Current Emotions?

[Seze Mune]

Seykxel sì nitram, meylan Niri Te sì Ateyo!  Mengaru livu lefpom fìtrr ulte fratrr. 

[Takmeyalan te Tsu'erak 'Ewfwefpìkxap'itan]

I am ignoring her, but

WHY DOES IT HURT SO BAD?!?!

I mean, DAMN... I've left people before, but.... WOW, this hurts.

Like, physically, too. Why? Why does it feel like I'm being slowly torn apart emotionally? Why does it feel like I've been punched in the chest several times? ......Why?

Well, I'm not a psychologist, but I think there are a few reasons:

1. She used to have a great relationship with you
2. Since you're just 13, you don't want your friends to know you have a "girlfriend"; thus you don't talk about it and it gets worse
3. For some reason, she just hates you now

I really cared about her. I really did.

[Takmeyalan te Tsu'erak 'Ewfwefpìkxap'itan]

Sick, tired, bored, sad, angry. Screw.

[Txur Niftxavang]

I'm scared to get that x ray, it could mean an end too my career.

[Na'vin Nos'feratxu]

I'm scared to get that x ray, it could mean an end too my career.

Is that a good thing to you? or is that bad?

[Takmeyalan te Tsu'erak 'Ewfwefpìkxap'itan]

I've learned something: that my cuts aren't everything.

Should I tell them? Should I tell those who are concerned that my arm's feeling it, too?

Or should I act like it was an accident?

[Txur Niftxavang]

I wont let you bury it.   I wont let you smother it.  I may be burning out, but I still think I've got the fumes to go a little further,  not for you, but for me, and my Marines. I'm getting conered, and I really hope they understand how a desperate man could go so far.  Yeah, i snapped my ankle, but my Marines needed suppressive fire to get too that objective.  After they secured the obj, they dragged me back to the bibwack site for a Medevac.  Now im on an Army base at PTA... Not going on the helo op with my team...  If I get discharged, i hope they stand next too me fighting it...  I'm f*** scared s***. Yeah, i hate it in the MC, but the love for my Marine is stronger than the hate.

[Na'vin Nos'feratxu]

I'm really sad right now... After all this time, after all the years of being around so many people...
I still don't understand anyone.

Perhaps I really am better off living alone again.
I just don't understand why things happen the way they do sometimes.

I'm sad....

[Takmeyalan te Tsu'erak 'Ewfwefpìkxap'itan]

If anyone knows how you feel better than me, you let me know.

So what's making your day like mine (intrinsic anguish)?

Everything (my circumstance<s>)?

[Takmeyalan te Tsu'erak 'Ewfwefpìkxap'itan]

Wait.... I'm probably not helping.... Sorry. 

(I'm sad, too if you can't guess)

[Irtaviš Ačankif]

After all this time, after all the years of being around so many people...
I still don't understand anyone.

Well, same thing goes with me. Trying to understand everybody isn't productive though, unless you're a politician 

[Na'vin Nos'feratxu]

After all this time, after all the years of being around so many people...
I still don't understand anyone.

Well, same thing goes with me. Trying to understand everybody isn't productive though, unless you're a politician 

I beg to differ.
We are always trying to figure people out, so that we can coexist amongst our peers. Its mostly a subconscious effort.
However, even consciously I have trouble adapting and learning to how people think.
I'm practically a hermit because of this fact.

[Irtaviš Ačankif]

After all this time, after all the years of being around so many people...
I still don't understand anyone.

Well, same thing goes with me. Trying to understand everybody isn't productive though, unless you're a politician 

I beg to differ.
We are always trying to figure people out, so that we can coexist amongst our peers. Its mostly a subconscious effort.
However, even consciously I have trouble adapting and learning to how people think.
I'm practically a hermit because of this fact.

Same thing goes with me. Really, total understanding is not important for most coexistence. Most people don't understand me to say the least...

...but I'm "practically a hermit" too   

[Takmeyalan te Tsu'erak 'Ewfwefpìkxap'itan]

I beg to differ.
We are always trying to figure people out, so that we can coexist amongst our peers. Its mostly a subconscious effort.
However, even consciously I have trouble adapting and learning to how people think.
I'm practically a hermit because of this fact.

That's one thing that I'm mocked with, is that I really hate social interaction, unless with 1 or 2 people.

"You are anti-social, physically awkward, and you don't do things that even stem from things that people want/need at all... Well, besides your music, which still isn't very good." (my brother, when my mother was gone... that's how you really feel; your first thought.)

Also, I screamed at my guidance counselor yesterday saying that she wasn't any help; just spitting up what the school wants her to say... Cut and paste community service is what I'd call that; pure laziness and unwillingness to be helpful... To almost rub it in that I'm f*** crazy.

She saw my cuts and said that it was beyond her control and that she didn't know what to do. She said to visit a REAL counselor if I wanted actual help; not professional at all. Plus she said that I might have early onset dementia (kind of agree). So that's probably what I got from my dad (or his mother, rather). So, I might test for that with some unofficial tests and get back to you on that.

*sigh* Sorry if I got off topic, but I was just holding that in and it was getting hard to not tell anyone.

