Author Topic: Nightwish - While Your Lips Are Still Red  (Read 1631 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Ataeghane

  • Palulukan Makto
  • *****
  • Posts: 1058
  • Karma: 32
Nightwish - While Your Lips Are Still Red
« on: October 21, 2012, 12:25:14 pm »
Nightwish - While Your Lips Are Still Red


Sweet little words made for silence
Not talk
Young heart for love
Not heartache
Dark hair for catching the wind
Not to veil the sight of a cold world

Kiss while your lips are still red
While he`s still silent
Rest while bosom is still untouched, unveiled
Hold another hand while the hand`s still without a tool
Drown into eyes while they`re still blind
Love while the night still hides the withering dawn

First day of love never comes back
A passionate hour`s never a wasted one
The violin, the poet`s hand
Every thawing heart plays your theme with care

Kiss while your lips are still red
While he`s still silent
Rest while bosom is still untouched, unveiled
Hold another hand while the hand`s still without a tool
Drown into eyes while they`re still blind
Love while the night still hides the withering dawn
Naytwìsì - Tengkrr meseyri tun


 Tìfnuri aylì'utsyìp a-  
  Kalin  
  Tìyawnìri  
  Txe'lan oey  
  Hufweri vawma nikre  
  Tup tsaria wan kifkeyt awew  

  Pom tengkrr meseyri tun  
  Tengkrr po mi fnu  
  Tsurokx, tengkrr ke 'olampi prrkut  
  Lahea tsyokxit fyep tengkrr tsar kea sä'o  
  Zup menarine akakrel  
  Ngar yawne tengkrr txonìl trr'ongit wan  

  Ke tätxaw tìyawn lesngä'i  
  Ftxavanga krr frakrr nìwawe salew  
  Tseotuä tsyokx - vayìlìn  
  Fratxe’lan asom way si txeler ngey  

  Pom tengkrr meseyri tun  
  Tengkrr po mi fnu  
  Tsurokx, tengkrr ke 'olampi prrkut  
  Lahea tsyokxit fyep tengkrr tsar kea sä'o  
  Zup menarine akakrel  
  Ngar yawne tengkrr txonìl trr'ongit wan  




How do you like my translation? I should be singable, for I paid attention both to grammatical correctness and the number of syllables and rhymes.
« Last Edit: October 22, 2012, 12:13:48 pm by Ataeghane »

Oer wivìntxu ngal oey keyeyt krr a tse'a sat. Frakrr.

Offline Blue Elf

  • Palulukan Makto
  • *****
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 5502
  • cz Czech Republic
  • Karma: 112
    • My attempt for blog
Re: Nightwish - While Your Lips Are Still Red
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2012, 03:30:12 pm »
Oh my Eywa! I started to translate this song too, but stuck... But a few lines are very similar. I'll look at it better later, but on first look it's quite good
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Offline Ataeghane

  • Palulukan Makto
  • *****
  • Posts: 1058
  • Karma: 32
Re: Nightwish - While Your Lips Are Still Red
« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2012, 04:48:12 pm »
Thanks. Any comments will be appreciated.

Oer wivìntxu ngal oey keyeyt krr a tse'a sat. Frakrr.

Offline Kamean

  • Eywatsyìp
  • ******
  • *
  • Posts: 10804
  • Karma: 64
  • Oe lu tute a tsun stivawm Eywayä mokrit
Re: Nightwish - While Your Lips Are Still Red
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2012, 04:55:02 pm »
Very nice translation. :)
Tse'a ngal ke'ut a krr fra'uti kame.


Offline Blue Elf

  • Palulukan Makto
  • *****
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 5502
  • cz Czech Republic
  • Karma: 112
    • My attempt for blog
Re: Nightwish - While Your Lips Are Still Red
« Reply #4 on: October 26, 2012, 07:20:54 am »
So, I found more time to give it a deeper look. Here are some notes:

First strophe:
- instead of kalin use hona. Kalin can be used just in meaning "sweet as a taste", other usage is covered by hona
- instead of topicals I probably would prefer datives
So my version:
Tìfnuru aylì'utsyìp a- 
  Hona 
  Tìyawnur
  Txe'lan oey 
  Hufweru vawma nikre 
  Tup ayu a wan kifkeyt awew


Chorus:
- in first line is missing verb: Pom tengkrr meseyri lu tun
- last line: you are trying to use "Ngar yawne" on place of verb "love". Na'vi has no such verb what give us many complications, unfortunately, so we should use full phrase "Ngaru livu yawne (oe)". But here IMHO we can use it as you did it, in "art" are rules less strict.

