Haiku

[Yawne Zize’ite]

Before subjecting the haiku thread to my attempt at poetry, I thought I'd post it here for proofreading and critique. I'm sure I forgot at least one important rule of Na'vi grammar.

Lolu tsawl sì txur / pxeutral a tsengit tok / 'akral luke rey.

Spoiler

Severe storms went through my town a few months ago and took down hundreds of trees, likely over a thousand. The splinters were cut down months ago, leaving circles of mulch and dirt where trees used to stand.

[Blue Elf]

Before subjecting the haiku thread to my attempt at poetry, I thought I'd post it here for proofreading and critique. I'm sure I forgot at least one important rule of Na'vi grammar.

Lolu tsawl sì txur / pxeutral a tsengit tok / 'akral luke rey.

Spoiler

Severe storms went through my town a few months ago and took down hundreds of trees, likely over a thousand. The splinters were cut down months ago, leaving circles of mulch and dirt where trees used to stand.

good attempt, welcome in hayku thread! (I hope you'll come there early)
some corrections:
Lolu tsawl sì txur / pxeutral a tsengit tok / 'akra a ke rey.
In the third line, rey is verb, but you need a noun tìrey (if you want to say "soil without a life"). but it is longer than we need, so I rephrased it as "soil which don't live". So agentive suffix on 'akra is not needed.
Also in second line fìtsengit would be better, but it is one syllable longer than needed.
But still good job, try another

[Kamean]

Ma Yawne Zize'ite, zola'eiu nìprrte' mì lehaiku kìng.

[Tanri]

Aylì'u ngeyä leiu lor, ma Yawne Zize'ite, seysonìltsan

Very nice hayku, really. Welcome in "wars of syllables"

[Yawne Zize’ite]

(I asked this on the ayhayku thread as well.)

Why doesn't tok take the agentive here?

[Blue Elf]

Ok, I'll try to respond here as it is better place:
I removed agentive because of misunderstanding (my transalation was:
The three trees which occupy a place were big and strong. Soil which don't live...)

Based on your intended meaning:
"Where three trees were tall and strong lies soil which doesn't live" I'd write (now I'm not trying to create haiku)

Lu 'akra akerusey tsengur a tsawla pxeutralìl atxur tolok
or
Pxeutralìl a lu tsawl sì txur tolok tsengit a lu tsaru 'akra a ke rey
or
'akral a ke rey tok tsengit a lolu tsaru pxeutral a lu tsawl sì txur (this version is not too good, I'm afraid)

[Yawne Zize’ite]

I'm not sure I understand your sentences either.

"Lu 'akra akerusey tsengur a tsawla pxeutralìl atxur tolok" - "Where three tall, strong trees were has lifeless soil"?

Pxeutralìl a lu tsawl sì txur tolok tsengit a lu tsaru 'akra a ke rey - "There were three trees, tall and strong, where it has soil that does not live"?

However, I haven't helped the problem one little bit by going back and forth on what structure I'm using, and pairing up the wrong structure with the Naʼvi sentence. The structure I used was meant to be "There is lifeless soil where three trees were tall and strong" - something like "三本の木が高くて強かったところには植物の無い土が在る" (no attempt at haiku). What I typed instead is more like "高くて強い木が三本在ったのは植物の無い土だ".

[Carborundum]

Lolu tsawl sì txur / pxeutral a tsengit tok / 'akral luke rey.

This is perfectly fine as it is. Non-adjacent subordination is OK in poetry.

Edit: actually, on closer inspection, there are a bunch of problems with it, all of which have been pointed out already. But the a can be pretty much wherever it wants to be.

[Blue Elf]

Lu 'akra akerusey tsengur a tsawla pxeutralìl atxur tolok

Place, which occupied three big and strong trees, has dead soil

Pxeutralìl a lu tsawl sì txur tolok tsengit a lu tsaru 'akra a ke rey

Three trees, which are big and strong, occupy place which has soil which doesn't live

'akral a ke rey tok tsengit a lolu tsaru pxeutral a lu tsawl sì txur

Soil, which doesn't live, occupies place which had three big and strong trees.

All translations are very literal. When translating, you often need to rephrase sentence, and some freedom is needed

@Carborundum:

Lolu tsawl sì txur / pxeutral a tsengit tok / 'akral luke rey.

How can you use adposition with verb

[Carborundum]

@Carborundum:

Lolu tsawl sì txur / pxeutral a tsengit tok / 'akral luke rey.

How can you use adposition with verb

Yeah, I was a bit hasty there. My primary point was that the a can remain where it is without causing problems.

[Tanri]

"There is lifeless soil where three trees were tall and strong"
So how to say this particular meaning in a non-poetic, fully grammatical way?

My attempt: Lolu tsawl sì txur a pxeutralìl tolok tsengit a terok 'akral akerusey.

Lots of "a" here and "tok" used twice, but this is IMO a best way to say that. Actually there are three interconnected clauses in this sentence: "trees were tall and strong", "trees were at a place", and "dead soil is at a place".
So I put the main clause "three trees were at a place" in a center and attached two subordinate clauses from both sides.