Need Correction Please :P

[francoivan]

Kalxtì frapo!

I'm new here and i just did this.
it's kinda weird, but i don't get really well the grammar.
so please if you help me.

ayoeng lolú mì tsam
ayoeng uolnil hu 'awpo túte
tupe zolamunge fpom
sì tsakrr ayoeng tolse'a ngay
nìwotx Na'vi lolú kerusey
oe tsun tse'a fra'u ta fìtsenge
sì oe tse'a tsakem oelu nì'awtu
ayfo lu ke kerä ne'ìm
sì set oel ngati kameie
rerey na eo

We were in war
We dreamed with one man
Who brought peace
And then we saw the truth
All Na' vi were dead
I can see everything from this place
And I can see that I am alone
they are not going back
And now I see you
Living like before

Irayo since now.
And I can see that I am alone
they are not going back
And now I see you
Living like before

[Yoru]

line 2: unil is a dream - so as a noun. You can use 'unil s(ol)i' as a verb.
line 4: ngay is true as an adjective. tìngay is the truth as a noun.
line 5: I would use 'nìwotxA Na'vi'. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Na'vi_language#Adjectives

I'll read the rest some other time - now I first have to care about something else.
Although I don't really understand the meaning of all this, I can understand the words and grammar quite easily. Nice style in Na'vi.

[francoivan]

It makes sense if you start hinking like one of them
it's almost poetic, i think.
you must read between lines to understand my point of view, wich is he sees all, but then he dies, as easy like that.
Thanks for the correction of the first 5 lines

[Atan]

ayoeng lolú mì sam (mì triggers lenition)
ayoeng uolnil hu 'awpo túte (either just 'awpo or tute afko/fkoa tute)
tupe zolamunge fpom
sì tsakrr ayoeng tsole'a tìngay (the <ol> would go after the ts, which is considered one sound)
nìwotxa Na'vi lolú kerusey
oe tsun tse'a fra'u ta fìtsenge
sì oe tse'a tsakem oe lu nì'awtu
ayfo lu ke kerä ne'ìm (since kä is in the continuous aspect, I think lu might be unnecessary)
sì set oel ngati kameie
rerey na eo (where did you get the re- prefix?)

Also, while tupe and tsakem do mean "who" and "that," they may or may not be the correct words in this case.  Tupe is interrogative, but not necessarily relative (which is what you were looking for, I believe.)  Interrogative and relative might be the same in Na'vi, they might not: Frommer hasn't divulged the relative pronouns yet.  Tsakem means "that action," which once again might or might not correspond to the relative "that."  I can't say for certain whether or not what you wrote was correct, but I just wanted to point out that there might be two different words for English "who" and "that," one interrogative, one relative.
In order to avoid confusion, you could replace tupe with po and simply remove tsakem.  That would make the lines translate "We dreamed with one man/ He brought peace" and "I can see I am alone."

I hope I didn't sound too critical.  I think this is a fantastic poem, and it's really quite amazing that you composed it in Na'vi.  Keep up the good work.

[francoivan]

Don't worry, it's not too critical.
Actually, really, really thanks by taking your time checking it and then correct it.
Well, I came here, red some vocabulary and in a Notepad I wrote this from an idea that came to my mind.
So, I think I'm just lucky

[Skxawng]

hey!

Love the enthusiasm, but it would really help others if you'd read over this topic
specifically the bit on affixes towards the end of the first post

thanks

[francoivan]

Thanks, I really love the help that all of you give to the beginners like me.
Thanks