Author Topic: Vur teri tsamsiyu alu Perseusì (Read 757 times)

Toliman · « **on:** December 11, 2016, 01:35:28 pm »

Here is translation of famous story from Greek mythology. It’s very known story about Greek hero and warrior Perseus, his fight with Medusa and saving of Andromeda.
(it's a bit longer work ... )

Characters from Greek mythology in this story:

Spoiler

Few unknown word in this work:

Spoiler

'Awlie roley 'awa atxkxemì txantura olo'eyktan alu Akrisiusì. Poru lu le'awa 'ite alu Tanei. Akrisiusì ke new fte Tanei muntxa sivi taluna po txopu sami tìsrese'aru. Tsatìsrese'a poltxe Akrisiusìru fayluta Taneiyä 'ite tspayang poti. Slä pxaya sutanìl namew Akrisiusìyä 'iteti nìtut ha Akrisiusìl samar ingyengtsyìpit. Po polltxe fayluta peyä 'ite tolerkup slä nìfkeytongay pol peyä 'iteti waman ro peyä kelku. Po spamaw futa frapol tswaya' Taneiti ulte futa tsatìsrese'a ke layen.

Slä Tanei samunu tawä olo'eyktanur alu Zeusì nìteng. Zeusì zola'u nìwan ne Tanae a lamu ro Akrisiusìyä kelku ulte meforu lolu 'awsiteng 'itan alu Perseusì. Slä Akrisiusìl amomum tsa'uti taluna pol stamawm 'ewengit alu Perseusì a tsngawvìk. Akrisiusìl pame'un futa pol tspang Taneitì sì Perseusì taluna pol zamerok tìsrese'ati. Po tstu soli meforu nemfa apxa sähena ulte pol tsrame'i tsa'uti nemfa txampay.

Ayweopxìl zolamungeti tsasähena ne spono tsenga saronyul tamaron fayoangit. Fo piak soli sähenaru ulte fo srung soli Taneiru sì Perseusru. Mefo roley mì spono ulte olo'eyktan tsasponoyä alu Politektesì namew muntxa sivi hu Tanae slä Perseusìl ke mll'an tsa'uti.

Politektesì fpìl fyape pol tsun tspivang Perseutì fpì sìkanusom Taneiyä. Po amomum futa Perseusì new kivä ne kìfkey ulte futa pumìl 'anla tstewa ayhemit a lu lehrrap. Pol kawngsar tsa'uti ulte po kxìm Perseusìru futa fko kä ne tsenge a rey pxeya 'ite alu Korkonasì. Korkonasì lamu swirä a lu txewm sì lehrrap nìtxan. Frapo slolu sutene tskxeyä txo pumìl tse'a Korkonasìyä menarit. Munea Korkonasìt kawtul ke tsamun tspivang slä tora Korkonasìt alu Metusa tuteol atstew tsamun tspivang.

Ha Politektesì polltxe Perseusìru fte pol tspìyevang Metusati ulte pumìl zìyevamunge Metusayä re'o. Perseusì sama ulte pol kamä fwew atxkxe tsenga korkonasì roley. Perseusì kamä txankrr slä pol ke tsamun rivun atxkxeti Korkonasìyä. Kawtu ke amomun tsenga atxkxe Korkonasìyä tok. Poru lamu yewla li ulte pum namew tiv slä tsìk sramer olo'eyktan tawä alu Atxena sramer eo Perseusì. Poe poltxe poru san oel tìng ngaru tawä fyawìntxuyuti alu Hermesì a wayintxu fya'oti ngaru sìk. Atxenal mamunge zeya lewit lefngap ulte poe poltxe san oel tìng fìlewit lefngap nìteng ulte nga sivar pum sko 'u rì'ìrä taluna fìfya ngal tsun nivìn Metusati nìzawnong sìk.

