Author Topic: Haiku  (Read 997 times)

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Offline Yawne Zize’ite

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Haiku
« on: November 24, 2011, 09:28:22 pm »
Before subjecting the haiku thread to my attempt at poetry, I thought I'd post it here for proofreading and critique. I'm sure I forgot at least one important rule of Na'vi grammar.

Lolu tsawl sì txur / pxeutral a tsengit tok / 'akral luke rey.


Offline Blue Elf

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Re: Haiku
« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2011, 02:02:47 am »
Before subjecting the haiku thread to my attempt at poetry, I thought I'd post it here for proofreading and critique. I'm sure I forgot at least one important rule of Na'vi grammar.

Lolu tsawl sì txur / pxeutral a tsengit tok / 'akral luke rey.

good attempt, welcome in hayku thread! (I hope you'll come there early)
some corrections:
Lolu tsawl sì txur / pxeutral a tsengit tok / 'akra a ke rey.
In the third line, rey is verb, but you need a noun tìrey (if you want to say "soil without a life"). but it is longer than we need, so I rephrased it as "soil which don't live". So agentive suffix on 'akra is not needed.
Also in second line fìtsengit would be better, but it is one syllable longer than needed.
But still good job, try another :)
« Last Edit: November 25, 2011, 01:17:39 pm by Blue Elf »
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Offline Kamean

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Re: Haiku
« Reply #2 on: November 25, 2011, 09:37:25 am »
Ma Yawne Zize’ite, zola'eiu nìprrte' mì lehaiku kìng. :)
Tse'a ngal ke'ut a krr fra'uti kame.


Offline Tanri

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Re: Haiku
« Reply #3 on: November 25, 2011, 10:56:16 am »
Aylì’u ngeyä leiu lor, ma Yawne Zize’ite, seysonìltsan :)

Very nice hayku, really. Welcome in "wars of syllables" ;D
Tìvawmìri txopu rä’ä si. Nrr!

Offline Yawne Zize’ite

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Re: Haiku
« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2011, 01:50:28 pm »
(I asked this on the ayhayku thread as well.)

Why doesn't tok take the agentive here?

Offline Blue Elf

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Re: Haiku
« Reply #5 on: November 25, 2011, 02:14:45 pm »
Ok, I'll try to respond here as it is better place:
I removed agentive because of misunderstanding (my transalation was:
The three trees which occupy a place were big and strong. Soil which don't live...)

Based on your intended meaning:
"Where three trees were tall and strong lies soil which doesn't live" I'd write (now I'm not trying to create haiku)

Lu 'akra akerusey tsengur a tsawla pxeutralìl atxur tolok
or
Pxeutralìl a lu tsawl sì txur tolok tsengit a lu tsaru 'akra a ke rey
or
'akral a ke rey tok tsengit a lolu tsaru pxeutral a lu tsawl sì txur (this version is not too good, I'm afraid)
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Offline Yawne Zize’ite

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Re: Haiku
« Reply #6 on: November 25, 2011, 03:11:16 pm »
I'm not sure I understand your sentences either. :-[

"Lu 'akra akerusey tsengur a tsawla pxeutralìl atxur tolok" - "Where three tall, strong trees were has lifeless soil"?

Pxeutralìl a lu tsawl sì txur tolok tsengit a lu tsaru 'akra a ke rey - "There were three trees, tall and strong, where it has soil that does not live"?

However, I haven't helped the problem one little bit by going back and forth on what structure I'm using, and pairing up the wrong structure with the Naʼvi sentence. The structure I used was meant to be "There is lifeless soil where three trees were tall and strong" - something like "三本の木が高くて強かったところには植物の無い土が在る" (no attempt at haiku). What I typed instead is more like "高くて強い木が三本在ったのは植物の無い土だ".

Offline Carborundum

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Re: Haiku
« Reply #7 on: November 25, 2011, 04:05:00 pm »
Lolu tsawl sì txur / pxeutral a tsengit tok / 'akral luke rey.
This is perfectly fine as it is. Non-adjacent subordination is OK in poetry.

Edit: actually, on closer inspection, there are a bunch of problems with it, all of which have been pointed out already. But the a can be pretty much wherever it wants to be.
« Last Edit: November 25, 2011, 04:17:28 pm by Carborundum »
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Offline Blue Elf

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Re: Haiku
« Reply #8 on: November 25, 2011, 04:07:22 pm »
Quote
Lu 'akra akerusey tsengur a tsawla pxeutralìl atxur tolok
Place, which occupied three big and strong trees, has dead soil
Quote
Pxeutralìl a lu tsawl sì txur tolok tsengit a lu tsaru 'akra a ke rey
Three trees, which are big and strong, occupy place which has soil which doesn't live
Quote
'akral a ke rey tok tsengit a lolu tsaru pxeutral a lu tsawl sì txur
Soil, which doesn't live, occupies place which had three big and strong trees.

All translations are very literal. When translating, you often need to rephrase sentence, and some freedom is needed :)

@Carborundum:
Quote
Lolu tsawl sì txur / pxeutral a tsengit tok / 'akral luke rey.
How can you use adposition with verb ???
« Last Edit: November 25, 2011, 04:10:36 pm by Blue Elf »
Oe lu skxawng skxakep. Slä oe nerume mi.
"Oe tasyätxaw ulte koren za'u oehu" (Limonádový Joe)


Offline Carborundum

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Re: Haiku
« Reply #9 on: November 25, 2011, 04:18:35 pm »
@Carborundum:
Quote
Lolu tsawl sì txur / pxeutral a tsengit tok / 'akral luke rey.
How can you use adposition with verb ???
Yeah, I was a bit hasty there. My primary point was that the a can remain where it is without causing problems.
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Offline Tanri

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Re: Haiku
« Reply #10 on: November 25, 2011, 04:24:42 pm »
"There is lifeless soil where three trees were tall and strong"
So how to say this particular meaning in a non-poetic, fully grammatical way?

My attempt: Lolu tsawl sì txur a pxeutralìl tolok tsengit a terok ’akral akerusey.

Lots of "a" here and "tok" used twice, but this is IMO a best way to say that. Actually there are three interconnected clauses in this sentence: "trees were tall and strong", "trees were at a place", and "dead soil is at a place".
So I put the main clause "three trees were at a place" in a center and attached two subordinate clauses from both sides.
Tìvawmìri txopu rä’ä si. Nrr!

 

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