So... yeah. I'll get into what I was going to say a little bit later.

Current emotion: cloudy mixture of depression and anger.

[Irtaviš Ačankif]

Me too. If I have more than 3 "friends" around I'll invariably be extremely introverted. Not that I have more than 3 friends...

[Takmeyalan te Tsu'erak 'Ewfwefpìkxap'itan]

Agreed. *long, heavy sigh* I'm so tired of all this bulls*** and I want it to end, but why is it so impossible?

Like, seriously. My family will never look at me the same again, my one good friend disowned me, the girl of my dreams hates me with a passion, my grades are slipping because of the fact that I have absolutely no motivation to do anything other than repetitive crap like typing my heart out and complaining about my first world problems...

Look, I'm having a meltdown. It's not me, it's everyone else that's crazy. Why the hell am I always wrong when it comes to my own decisions? Why does my gut fail me daily? Why does the only motivation that I get come from spite and disdain? Why is it so impossible to have just one clear thought? Why do I dream in cacophony? Why is my life such a f*** blur? Why is the one thing that helps the one thing that everyone's hating me for? Why does it hurt so bad? Why did she leave us? Why did he hurt me? Why does everything have to suck? Why is it so hard for me to cry? Why is it so hard for me to like people? Why am I so obsessive? Why does it kill me to think that people DO actually care? Why were they so selfish? Why did she kick my heart in the ass? WHY THE f*** CAN'T I GET OVER ANYTHING?!?! WOULD IT KILL ME TO JUST LET IT GO?! OR WOULD I JUST RATHER DIE IN A SLOWLY-KILLING-ME FIRE, LIKE I WANTED ALL THEM TO?! I SCREAMED AT THEM, "Yes, okay? YES. You SEE it. That's the POINT. So that YOU would STOP being so GOD DAMN BLIND!!" YES, THE CUTS HURT, BUT IT HURTS LESS THAN DEPRESSION!!!

[Irtaviš Ačankif]

I think that you may need to learn to enjoy solitude or at least live with it. Not everybody is destined to be "popular" with tons of "friends."

[Takmeyalan te Tsu'erak 'Ewfwefpìkxap'itan]

I do enjoy solitude, but when I do need someone there for me, no one is. I don't know what to do. I am a friend (albeit distant), as in I'm kind and accepting, whereas, I'm slowly figuring out, the people actually looking for friends usually are, too, it's just the trial and error that goes hand in hand with my anti-social nature. I was lectured today on my lonely appearance and the fact that I'm hiding behind this hair and how that is "not how it's going to be" by my brother. My broth- who does he think he is anyway? Telling ME how to live MY life? I don't think so. My disintegrating confidence didn't allow me to tell him otherwise. See, this is why I randomly snap, usually at dinner. Because of this, my mood can't get any lower, it seems... I feel trodden on, broken. Anyway, my family and everyone else around me thinks WAY too highly of me.  So, when I come home with a crap report from school or bad grades, they don't understand. They still don't. They think that they failed me. They think the same for me. The fact that I can't maintain everyone else's predetermined realities actual reality, I feel even more like failure. That's why I've never felt good at anything. Plus, my brother was always better than me at everything, got better grades, had more friends, and talked a hell of a lot more about his problems that I ever did. He thinks that I was always the favorite. And, in a way, I kind of agree. My parents always sort of shoved him off to the side whenever he had a question about something, so that's probably why he feels like shoving the words of his anger down my throat will make it better. I never felt quite happy, though. There was always this nagging feeling that my laughter was never quite sincere. That it was always a laugh of "quiet desperation". There was always that presence of shortcoming on my part. Then, in more recent months, confidence was forced down my throat and it didn't feel natural, so I just stopped caring; went numb. That revealed plenty of scarring, as I'm sure that you can see. I realized that it was just defense mechanisms for not getting hurt again; to slash furiously at the air with my stick that I made of pure insecurity and instability. None of it was real. None of it was actually who I was, not what I was to become. All this falling short has made me the first-world "sufferer" that people love to hate. All of it made me insecure and hurt. This whole s*** could have been avoided. But it wasn't. And... here I am... telling you now. All the pain that you endure more than likely comes from one source. And let me tell you what: when the end of August rolls round... *sigh* College. For him, of course. It's heartbreaking, but that's the way that it is. *sigh* Anyway... emotion? Betrayed, depressed, exiled. And it's all my fault. A decision. My gut. My shattered personality... I LISTENED. FOR ONCE. AND LOOK WHERE I AM.

[Tsmuktengan]

I'm really sad right now... After all this time, after all the years of being around so many people...
I still don't understand anyone.

Perhaps I really am better off living alone again.
I just don't understand why things happen the way they do sometimes.

Want to talk about it? (PM?) Be aware there are many things that aren't always logical. We aren't robots, and human relations and communications is often complicated. You may understand or at least 'kame' more than you think. 

[Seze Mune]

I'm really sad right now... After all this time, after all the years of being around so many people...
I still don't understand anyone.

Perhaps I really am better off living alone again.
I just don't understand why things happen the way they do sometimes.

I'm sad....

Mawey, ma tsmukan, mawey.  Frawzo, ma Na'vin.  Sämyam ngaru!