Atxena tsìk 'amip krra poe ftolang pivlltxe ulte tsìk tawä fyawìntxuyu alu Hermesì sramer eo Perseusì. Hermesìl mameyam Perseusìt ulte mefo yamawo. Mefo txankrr tswamayon few ayram sì aytayo sì aytampay ulte vay mefo kllpä mì hllte. Hermesì poltxe Perseusìru san fìtsenge rey pxeya tuté a lu narvä' sì koak ulte pxeforu lu le'awa nari a lu yll pxeforu. Tsasutéru lamu nìngay 'awa nari nì'aw ulte pxefol zamene zivasrìn fìtsap fte pxefo tsamun nivìn. Hermesì poltxe Perseusìru nìtut san ngal zene mivunge feyä nari le'aw ulte nga zene kxivim pxeforu fte pxefol pivllte ngaru fya'oti ne sirea na'rìngä taluna tsasireal na'rìngä tayìng ngaru 'a'awa ayuti a layu letsranten ngaru sìk.

Perseusì kamä ne feyä kelku ulte po sngä'i pivängkxo hu pxefo. Pol polawm pxefoti san rutxe pxengal tsun kiväsrìn oeru pxengeyä narit srak? Perseusì lamam mal ha pxefo mamllte. Krra Perseusìl fyep feyä narit ale'aw tsyokxro, po poltxe san set oeru lu pxengeyä le'awa nari ulte pxengal zene sliva'tsu fyaöti ne sirea na'rìngä oeru txo pxengal new pxengeyä narit nìmun. Ha pxefol zamene sliva'tsu fyaöti ne sirea na'rìngä Perseusìru ke nìprrte'.
Krra Perseusìl li amomum fya'oti ne sirea na'rìngä, po kamä ne na'rìng. Perseusìl ramun sireati na'rìngä ulte tsasireal tolìng poru hawnventi tìtswusayonfpì sì zeya sähenawit. 'Awa tìreati na'rìngä tolìng Perseusìru zeya ioit ulte poe poltxe poru san kawtu ke tsayun tsive'a krra ngal yayemstokx fìioit sìk. Hermesì poltxe Poru san seysonìltsan ma Perseusì, oel tìng ngaru apxa tstalit nìteng ulte ngal mivun'i Metusayä re'oti fa fìtstal.

Perseusìl molunge hawnventi tìtswusayonfpì ulte po tswamayon few hoeta aytayo vay pol tsame'a sute tskxeyä mì hllte. Set pol omum fwa zongtseng Korkonasì lu asim li. Perseusì nìk'ong tswamayon io Metusayä zongtseng ulte pol namìn Metusayä rì'r'it mì lew lefngap. Perseusì mamun'i Metusayä re'o krra po tsame'a futa Metusa hahaw swaw. Pol tìng Metusayä re'oti nemfa zeya sähena ulte pum tswamayon nìvin neto taluna lahea munea Korkonasì tìtxen soli. Perseusìl yamemstokx zeya ioit ulte po 'amip munea Korkonasìru ulte po tswamayon few hoeta txampay ne kelku. Ayìlva reypayä ta Metusayä re'o zolup ne txampay ulte ta tsatsenge mì tampay srer pa'li hu mesyal alu Pekasì a tswamayon pxaw Perseusì ulte po 'amip ro taw.

Tsakrrvay, 'awa atxkxemì a lamu apxa roley olo'eyktan alu Tsefeusì hu peyä muntxate alu Kasiopeia. Meforu lamu narlora 'ite alu Antrometa. Kasiopeia lamu lesnonrra nìtxan nìhawng ulte poe 'awlo poltxe fayluta peyä 'ite to ite oloeyktanä alu olo'eyktan tawä alu Poseiton lu narlor. Poseiton stami nìtxan ulte pol ngamop tsawla swiräti txampayä a sngamä'i skiva'a atxkxe Tsefeusìyä.

