wrote this in memory on my astro-trips to this desert in northern Chile (this place has a unique condition for stargazing).

Atakama ukxoa tsenge
(Ta Toliman)

Atakama ukxoa tsenge
Nìtxan ngäzìka tsenge tìreyfpi
Slä fìtsenge slu lora tsengne
Krra trr 'i'u ulte txon za'u

Oel tse'a kllkusä tsawket
Txong'ongmaw li za'u
Oel tse'a 'awnea sanhìt
Vawma txon li za’u

Kosmana kilvan tawä
Hu sanhìyä ayfìwopx
Inyenga'a pìwopx atanä
Tsruse'i meypa ayukit

Oel tse'a Na'viyä tanhìt
Txanatana tanhì ro hilvan tawä
Oel tse'a lìm a Na'viyä kifkeyt
Kifkey oeyä ayunilä


Explanation of some words

Translation
« Last Edit: June 02, 2015, 04:13:25 pm by Toliman »

Offline Toliman

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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #11 on: June 02, 2015, 05:41:55 pm »
And there is version with background:


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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #12 on: June 03, 2015, 01:46:16 pm »
Atakama ukxoa tsenge
(Ta Toliman)

Atakama ukxoa tsenge
Nìtxan ngäzìka tsenge tìreyfpi
Slä fìtsenge slu lora tsengne
Krra trr 'i'ua ulte txon za'u

Oel tse'a kllkusä tsawket
Txong'ongmaw li za'u
Oel tse'a 'awnvea sanhìt
Vawma txon li za’u

Kosmana kilvan tawä
Hu sanhìyä ayfìwopx
Ingyenga'a pìwopxìl atanä
Tsruse'i meypa ayukit

Oel tse'a Na'viyä tanhìt
Txanatana tanhì ro hilvan tawä
Oel tse'a lìm a Na'viyä kifkeyt
Kifkey oeyä ayunilä

Lora way a plltxe! :D

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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #13 on: June 03, 2015, 05:00:33 pm »
I like it, and you find really nice images!
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Offline Toliman

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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #14 on: June 03, 2015, 05:48:10 pm »
Irayo ma frapo  :)
Thank you ma Tìtstewan for correction. I will correct text in pictutres.

I am glad that you like my poems  :)
« Last Edit: June 03, 2015, 05:55:30 pm by Toliman »

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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #15 on: June 04, 2015, 01:59:06 pm »
Atakama ukxoa tsenge
(Ta Toliman)

Atakama ukxoa tsenge
Nìtxan ngäzìka tsenge tìreyfpi
Slä fìtsenge slu lora tsengne
Krra trr 'i'ua ulte txon za'u

Oel tse'a kllkusä tsawket
Txong'ongmaw li za'u
Oel tse'a 'awnvea sanhìt
Vawma txon li za’u

Kosmana kilvan tawä
Hu sanhìyä ayfìwopx
Ingyenga'a pìwopxìl atanä
Tsruse'i meypa ayukit

Oel tse'a Na'viyä tanhìt
Txanatana tanhì ro hilvan tawä
Oel tse'a lìm a Na'viyä kifkeyt
Kifkey oeyä ayunilä
Lora way, nìngay :)
But, I'm afraid more corrections is needed:
As for title, I would use ukxoa tsenge alu Atakama (dessert, by other words Atacama. BTW were you there really? It's not like walk to Kokořín :))

Slä fìtsenge slu lora tsengne - ne is used only in ambiguous constructions, I think we can live without it here

Oel tse'a kllkusäa tsawket - <us> creates adjective, so -a- is needed. Question is whether äa contracts to single vowel or not. But as we have Omatikayaä, I think it doesn't.
Quote
Ingyenga'a pìwopxìl atanä
Tsruse'i meypa ayukit

Mysterious cloud of light
Throwing weak shadows
This can't work, not in English either. Again, <us> turns verb into adjective, so this part is completely missing any verb. But one small change puts all back to path:
Quote from: fixed
Ingyenga'a pìwopxìl atanä
Tsrere'i meypa ayukit

Mysterious cloud of light
Is throwing weak shadows
And in last line you probably should add patientive, as it is continuation of previous line (you repeat object again)
Kifkeyt oeyä ayunilä

Well, it is not easy to be Na'vi poet. I know :)
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Offline Toliman

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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #16 on: June 04, 2015, 02:57:56 pm »
Thank you for correction ma Blue Elf :)

Quote
As for title, I would use ukxoa tsenge alu Atakama (dessert, by other words Atacama. BTW were you there really? It's not like walk to Kokořín Smiley)
Yes, I was there with my several friends (also amateur astronomers). We were concretely in San Pedro de Atacama. It is little town on north edge of this desert. This little town is very favourite destination for astro-tourists, who want observe southern night sky.

Quote
Well, it is not easy to be Na'vi poet. I know  :)
Yes, write poems in Na'vi is not easy, but it is fun.  :)
« Last Edit: June 04, 2015, 03:12:42 pm by Toliman »

Offline Toliman

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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #17 on: June 26, 2015, 02:05:04 pm »
My next poem is about my favourite constellation – Orion. This constellation represents hunter from Greek mythology. Therefore this poem is named Taronyu tawä - The celestial hunter.
I am not sure with grammar of some expressions so all comments are welcome.

Taronyu tawä
(Ta Toliman)

Tawä taronyu tìran ka txonä taw
Kinäa tanhì a lu txanatan
Krrka ayton atxawew
Io hertxayo a lu hoet

Tsawla snatanhì a lu narlor
Hu ingyenga'a yeyfya pxeya tanhìyä
Kxamlä sä'o fte sanhìt tsive'a
Oel tse'a kosmana kifkeyt sanhìyä

Oel tse'a Taronyuä pìwopxtsyìp
Narlora pìwopxtsyìp atanä
Ingyenga'a tseng a lu kosman
Tsenga 'ongokx mipa sanhì

Eana tanhì ta taronyuä kinam
Oel tse'a 'ewan tanhìt a lu txanatan
Tuna tanhì ta taronyuä 'etnaw
Oel tse'a kxawm li keruseya tanhìt

Explanation of some worlds:

Translation





Offline Tìtstewan

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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #18 on: June 26, 2015, 02:39:44 pm »
Txantsana way a pìwopxtsyìpteri alu Orion! :D

Kxeyeytsyìpit oel tse'a:
Oel tse'a Taronyuä pìwopxtsyìpit

Kxawm, nga tsun pamrel sivi teri pìwopxtsyìp yayoä, kefyak? :)

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Offline Toliman

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Re: Pamrel ta Toliman
« Reply #19 on: June 26, 2015, 02:59:29 pm »
Irayo ma Tìtstewan!  :)

Kxawm, nga tsun pamrel sivi teri pìwopxtsyìp yayoä, kefyak? :)
Hmmm ...  Fìsäfpìl lu siltsan , pìwopxtsyìp yayoä lu nìteng narlora pìwopxtsyìp  :)

 

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