Song translation - Maybe it was caused by me

Started by Blue Elf, April 23, 2011, 04:02:15 PM

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Blue Elf

Kaltxì, ma eylan sìrolä.
I'd like to contribute something to this place and as I'm no poet nor composer, I've selected one of well-known songs by Czech  band "Olympic" and translate it into Na'vi. It is quite simple song, so I hope my Na'vi knowledge is enough for my intention.

Original song:
Olympic - Snad jsem to zavinil já
For those who can understand Czech - original text, for those who don't (most of you, I'm afraid :)) my English translation in spoiler (should be possible to sing it)

And Na'vi version (I did my best to keep result singable too, so I hope I didn't bend lì'fya leNa'vi too much):


New version, better singable with better grammar:


1: Nga 'efu keftxo
Pesu new nivìn tsat?
Nga ke tsun yivom ke'ut
Ngar lu hì'ang mì re'o

R: 'Efu nitram, tsa'u ke pxan
lìyatem maw hìkrr
leykatsen tsa'ut oel

2: Fmi tswiva' fra'ut
a lu vawma tìvawm
awawneyn nì'aw
fa keftxoa äie

R: 'Efu nitram, tsa'u ke pxan
lìyatem maw hìkrr
leykatsen tsa'ut oel

2: Fmi ....

R: 'Efu ...

Oel - oel -oel ...


And now - song itself, "sung" by me (I'd wouldn't call it this way but....). Not perfect, it is recorded using original song, but I wasn't able to completely remove original singing, you stil can hear it, although very silent (if you know how to improve it, send me a PM)
[smg id=4290 type=av]

Well, that's all - corrections and improvements are welcome, and if someone is able to sing this song, let he/she do and share it here.

Edit: finalized, all imperfections removed (but left striked out for reference)
Edit 2: improved text, audio added
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Tswusayona Tsamsiyu

great song. no serious kxeyey.
a little strange is nìvawm. what is "darkly"?
also if it is an adverb it can't be described with an adjective (wawneyn).
also there's the line fa keftxoa äieyä. what is the vision's (äie) possesion?

Quotelolatsu kxeyey oeyä
just my idea. you don't have to change it. leykatsen tsa'ut oel (I maybe made this happen).
Nivume Na'vit, fpivìl nìNa'vi, kivame na Na'vi.....
oer fko syaw tswusayona tsamsiyu

Blue Elf

Quote
great song. no serious kxeyey.
Oh, really? Nice to hear that :)
Quote
a little strange is nìvawm. what is "darkly"?
also if it is an adverb it can't be described with an adjective (wawneyn).
intended meaning of this line is "painted to dark/darkly". I spend a lot of time thinking about this, but didn't find anything better. I rely on fact that linguists aren't so strict with songwriters as they care first of all about word lengths :)
Quote
also there's the line fa keftxoa äieyä. what is the vision's (äie) possesion?
-yä here doesn't mean possesion, but genitive, like in: aylì'ufa awngeyä 'eylanä - by words of our friend. I hope it is correct.
Quote
Quotelolatsu kxeyey oeyä
just my idea. you don't have to change it. leykatsen tsa'ut oel (I maybe made this happen).
Well, syllable count matches, it is usable, maybe easier to sing. Good idea.
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Tswusayona Tsamsiyu

Quote
Quotealso there's the line fa keftxoa äieyä. what is the vision's (äie) possesion?
-yä here doesn't mean possesion, but genitive, like in: aylì'ufa awngeyä 'eylanä - by words of our friend. I hope it is correct.
I didn't ask what was äie possessed to, but what is the äie's possession. It is genitive but I don't see where is the thing it possesses, that belongs to it.