Keftxoa Kefeusìl fngamo' txoati. Poseiton poltxe fayluta Kefeusìl zene tivìng tsawla swiräru txampayä peyä 'itet alu Antrometa. Tsefeusì mamllte ulte po kxìm fte fkol yìvìm Antrometati mì ramtsyìp lok txampay. Mawkrr frapol sramefey tìpähemit tsawla swiräyä ta txampay. Keftxoa Kasiopeia poltxe san nìrangal tuteol zìyevong oeyä 'iteti sìk ulte poe poltxe fayluta tutanri a zayong Antrometati tsayun muntxa sivi hu Antrometa.

Tsakrr Perseusìl tsame'a Antrometati a lamu mì ram ulte pol stamawm säftxulì'uti Kasiopeiayä. Tsìk tsawla swirä txampayä wrrzama'u ta txampay ulte pumìl tsame'a Antrometati krra Perseusì tswamayon pxaw tsawla swirä txampayä. Perseusìl fmi spivang tsawla swiräti txampayä fa tstal apxa ta Hermesì slä tsa'u lamu luke säflä. Tsawla swiräl txampayä tarmatep reypayti slä po ramey mi ha Perseusì tswamayon pxaw tsawla swirä txampayä nìmun ulte pol wamìntxu Metusayä re'oti tsawla swiräru txampayä. Tsawla swirä txampayä slamu tskxeyä swiräne krra pumìl tsame'a tsare'o ulte pum zamup nemfa txampay ne'ìm. Mawkrr Perseusìl mamunge Antrometati ftu ramtsyìp. Kasiopeia sì Tsefeusì irayo soli Perseusìru nìtxan ulte nitrama sute kaltxì soli poru ulte Perseusì tsamun muntxa sivi hu Antrometa.

Mawkrr Perseusì Antrometahu tamätxaw ne Perseusìyä sa'nok alu Tanei ne spono olo'eyktanä alu Politektesì. Politektesìru ke lu prrte' fwa Perseusì rey nìtut. Perseusìl amomun tsa'uti ha po poltxe Politektesìru fayluta poru lu Metusä re'o. Politektesì ke spaw Perseusìru ha Perseusìl wamìntxu Metusä re'oti Politektesìru ulte Politektesì slamu tskxeyä tutanne.
Akrisiusì ke tsamun hivifvo syayru peyä nìteng. Tìsrese'a a txopu sloleyku Akrisiusìti slamu tìngayne. 'Awlie fxo ayuvan lamu. Perseusì lamu uvanyu ulte pol tsrame'i pumit. Pol nìwalak tsrame'i peyä yomyoti slä pol tsrame'i pumit nìhawng ulte peyä yomyol tamakuk 'awa tutanit kip aynìnyu. Tsatutan lamu Akrisiusì ulte po tamerkup.

Perseusì sì Antrometa ramey 'awsiteng nìprrte' ulte Antrometa namokx Perseusìru 'a'awa 'itanit.

Krra aytantstew fìvurä tolerkup, tawä olo’eyktan alu Zeusìl yolem foti mì tonä taw sko aysnatanhì fte sutel frakrr ziverok fìvurit tìtstewä.

If you read it until the end, thank you very much

All comments are welcome.

Blue Elf · « **Reply #1 on:** December 28, 2016, 04:01:34 am »

Txantsan, ma Toliman - sunu fwa tsun ivinan ngima pamrelit nìNa'vi maw txana krr nìmun (hufwa ke lu ftue, zene pivllngay).

It's pleasant to read longer text in Na'vi after long time, although it is not easy (well, I went out of practice somehow). I read first five paragraphs in detail, and there's many areas for improvement (not speaking about typos or missing cases). Here's what I'd write in other way:

Akrisiusì ke new fte Tanei muntxa sivi taluna po txopu sami tìsrese'aru.
Akrisiusì ke new futa Tanei muntxa sivi taluna tìsrese'ari po txopu sami. (fte means "in order to", what doesn't fit here; some si verbs are used with topical (like thanking for something, be afraid of something etc.))