Second strophe:
- by vayìlìn you mean violin, isn't it? :)

I really like your translation, it would be nice if someone try it to sing. IMHO it is not easy, as rhytm is not fixed.

To add something, here are some fragments of my attempt. I'll try to improve it and plan is to be completely singable (if I ever be successful). You work gives me new inspiration, because you, differently from me, didn't tried exact translation. Karma for you.

Hona aylì'ut fkol ngop fpi sìfnu
Ke tìplltxe
Txe'lan a'ewan fpi sìyawn
ke tìsraw
Nikre avawm fte stivä'nì hufwet
ke wan kifkeyit awew

R:
Pom tengkrr ngey meseyri lu tun (this fits into melody perfectly!)
tengkrr po fneru
tsurokx mì ...  (failed here  :()
'ampi lahea tsyokxit tengkrr ke lu tsaru sä'o
yemfpay mì menari tengkrr lu kakrel
Tìyawnit tìng tengkrr txonìl wan sresrr'ongit


Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Offline Ataeghane

  • Palulukan Makto
  • *****
  • Posts: 1058
  • Karma: 32
Re: Nightwish - While Your Lips Are Still Red
« Reply #5 on: November 21, 2012, 03:55:35 pm »
Quote
- instead of kalin use hona. Kalin can be used just in meaning "sweet as a taste", other usage is covered by hona
Well... "Sweet words" are some kind of metaphor so I decided it's not going to be a mistake if I translate it literary. "Hona" is something like "cute" and for I imagined literally sweet words and liked this idea, decided to leave it this way. I hope you'll get what I mean.

Quote
- instead of topicals I probably would prefer datives
I cannot argue with that. Both Dative and Topical bear slightly different meanings, but both are correct, so this choice is up to the translator.

But still:
Quote
So my version:
Tìfnuru aylì'utsyìp a- 
  Hona 
  Tìyawnur
  Txe'lan oey 
  Hufweru vawma nikre 
  Tup ayur a wan kifkeyt awew

But here e.g., you lost the number of syllables in the third line.

Quote
Chorus:
- in first line is missing verb: Pom tengkrr meseyri lu tun
Isn't "lu" avoidable, especially in poetry?

Quote
- last line: you are trying to use "Ngar yawne" on place of verb "love". Na'vi has no such verb what give us many complications, unfortunately, so we should use full phrase "Ngaru livu yawne (oe)". But here IMHO we can use it as you did it, in "art" are rules less strict.
Well, I tried to look for a parallel construction before I wrote that.
Eywa ngahu livu -> Eywa ngahu
Yawne ngar livu -> Yawne ngar

So yes, It led me to the same result.

Quote
Second strophe:
- by vayìlìn you mean violin, isn't it?
Yes, of course. : )

Quote
To add something, here are some fragments of my attempt. I'll try to improve it and plan is to be completely singable (if I ever be successful). You work gives me new inspiration, because you, differently from me, didn't tried exact translation. Karma for you.
Faylì'u oeru teya seiyi nìtxan, nìngay :). Irayo ngaru.

Quote
Pom tengkrr ngey meseyri lu tun (this fits into melody perfectly!)
Many things fit into melody, when you stretch the melody well enough. Especially this melody, since the number of syllables in one line is unusually irregular, but you would then sing it in a pretty different way.

Waiting for the translation complete. :)

Oer wivìntxu ngal oey keyeyt krr a tse'a sat. Frakrr.

 

Become LearnNavi's friend on Facebook Follow LearnNavi on Twitter! Watch LearnNavi's videos on YouTube

SMF 2.0.18 | SMF © 2021, Simple Machines | XHTML | RSS | WAP2 | Site Rules

LearnNavi is not affiliated with the official Avatar website,
James Cameron, LightStorm Entertainment or The Walt Disney Company.
All trademarks and servicemarks are the properties of their respective owners.
Images in the LearnNavi.org Forums and Gallery may not be used without permission.

LearnNavi Affiliates:
ToS

LearnNavi is the community to learn Na'vi, the Avatar Language
"A place where real friendships are made." -Paul Frommer

AvatarMeet | Learn Na'vi Forum | Learn Na'vi Wiki | Na'viteri

LearnNavi