Not easy to translate/understand sentences

[Vawmataw]

Fìsänumviri irayo ma Karyu Tirea Aean.

[Tirea Aean]

Fìsänumviri irayo ma Karyu Tirea Aean.

Nìprrte' ma tsmuk

[Kame Ayyo’koti]

I thought it would be fun to try translating some pagan material into Na’vi.
Ended up pulling a lot of hair with this one:
The Wiccan Rede

Specifically this:

Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill,
An(d) it harm none
do what ye will.

According to Wikipedia, Rede can mean "advice," so I've used Mowar.
I also took some poetic license with moving words around:

Vola lì’ur Mowar hasey seiyi,
Eight-> words the-Rede accomplishes
Ulte tsayhemìri a nga kem sivi
And regarding-those-things which you may-do
Txo kawtut tìsraw seyki ke
If no-one is-hurt not
Tsakrr sä’eoio nga siveiyi
Then the-ritual you may-perform.

Nevermind that my grammar is probably terrible — it's very wordy, and I'm no poet. How could we shorten it? (Keeping in mind Na’vi sayings like, "Ätxäle palukanur.")

Vola lì’ur hasey _ Mowar,
Eight-> words accomplishes the-Rede,
Ul-txo kawtut tìsraw ke seyk_
And-if no-one (it) hurts-not
_ Kem si tsar a sunu ngar.
Do that which pleases you.


/You're a poet, Harry!

[Vawmataw]

Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill

I think it must be translated by the meaning.
If I read the Spanish version of Rede, I think it means:

The Wiccan Rede has eight words:
If your actions don't hurt,
You can do want you want.

Lu mowaru Wikanä vola lì'u:
Txo kawtut tìsraw ke seykivi
Tsakrr nga tsun hem a sunu ngar sivi. (not sure about the correctness)

Txo kawtut tìsraw seyki ke

Tìsraw ke seyki

sä’eoio nga siveiyi

nga sä'eoio siveiyi

[Kame Ayyo’koti]

Txo kawtut tìsraw seyki ke

Tìsraw ke seyki

sä’eoio nga siveiyi

nga sä'eoio siveiyi

I also took some poetic license with moving words around

[Kame Ayyo’koti]

Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill

I think it must be translated by the meaning.
If I read the Spanish version of Rede, I think it means:

The Wiccan Rede has eight words:
If your actions don't hurt,
You can do want you want.

I misunderstood. I thought it was referring to words previously said, as in, "The Rede fulfills these words..." not as giving an order, "You: fulfill these words..."

How about:

Hasey si nga Faylì’ur:
Accomplish you these-words:
Txo kawtut tìsraw ke seyk_
If no-one (it) hurts-not
_ Kem si tsar a sunu ngar.
Do that which pleases you.

Or even:

Lu Mowarur faylì’u:
Has the-Rede these-words:
Txo kawtut tìsraw ke seyk_
If no-one (it) hurts-not
_ Kem si tsar a ngar sunu.
Do that which you (it) pleases.

[Plumps]

Vola lì’ur Mowar hasey seiyi,
Eight-> words the-Rede accomplishes
Ulte tsayhemìri a nga (kem) sivi
And regarding-those-things which you may-do
Txo kawtut tìsraw seyki ke
If no-one is-hurt not
Tsakrr sä’eoio nga siveiyi
Then the-ritual you may-perform.

That’s the only thing I noticed. You can leave out the second kem.

Concerning the shortened forms, I’d only suggest.

sunu ngar a kem si
“do (the action) that you like”

I’m always hesitant to use a form of tsaw (> tsa’u) with kem because it rules itself out. As I understand it, you cannot “do an action to a thing”

[Kame Ayyo’koti]

Concerning the shortened forms, I’d only suggest.

sunu ngar a kem si
“do (the action) that you like”

That's a good idea. I still sometimes forget that the "noun-head" of si-verbs can be given adjectives, etc.

I want to arrange these words in a way that sounds nice and flows well, such as with the u's at the end:

Lu Mowarur vopeya lì’u:
Has the-Rede 11 words:
Txo tìsraw ke seyki kawtut
If (it) hurts-not no-one
Si kem aketsran a ngar sunu.
Do whatever thing which you (it) pleases.

I "bent" that last part a lot.
Or it could maybe be this:

Lu Mowarur lì’u avomun:
Has the-Rede 10 words:
Txo kawtut tìsraw ke seyki
If no-one (it) hurts-not
Sunu ngar a kem sivei_.
Which you pleases (you) may do (gladly).

Even shorter:

Faylì’ur Mowarä zen_ hasey si:
These-words of-the-Rede (you) must accomplish:
Tìsraw ke seyki a kem sivei_.
Action which hurts not (you) may-do-gladly.

There's so many ways one could go with this...
I think this one sounds best:

Faylì’ur Mowarä zene fko hasey si*:
These-words of-the-Rede must one accomplish:
Ketsran ke tìsraw seyk_, tsakem sivei_.
Whatever not hurts, that-thing (you) may-do-gladly.

I’m always hesitant to use a form of tsaw (> tsa’u) with kem because it rules itself out. As I understand it, you cannot “do an action to a thing”[/size][/font]

It does sound circular now that you mention it. I was reading it as, "Do that-thing which...," but a more literal translation would probably be, "That-thing do to-that-(same)thing..." Ah, more fun and confusion with si verbs.  

[Blue Elf]

Concerning the shortened forms, I’d only suggest.

sunu ngar a kem si
“do (the action) that you like”

I’m always hesitant to use a form of tsaw (> tsa’u) with kem because it rules itself out. As I understand it, you cannot “do an action to a thing”[/size][/font]

We never use *kem si tsa'ur/tsar, but tsakem si.

As for short version, I'd come with:
Fìkorenit zene nivong:
sunu ngar a kem sivi
txo kawtut tìsraw ke seyki
It would be nice to make it rhyme, but it is hard...

[Vawmataw]

It would be nice to make it rhyme, but it is hard...

I see a rhyme: sivi with seyki

[Plumps]

Fìkorenit zene nivong:
sunu ngar a kem sivi
txo kawtut tìsraw ke seyki

Then we could make it:

Zene nivong fìkorenti:
sunu ngar a kem sivi
txo kawtut tìsraw ke seyki

Not the best of rhymes but it does the trick.
Although, just for nitpicker’s sake we still don’t know exactly whether nong is transitive or intransitive.

[Blue Elf]

Then we could make it:
Although, just for nitpicker’s sake we still don’t know exactly whether nong is transitive or intransitive.

I'm aware of that...

[Plumps]

Then we could make it:
Although, just for nitpicker’s sake we still don’t know exactly whether nong is transitive or intransitive.

I'm aware of that...

I know you do
Sometimes, these uncertainties drive me crazier than words we still lack (and I’d wish we had …)