Slä pxaya sutanìl namew Akrisiusìyä 'iteti nìtut
Slä pxaya tutanìl namew Akrisiusìyä 'iteti nìtut (with pxay / txan noun remains in singular)

Po polltxe fayluta peyä 'ite tolerkup slä nìfkeytongay pol peyä 'iteti waman ro peyä kelku
Pol polltxe fayluta peyä 'ite tolerkup slä nìfkeytongay pol peyä 'iteti waman ro feyä kelku (case, lenition)

Ayweopxìl zolamungeti tsasähena ne spono tsenga saronyul tamaron fayoangit.
Ayweopxìl zamolunge tsasähenati ne spono tsenga saronyul tamaron fayoangit. (infix position + case)

..ulte fo srung soli Taneiru sì Perseusru
..ulte fo srung soli Taneiru sì Perseusur (in dative, there is no universal case as -ti for patientive)

Politektesì fpìl fyape pol tsun tspivang Perseutì fpì sìkanusom Taneiyä.
Politektesì fpìl fyape po tsun tspivang Perseusìt fpi sìkanusom Taneiyä. (cases, but here I don't understand what you want to say - Polydectes wants to kill Perseus to get what Danae posseses? I could look into book, but it requires first to find it...

)

Po amomum futa Perseusì new kivä ne kìfkey ulte futa pumìl 'anla tstewa ayhemit a lu lehrrap.
Pol amomum futa Perseusì new kivä ne kifkey ulte futa pol 'anla tstewa ayhemit a lu lehrrap. (cases, IMHO pum can't refer back to person for two reasons: one it's not used this way even in English, and pum refers to different instance, like in: Fìutral lu tsawl, tsapum lu hì'i -> This tree is high, that one is small. You speak about two different trees - but Perseus is just one)
better:
Pol amomum futa Perseusì new kivä ne kifkey ulte (new) saro'a sivi. (...wants to go to the world and do great deeds)

Pol kawngsar tsa'uti ulte po kxìm Perseusìru futa fko kä ne tsenge a rey pxeya 'ite alu Korkonasì.
Pol kawngsar tsat ulte pol kxìm Perseusìru tsonta kä ne tsenge a rey pxesmuke alu Korkonasì. (kxìm is used with tsonta, call Gorgonas as daughters would require to name his father too, IMO)

Frapo slolu sutene tskxeyä txo pumìl tse'a Korkonasìyä menarit.
Frapo latem ne tskxe krra (fkol) tse'a Korkonasìyä menarit.

Ha Politektesì polltxe Perseusìru fte pol tspìyevang Metusati ulte pumìl zìyevamunge Metusayä re'o.
Ha Politektesì polltxe Perseusìru fte pol tspìyevang Metusati ulte zamìyevunge Metusayä re'ot. (infix position, case)

Perseusì sama ulte pol kamä fwew atxkxe tsenga korkonasì roley
Perseusì sama ulte pol kamä fte fwivew atxkxeti tsenga korkonasì roley
or
Perseusì sama ulte pol kamä fwarmew atxkxeti tsenga korkonasì roley (two verbs without connector means sequence action, but in such case it should have same "timing" - or add some connector)

Kawtu ke amomun tsenga atxkxe Korkonasìyä tok
Kawtul ke amomun tsengit a atxkxel Korkonasìyä tok (cases)
or
Kawtur ke smon tseng a atxkxel Korkonasìyä tok

Poru lamu yewla li ulte pum namew tiv slä tsìk sramer olo'eyktan tawä alu Atxena sramer eo Perseusì.
Poru lamu yewla li ulte namew vivelek slä tsìk sramer olo'eyktan tawä alu Atxena eo Perseusì. (Tiv is probably typo or something, did you mean velek?)

