Nightwish - While Your Lips Are Still Red

[Ataeghane]

Nightwish - While Your Lips Are Still Red Sweet little words made for silence Not talk Young heart for love Not heartache Dark hair for catching the wind Not to veil the sight of a cold world Kiss while your lips are still red While he`s still silent Rest while bosom is still untouched, unveiled Hold another hand while the hand`s still without a tool Drown into eyes while they`re still blind Love while the night still hides the withering dawn First day of love never comes back A passionate hour`s never a wasted one The violin, the poet`s hand Every thawing heart plays your theme with care Kiss while your lips are still red While he`s still silent Rest while bosom is still untouched, unveiled Hold another hand while the hand`s still without a tool Drown into eyes while they`re still blind Love while the night still hides the withering dawn

Naytwìsì - Tengkrr meseyri tun  Tìfnuri aylì'utsyìp a-    Kalin    Tìyawnìri    Txe'lan oey    Hufweri vawma nikre    Tup tsaria wan kifkeyt awew    Pom tengkrr meseyri tun    Tengkrr po mi fnu    Tsurokx, tengkrr ke 'olampi prrkut    Lahea tsyokxit fyep tengkrr tsar kea sä'o    Zup menarine akakrel    Ngar yawne tengkrr txonìl trr'ongit wan    Ke tätxaw tìyawn lesngä'i    Ftxavanga krr frakrr nìwawe salew    Tseotuä tsyokx - vayìlìn    Fratxe'lan asom way si txeler ngey    Pom tengkrr meseyri tun    Tengkrr po mi fnu    Tsurokx, tengkrr ke 'olampi prrkut    Lahea tsyokxit fyep tengkrr tsar kea sä'o    Zup menarine akakrel    Ngar yawne tengkrr txonìl trr'ongit wan

Nightwish - While Your Lips Are Still Red [HD - Lyrics]

How do you like my translation? I should be singable, for I paid attention both to grammatical correctness and the number of syllables and rhymes.

[Blue Elf]

Oh my Eywa! I started to translate this song too, but stuck... But a few lines are very similar. I'll look at it better later, but on first look it's quite good

[Ataeghane]

Thanks. Any comments will be appreciated.

[Kamean]

Very nice translation.

[Blue Elf]

So, I found more time to give it a deeper look. Here are some notes:

First strophe:
- instead of kalin use hona. Kalin can be used just in meaning "sweet as a taste", other usage is covered by hona
- instead of topicals I probably would prefer datives
So my version:
Tìfnuru aylì'utsyìp a- 
  Hona 
  Tìyawnur
  Txe'lan oey 
  Hufweru vawma nikre 
  Tup ayu a wan kifkeyt awew

Chorus:
- in first line is missing verb: Pom tengkrr meseyri lu tun
- last line: you are trying to use "Ngar yawne" on place of verb "love". Na'vi has no such verb what give us many complications, unfortunately, so we should use full phrase "Ngaru livu yawne (oe)". But here IMHO we can use it as you did it, in "art" are rules less strict.

Second strophe:
- by vayìlìn you mean violin, isn't it?

I really like your translation, it would be nice if someone try it to sing. IMHO it is not easy, as rhytm is not fixed.

To add something, here are some fragments of my attempt. I'll try to improve it and plan is to be completely singable (if I ever be successful). You work gives me new inspiration, because you, differently from me, didn't tried exact translation. Karma for you.

Hona aylì'ut fkol ngop fpi sìfnu
Ke tìplltxe
Txe'lan a'ewan fpi sìyawn
ke tìsraw
Nikre avawm fte stivä'nì hufwet
ke wan kifkeyit awew

R:
Pom tengkrr ngey meseyri lu tun (this fits into melody perfectly!)
tengkrr po fneru
tsurokx mì ...  (failed here  )
'ampi lahea tsyokxit tengkrr ke lu tsaru sä'o
yemfpay mì menari tengkrr lu kakrel
Tìyawnit tìng tengkrr txonìl wan sresrr'ongit

[Ataeghane]

- instead of kalin use hona. Kalin can be used just in meaning "sweet as a taste", other usage is covered by hona

Well... "Sweet words" are some kind of metaphor so I decided it's not going to be a mistake if I translate it literary. "Hona" is something like "cute" and for I imagined literally sweet words and liked this idea, decided to leave it this way. I hope you'll get what I mean.

- instead of topicals I probably would prefer datives

I cannot argue with that. Both Dative and Topical bear slightly different meanings, but both are correct, so this choice is up to the translator.

But still:

So my version:
Tìfnuru aylì'utsyìp a- 
  Hona 
  Tìyawnur
  Txe'lan oey 
  Hufweru vawma nikre 
  Tup ayur a wan kifkeyt awew

But here e.g., you lost the number of syllables in the third line.

Chorus:
- in first line is missing verb: Pom tengkrr meseyri lu tun

Isn't "lu" avoidable, especially in poetry?

- last line: you are trying to use "Ngar yawne" on place of verb "love". Na'vi has no such verb what give us many complications, unfortunately, so we should use full phrase "Ngaru livu yawne (oe)". But here IMHO we can use it as you did it, in "art" are rules less strict.

Well, I tried to look for a parallel construction before I wrote that.
Eywa ngahu livu -> Eywa ngahu
Yawne ngar livu -> Yawne ngar

So yes, It led me to the same result.

Second strophe:
- by vayìlìn you mean violin, isn't it?

Yes, of course. : )

To add something, here are some fragments of my attempt. I'll try to improve it and plan is to be completely singable (if I ever be successful). You work gives me new inspiration, because you, differently from me, didn't tried exact translation. Karma for you.

Faylì'u oeru teya seiyi nìtxan, nìngay . Irayo ngaru.

Pom tengkrr ngey meseyri lu tun (this fits into melody perfectly!)

Many things fit into melody, when you stretch the melody well enough. Especially this melody, since the number of syllables in one line is unusually irregular, but you would then sing it in a pretty different way.

Waiting for the translation complete.