Quote
Quotea little strange is nìvawm. what is "darkly"?
also if it is an adverb it can't be described with an adjective (wawneyn).
intended meaning of this line is "painted to dark/darkly". I spend a lot of time thinking about this, but didn't find anything better. I rely on fact that linguists aren't so strict with songwriters as they care first of all about word lengths
well whether nìvawm is true or not, an adverb can't be described with an adjective. perhaps wawneyna tìvawm.
Nivume Na'vit, fpivìl nìNa'vi, kivame na Na'vi.....
oer fko syaw tswusayona tsamsiyu

Blue Elf

#4
QuoteI didn't ask what was äie possessed to, but what is the äie's possession. It is genitive but I don't see where is the thing it possesses, that belongs to it.
When thinking more about this, I expect it as error and genitive should be simply removed as case is already introduced by preposition.
Quotewell whether nìvawm is true or not, an adverb can't be described with an adjective. perhaps wawneyna tìvawm.
Originally I meant to use this phrase, but tìvawn is already used in previous line. I'll think about this more
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Blue Elf

The best I devised is
...
a lu vawma tìvawm
awawneyn nì'aw

...
Should be correct, fits into melody, doesn't sound too strange, hmm...
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


`Eylan Ayfalulukanä

Quote from: Blue Elf on April 27, 2011, 04:28:32 PM
The best I devised is
...
a lu vawma tìvawm
awawneyn nì'aw

...
Should be correct, fits into melody, doesn't sound too strange, hmm...

The English translation has 'dark, painted to black' here. Since neyn means 'light shade', I think you realy want layon 'black' here. (Don't know if this fits in the melody.) Also, I wondering if you mean 'cold' here, which is wew Thus, you end up with:

a lu vawma tìvawm
awewlayon nì'aw

Yawey ngahu!
pamrel si ro [email protected]

Blue Elf

#7
Ma 'Eylan, you didn't understand it correctly  :)
wawneyn = w<awn>eyn - drawn (illustrated)

So correct meaning is like this:
.. which is dark(ly) painted darkness only ...

I was thinking about using layon too, but it is too long
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Tswusayona Tsamsiyu

Nivume Na'vit, fpivìl nìNa'vi, kivame na Na'vi.....
oer fko syaw tswusayona tsamsiyu

Blue Elf

Ok, updated in first post. Now singer is needed  :)
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Talis

Txo oeru livu krr, tsakrr oe tserun rivol tsat ;)

Blue Elf

Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


hemmond

You need singer? :) I might be able to sing it... But I'll need some edits of that lyrics... There are passages, which are too short...
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http://twitter.com/hemmondssandbox

If it's change in you, then the world is changing too.
--22nd World Scout Jamboree anthem.

Blue Elf

Well, second part may be harder to sing, although I did my best. First part should be ok, try it.
Have you any proposal for changes in the second part?
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


hemmond

QuoteLu nitram, tsa'u ke pxan
lìyatem maw hìkrr
leykatsen tsa'ut oel lolatsu kxeyey oeyä
First and third line of the refrain needs one more syllable each. :)
old gallery link?id=1849[/img]
old gallery link?id=1890[/img]

http://twitter.com/hemmondssandbox

If it's change in you, then the world is changing too.
--22nd World Scout Jamboree anthem.

Tirea Aean

aw come on. Matching syllables 100% 1:1 is insanely difficult while making the song have meaning and some degree of grammatical correctness. However I think it is possible with much work... (similar issue with the Nothing Else Matters translation)

Blue Elf

Quote from: hemmond on June 23, 2011, 04:27:47 PM
QuoteLu nitram, tsa'u ke pxan
lìyatem maw hìkrr
leykatsen tsa'ut oel lolatsu kxeyey oeyä
First and third line of the refrain needs one more syllable each. :)
Agree with TA. IMHO one syllable can be solved by stretching some syllables during singing - hear some Talis' songs
Also notice that "lolatsu kxeyey oeyä" was deleted - but it is one syllable longer, so if it fits better for singing, we can change it back.
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


hemmond

Okay, I tried and it can be done. But the second part is very hard... Even with syllables "longering" or stretching... It's very hard...
old gallery link?id=1849[/img]
old gallery link?id=1890[/img]

http://twitter.com/hemmondssandbox

If it's change in you, then the world is changing too.
--22nd World Scout Jamboree anthem.

Blue Elf

Original post updated: improved text, audio sung by me added
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)