If I'll not be lazy, I'll check other parts of story (but no promise). Anyway, good reading and translation is fine. Transliteration of names could be theme for big debate, but, IMO, it is not necessary.

Toliman · « **Reply #2 on:** December 28, 2016, 10:54:10 am »

Irayo ma Blue Elf

Thankx for correction of first parts of this story.

Quote from: Blue Elf on December 28, 2016, 04:01:34 am

Politektesì fpìl fyape pol tsun tspivang Perseutì fpì sìkanusom Taneiyä.
Politektesì fpìl fyape po tsun tspivang Perseusìt fpi sìkanusom Taneiyä. (cases, but here I don't understand what you want to say - Polydectes wants to kill Perseus to get what Danae posseses? I could look into book, but it requires first to find it... )

Yes, I wanted say that Polydectes wants to kill Perseus to get what Danae posseses (because Perseus didn't agree with Polydectes's desire.

Quote from: Blue Elf on December 28, 2016, 04:01:34 am

Transliteration of names could be theme for big debate, but, IMO, it is not necessary.

Yes, it could be
(Do you have any better idea for some names? Transliteration was not easy sometimes ... )

Blue Elf · « **Reply #3 on:** December 28, 2016, 03:13:52 pm »

A few more paragraphs with changes:

Tsasutéru lamu nìngay 'awa nari nì'aw ulte pxefol zamene zivasrìn fìtsap fte pxefo tsamun nivìn
Tsapxesutéru lamu nìngay 'awa nari nì'aw ulte zamene srivìn tsat fte tsivun tsive'a. (reduce pxe- usage, iv after fte, fìtsap doesn't work here, it requires vtr + äp (perform action on self), but here you transfer thing (eye), what is subject of the verb. You can't transfer something each other)

ulte nga zene kxivim pxeforu fte pxefol pivllte ngaru fya'oti ne sirea na'rìngä
ulte nga zene peykeng pxeforu fya'oti ne sirea na'rìngä
(kxìm pairs with tsonta, but better is to rewrite sentence different way - "you must cause them to say path to the heart of na'rìng" (I hope it is ok - based on example: Eytukanìl teykaron Neytirir yerikit - Eytukan caused Neytiri to hunt hexapede))

tayìng ngaru 'a'awa ayuti a layu letsranten ngaru
tayìng ngaru 'a'awa ayuti a tsrayanten ngaru (tsranten = lu letsranten, so shorter version looks simpler)

sì zeya sähenawit
sì zeya sähenat (typo?)

kawtu ke tsayun tsive'a krra ngal yayemstokx fìioit
kawtu ke tsayun tsive'a ngat krra yayemstokx fìoit (? ì+i will contrant to single vowel, probably ì. AFAIR, there is some rule about it, try to check Horen leNa'vi)

vay pol tsame'a sute tskxeyä mì hllte
vay pol tsame'a sutet alu tskxe mì hllte

Set pol omum fwa zongtseng Korkonasì lu asim li
Set pol omum futa zongtseng Korkonasìyä sim li (omum is vtr, missing genitive, asim is adverb and IMHO lu asim gives no sense)

Perseusì mamun'i Metusayä re'o krra po tsame'a futa Metusa hahaw swaw
Perseusìl mamun'i Metusayä re'ot krra (pol) tsame'a futa Metusa hahaw swawo.

Pol tìng Metusayä re'oti nemfa zeya sähena ulte pum tswamayon nìvin neto taluna lahea munea Korkonasì tìtxen soli.
Pol yem Metusayä re'oti nemfa zeya sähena ulte tswamayon nìwin neto taluna lahea meKorkonasì tìtxen soli. (nivìn =/= nìwin, me- is preferred as otherwise you have two adjective from one side of noun, what is not allowed. Another option is lahea Korkonasì amune)

.. zolup ne txampay ulte ta tsatsenge mì tampay srer pa'li hu mesyal alu Pekasì a tswamayon pxaw Perseusì ulte po 'amip ro taw.
.. zolup ne txampay ulte tsatsenge srer pa'li a lu poru mesyal alu Pekasì a tswamayon pxaw Perseusì ulte 'amìp ro saw.
(simplified structeru of sentence for better understanding; hu is accompaniment, so in your version materialized horse and wings separated

; lenition. And mì is probably better and correct)

Tsakrrvay, 'awa atxkxemì a lamu apxa roley olo'eyktan
Tsakrrvay, 'awa atxkxemì apxa roley olo'eyktan (lu is confusing here)

poe 'awlo poltxe fayluta peyä 'ite to ite oloeyktanä alu olo'eyktan tawä alu Poseiton lu narlor. Poseiton stami nìtxan ulte pol ngamop tsawla swiräti txampayä a sngamä'i skiva'a atxkxe Tsefeusìyä.
poe 'awlo poltxe fayluta peyä 'ite to 'ite oloeyktanä tawä alu Poseiton lu narlor. Poseiton stami nìtxan ulte pol ngamop tsawla swiräti txampayä a sngamä'i skiva'a atxkxet Tsefeusìyä.
(simplified structure, case)

Toliman · « **Reply #4 on:** December 28, 2016, 03:31:46 pm »

Irayo nìmun

Quote from: Blue Elf on December 28, 2016, 03:13:52 pm

sì zeya sähenawit
sì zeya sähenat (typo?)

yes, just typo.

Quote from: Blue Elf on December 28, 2016, 03:13:52 pm

.. zolup ne txampay ulte ta tsatsenge mì tampay srer pa'li hu mesyal alu Pekasì a tswamayon pxaw Perseusì ulte po 'amip ro taw.
.. zolup ne txampay ulte tsatsenge srer pa'li a lu poru mesyal alu Pekasì a tswamayon pxaw Perseusì ulte 'amìp ro saw.
(simplified structeru of sentence for better understanding; hu is accompaniment, so in your version materialized horse and wings separated ; lenition. And mì is probably better and correct)

Pegasus with separated wings

.... true, your translation is good.

I will fix it. Thanks

Blue Elf · « **Reply #5 on:** January 07, 2017, 05:59:28 pm »

And finally notes related to remaining part:

Poseiton poltxe fayluta Kefeusìl zene tivìng tsawla swiräru txampayä peyä 'itet alu Antrometa. (in modal constructions subject usually takes no case)

Tsefeusì mamllte ulte po kxìm fte fkol yìvìm Antrometati mì ramtsyìp lok txampay.
Tsefeusì mamllte ulte pol kxìm tsonta fkoru yìvìm Antrometati mì ramtsyìp lok txampay. (Kxìm works with tsonta, as already said)

Keftxoa Kasiopeia poltxe san nìrangal tuteol zìyevong oeyä 'iteti sìk ulte poe poltxe fayluta tutanri a zayong Antrometati tsayun muntxa sivi hu Antrometa.
Keftxoa Kasiopeia poltxe san nìrangal tuteol zìyevong oeyä 'iteti ~~sìk ulte poe poltxe fayluta~~. Tutan a zayong Antrometati tsun muntxa sivi hu Antrometa sìk. (repeating poltxe doesn't look well, so I merged all into single sentence)

Tsakrr Perseusìl tsame'a Antrometati a lamu mì ram ulte pol stamawm säftxulì'uti Kasiopeiayä
Tsakrr Perseusìl tsame'a Antrometati a tok ramit ulte pol stamawm säftxulì'uti Kasiopeiayä (if something/somebody is somewhere, tok is usually most correct)

Tsìk tsawla swirä txampayä wrrzama'u ta txampay ulte pumìl tsame'a Antrometati krra Perseusì tswamayon pxaw tsawla swirä txampayä.
Tsìk tsawla swirä txampayä wrrzama'u ta txampay ulte tsame'a Antrometati krra Perseusì tswamayon pxaw po. (it's better not repeat same word too often. Pum is good, but can be trimmed, in last part I refer back to kraken using po. Problem is, in Na'vi it can lead to confusion whether Perseus fly around Kraken or Andromeda. IMHO here it doesn't matter much. Maybe just swirä could work too).

Perseusìl fmi spivang tsawla swiräti txampayä fa tstal apxa ta Hermesì slä tsa'u lamu luke säflä.
Perseus fmi tspivang tsaswiräti fa tstal apxa ta Hermesì slä tsakem ke flä. (shortening Kraken, rewording)

Tsawla swiräl txampayä tarmatep reypayti slä po ramey mi ha Perseusì tswamayon pxaw tsawla swirä txampayä nìmun ulte pol wamìntxu Metusayä re'oti tsawla swiräru txampayä.
Swiräl tarmatep reypayti slä po ramey mi ha Perseusì tswamayon pxaw po nìmun ulte wamìntxu Metusayä re'oti poru. (shortening)

Tsawla swirä txampayä slamu tskxeyä swiräne krra pumìl tsame'a tsare'o ulte pum zamup nemfa txampay ne'ìm
Tsawla swirä txampayä lolatem ne tskxe krra tsame'a tsare'ot ulte zamup nemfa txampay ne'ìm. (shortening and rewording. Even pum is good to not repeat. Often is enough to omit subject, as it is clearly known)

Perseusìl amomun tsa'uti ha po poltxe Politektesìru fayluta poru lu Metusä re'o. Politektesì ke spaw Perseusìru ha Perseusìl wamìntxu Metusä re'oti Politektesìru ulte Politektesì slamu tskxeyä tutanne.
Perseusìl amomun tsat ha poltxe Politektesìru fayluta poru lu Metusayä re'o. Politektesì ke spaw ha Perseusìl wamìntxu Metusayä re'oti Politektesìru ulte po latem ne tskxe. (fixing some parts as shown earlier (become stone), removing not necessary subjects, typos)

Tìsrese'a a txopu sloleyku Akrisiusìti slamu tìngayne.
Tìsrese'a a tsari Akrisiusì txopu si slamu ngay. (your version doesn't look to give sense; maybe Tìsrese'a a txoput sloleyku Akrisiusìru slamu ngay.)

'Awlie fxo ayuvan lamu. (ke tslam...)
'Awlie fkol vezeyko ayuvanit letokx. (is it what you intended?)

Perseusì lamu uvanyu ulte pol tsrame'i pumit. (to which word pum refers??) Pol nìwalak tsrame'i peyä yomyoti slä pol tsrame'i pumit nìhawng ulte peyä yomyol tamakuk 'awa tutanit kip aynìnyu
Perseusì sko uvanyu nìwalak tsrame'i peyä yomyoti slä tsaw tamakuk 'awa tutanit a kip aynìnyu. (avoided repeating, shortening. Really there's no need to translate everything, if you keep meaning)

Well, probably more things could be improved - but it is mostly fine tunning (and in some cases even nitpicking

). Main problem seems to be to much repeating and trying to be as exact as original. But skipping some parts doesn't hurt, when main idea is preserved. You have chosen not easy text, but result is not bad.
You can things what to do next

Toliman · « **Reply #6 on:** January 07, 2017, 06:29:46 pm »

Irayo nìmun ma Blue Elf

Quote from: Blue Elf on January 07, 2017, 05:59:28 pm

Tìsrese'a a txopu sloleyku Akrisiusìti slamu tìngayne.
Tìsrese'a a tsari Akrisiusì txopu si slamu ngay. (your version doesn't look to give sense; maybe Tìsrese'a a txoput sloleyku Akrisiusìru slamu ngay.)

Tìsrese'a a txoput sloleyku Akrisiusìru slamu ngay. - it looks good, I think.

Quote from: Blue Elf on January 07, 2017, 05:59:28 pm